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Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: I feel so sad. 1st court date today.
Jayne Doe
♀ 32664
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went in there wearing my bitch boots.
I looked good, for me I was ready to stand up for myself.

But seeing him made me so sad. He's being pretty agreeable, I'm shocked, but I think I need to thank his attorney for that? He is really having to give up alot more than me.

We had a minute to talk before the lawyers followed us in. He had a hair sticking up & I immediately reached out to fix it, without even thinking about it. When the judge was talking, I felt like crying.

I'm fine, I've moved on with my life. But seeing him made me wish things were different.
I know he's different now, so am I. Just wishing things were different. Just wishing he would have fought harder to save our marriage. I guess there will always be a hole in my heart that belongs to him.

It's what he didn't do that hurts more than what he did.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((jayne doe)))))


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Oct 2012
kernel
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's what he didn't do that hurts more than what he did.

Jayne - that is so very insightful and a perfect summation of how I feel about this shit.

((Jayne)) Do something nice for yourself.

[This message edited by kernel at 7:16 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Jayne Doe
♀ 32664
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dmari - I don't think they are going to make me go thru that vocational eval :)

Seems like his attorney is trying to get him to get things moving along to save money.

I asked my L about it, and he said that it's off the table right now.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Jayne Doe
♀ 32664
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@kernel - it is, isn't it.

I could have forgiven him for cheating if any he gave me a reason to. He never really tried. And that's what hurts most.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs

(((Jayne)))

You'll survive. It's a process. One thing at a time...


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jayne)))

I only had to go to court on the day the divorce was finalized, but it was so much tougher than anticipated. He just sat, there, cold, as if he didn't even care. He didn't care, as he's a sociopath. As much as I promised myself that I would be strong, I was weeping the entire time. It's tough when you have a soul and morals.

You will get through this, though, and in several years, or even less, you'll find out how much happier you are without this level of dysfunction in your life.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3488 | Registered: Dec 2011
Jayne Doe
♀ 32664
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I promised myself that I would be strong, I was weeping the entire time. It's tough when you have a soul and morals.

It really took me by surprise.
I walked in a strong and steady as a rock. I walked out with a heavy heart.

Thanks for sharing and letting me know that I am not alone.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand; he didn't fight for you, for the two of you. That hurts. But that's what I meant by letting go of outcomes. You can't change him; you can't change what's happened.

You will get there. I didn't think I would, but it happens.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20457 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Jayne. Your post really resonated with me tonight. You really have summed it up in words so perfectly.

sigh... sorry for your tough day.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
allatsea
♂ 38923
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread resonates with me too.
The fact she's never even tried to make it work. Dropped like a stone. 19 years up in smoke.

It's what she didn't do that hurts more. So true


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely true for me too. I could have eventually forgiven WH for the A. It is what he didn't do. I hadn't thought of it like that before, but it really resonates. He didn't fight. He mostly tried to cake eat and now wishes to ride off into the sunset with MOW.

Our marriage, our family were not worth fighting for.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 9:24 AM, May 17th (Friday)]


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
scotslass
♀ 39204
Member # 39204
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how you fee. You put it so eloquently.

Just wanted to send you hugs.


3 wonderful children (sometimes!!)
18 ds
16 dd
14 ds
Me. - moving on and upward !!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely was the things that he didn't do that hurts so much. Never looked back, ever gave me or the marriage a second thought let alone second chance.

The attorney's are trying to set up a date for a voluntary settlement conference. Not voluntary for me as I have to go....I am dreading it. The thought of hashing out some sort of financial settlement is so offensive to me. The thought of him sitting in the next room sickens me. I told my attorney I do not want to see him at all that day. I know I need to do this, I need to make sure I have money to get me through this time, finish school and find a job. But damn it, this was not the way it was suppose to be. The vows I took with him meant something to me. I was committed to this marriage, damn it. He was more than happy to just throw all that out the window when his shiny, new toy whispered in his ear........


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is what he didn't do. Indeed.

(((Hugs)))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1237 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Jayne Doe!!!! So sorry you are going through this.....be extra good to yourself!! You had a really rough day.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Jayne Doe
♀ 32664
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny - or not - it affected him the same way.

He text me last nite saying that he didn't realize how much he missed me, and that I looked great That made me happy!

We texted back and forth just a little. I think both of us knows that what hurt was the reality of it all. It's one thing to talk about getting a D but it's another to actually be sitting in the courtroom with your attorneys by your side. Been together 32 years.
How can that not hurt?

Don't get me wrong... nothing changed. It was just a moment. A sad moment. And a little satisfaction knowing that he felt it too.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Elaine2012
♀ 36099
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jayne Doe))) I was reading your comment to me last week and saw you had a court date yesterday. I looked to see if you posted about how it went. I'm sorry it was hard for you. None of this is easy.


I have a court date next Friday and I'm dreading it. I don't want to see him.at.all. After 34 years of marriage this is what has become of us!


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: I'm surrounded by majestic mountain ranges
Elaine2012
♀ 36099
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post.

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 3:44 PM, May 17th (Friday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: I'm surrounded by majestic mountain ranges
Topic Posts: 19

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