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What are the tough questions to ask?

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Mack25 posted 5/16/2013 23:30 PM

I know the question of why never gets answered but I'm curious what other good, tough questions BS have asked their BS to get some answers or help with closure.

As background, my WS got really drunk 2 mo ago and made out with a random guy. We are doing better but I still get the bad thoughts. Also continued question of 'why' keeps coming up. She has answered every question of mine truthfully and fully. She feels very guilty and remorseful.. I'm just wondering any advice about some good, tough questions I should be asking to help us move forward in a positive way. I'm sure some here would have good advice. Guess I want to R, and no I'm not worried about past hook ups by her.

tfkeel posted 5/17/2013 06:58 AM

The answer to "why" may not ever satisfy you. Indeed, there aren't any good reasons to commit adultery.

I think my advice is this. Figure out what is the minimum-acceptable set of questions which absolutely must be answered.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about what someone needs to know in order to "move on". This is more of a personal choice.

I think questions about the details of the affair only serve to hurt. Especially if you find out she did things with the OM that she refuses to do with you. These details become fodder for your imagination.

Angelback posted 5/17/2013 07:06 AM

I really didnt need the details, but in my state if a man proves adultery he pays no alimony in case of divorce. If you are going that route, you might tell her you need the details "to heal" and get a small voice recorder to get enough evidence to prove your case.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/17/2013 07:14 AM

I think the tough question in your case would be did she "only" make out with him? Why would an adult make out with some guy and not do more?

Don't mean to add any worry to your mind here, but I would be doing all I could to make sure that is all she did with him and if this has happened before.

You give very few details so it's hard to say what you should ask.

ReunitePangea posted 5/17/2013 07:21 AM

Mack - sorry you are here and dealing with your WS.

Honestly, the tough questions are not the questions that you are going to ask you WS but ultimately questions that you will need to ask yourself. This is a long journey - you don't have to answer those tough questions you need to ask yourself right away, take your time.

As for tough questions for your WS - yes getting to why is important but as tfkeel said sometimes the why may not satisy you. As a BS it is difficult to understand why our WS made the decisions they decided to make.

OneFootForward posted 5/17/2013 08:22 AM

I have to agree with the others on this one, there are no "right" questions. No more than there is a defined path. We each have to chart our on general path on this one.

My MC said, "There are the questions you have to know the answer and the questions you want to know the answer to. You have to decided between the two." It is my 1 month anniversary from D-Day today, I still have some questions... but I honestly don't think they need asking.

I do think there are some basic questions that must be asked. The who, what, when, where, why, etc are the basics. Just because you ask them, does not mean you are going to get an answer or a truthful answer. The real problem I have with this is someone gets drunk and just "makes out with a stranger." This is what someone does when they are not in a relationship. This really points to your spouses state of mind. It just happened would not do it for me because it points to something I would fear... could it "just happen" again? Has it "just happened" in the past?

tushnurse posted 5/17/2013 08:37 AM

The tough questions are the ones that make you uncomfortable when you wonder about the situation.

The WHY - I feel it is essential for the WS to have a clear understanding of the WHY, otherwise they can't fix it, and the likelyhood of a repeat offense is pretty high.
She may not be able to answer the question today or tomorrow, but she really needs to be able to at some point. Many WS (that dont' successfully R) don't find that answer. Many WS go to therapy, and figure out what is broken within themselves that allows them to justify, and act in such a way.

As far as the minute details of what they did how they did it - I would like to caution once you know something, you cannot unknow it.

((((and strength)))

Mack25 posted 5/17/2013 17:54 PM

I think the tough question in your case would be did she "only" make out with him? Why would an adult make out with some guy and not do more?

I know it was only kissing because I found them fully clothed standing in back room. Only gone for 5 minutes so not enough time for other things to have happened.

Ashland13 posted 5/17/2013 18:56 PM

I might like to know what could be done to secure it never being repeated.

What is the root of the problem and how to rip it out and fix what caused it?

I suppose it's along the lines of "why", with some flavoring.

I hope things will work out the way you want them too, Mack. Good luck.

traditoperanni posted 5/17/2013 19:13 PM

The why, where, when questions are obvious and need to be asked.
But, I think an important one to be asked is if your WW is remorseful and wants to R how is she going to cope with the situation IF this temptation were to happen again?
What will be her coping skills?
If that means no going out and getting so drunk you are "making out" with random strangers, then so be it.
I don't know your whole story but if alcohol is a constant theme then maybe that should be addressed.
Not everyone who gets drunk makes out with strangers.
Maybe some boundaries need to be made.

Heal&Deal posted 5/17/2013 22:41 PM

Questions that might be helpful in seeing where your WW's head is:

1) Do you plan to continue using alcohol to the point of intoxication?

2) Have you cheated before?

3) Would you be willing to take a lie detector test?

4) Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling?

5) Have you had any continued contact with AP?

6) Does AP have your contact details?

The answers to these types of questions can be tough to hear. Do you have an IC lined up?

[This message edited by Heal&Deal at 11:01 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 5/18/2013 01:08 AM

Here is a link to a good article by Shirley Glass titled, 10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse:

If you're still searching for the "whys" and want to know more about the psychology of affairs, I recommend the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This book is also helpful for your own personal healing as well as laying down some guidelines for reconciliation.

Mack25 posted 5/18/2013 12:33 PM

I just got that book and will read. What is IC?

catlover50 posted 5/18/2013 14:24 PM

Individual counseling.

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