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Awake2012 posted 5/16/2013 23:49 PM

Its 10 months out for me and I thought I was getting better, stronger, thought I found my way to cope. Sadly, when your world is turned upside down and you talk to no one, you analyze everything.

I no longer have nightmares. I no longer think about them together.

What I do think about is why I didnt see it, and if I had could I have changed it.

Looking back he drastically changed in the summer of 2011. I thought he was just being a jerk. I cried here and there when my feeling got hurt but I didnt think much of it. But by December I remember having a complete melt down crying to him that he doesnt love me anymore. That he is nothing but mean and we use to be best friends.

He straightened up for two weeks, made me blissfully happy (my best memorie of us), then just pulled away again and was just angry and intolerant anytime he interacted with me. I realize now I should have addressed that. But I didnt. He started being nice and I was happy for that.

When he pulled away, I had that attitude, Im here and available, if he wants to spend time with me he will and if he doesnt Im not going to force him by making a big deal of it.

I got lonelier and unhappier as he never seemed to want to be near me ever.

Looking back on that makes me so sad because I realize I have been neglected for a very long time. None of my needs were met, which were pretty simple. I just wanted some time with my best friend, him.

In June he pulled away even more, and was even meaner.

It was so gradual I never saw it coming. I had wierd thoughts like he is acting like he is cheating. Then I would dismiss it. I trusted him too much to even really consider it.

Then September hit. He was so emotionally unavailable I felt like he died, and it hit me hard. It hurt like fucking hell.

Then in October, his actions screamed cheating and I went into what I believe is emotional shock. I thought if I could prove to him that I know and still love him, then everything would be okay. I think I went insane. Turned into a detective and dug for proof.

Found it in December.

He knew I knew, but was still emotionally unavailable. The blame game started. The lies continued. And I went into a serious depression.

In March I learned it was physical, that he was never honest, so much for that transparency. In addition, the night he told me he would end it, it took him two days to do it, and the very same day, he changed his password on an email account and added a feature that it could not be accessed without the app on his phone. I had asked to listen to the conversation or see the texts. He said I could, but then snuck away, ended it in private, and had a 40 minute conversation with her.

He calls this all transparency. Since then, I can see his phone, but I have to ask. And strangely he is always checking out mine.

He has never openly spoken of the A, which was more emotional than physical. He called her his new cool friend. Talk about a stab. I use to be his friend, but that somehow dissappeared, and she was my replacement.

Looking at it all, he takes little responsibility, says he wasnt himself, that he was on something that changed him. But that he stopped and everything is clear to him now.

But here I am, its May 2013 and still he offers nothing. No open heart felt conversations, the things that help people connect. He is sick of it and says I need to foregive him and stand by him. But, I still dont have the friend I had. The one that openly shared what was going on in his life.

I think its done. I can foregive the A. But I cant stand being on the outside because there is a part of him he doesnt want to share with me. Oh, but there are other people that he does talk to about it. Its hurtful. He says we are going to be stronger. How is that when he hasnt shared anything about himself since the summer of 2011. Thats almost 2 years!

I think in the beginning it was just shock, but now looking at the whole picture, and knowing he has no desire to connect with me whats so ever, I think its pointless.

I wonder is it possible, that he saw a lawyer and was told what he could lose? And he keeps me around for that, to avoid a divorce?

Surely if you really want things to work you would be willing to try to establish a new and better connection and would stop with the lies and secrets?

No one should be this unhappy for so long, it just seems wrong.

tfkeel posted 5/17/2013 07:10 AM

I wonder is it possible, that he saw a lawyer and was told what he could lose? And he keeps me around for that, to avoid a divorce?

It sure wouldn't be the first time someone stayed in a marriage because it was less painful than getting out of it.

Surely if you really want things to work you would be willing to try to establish a new and better connection and would stop with the lies and secrets?

Yes. Absolutely true. The lies and secrets continuing is a very good indicator that he's "cake eating". He's made a "deal" with the devil.

A lot of men fall into a "trap" in which they try to continue life in some compromise position, having both wife and OW.

jjct posted 5/17/2013 07:27 AM

Dear Awake,
You are being abused. Period.
I wish you the best.
Please focus on you. Not him.

No one should be this unhappy for so long, it just seems wrong.

Meaning you.
Focus on you.

Skan posted 5/17/2013 11:18 AM

(((hugs))) Unfortunately, your WH has no reason to change. He has you, his BW at home, waiting for him, taking care of the house, the laundry, doing all of those chores and duties that wives do, keeping his life running along, and when he's in the mood, he probably is able to get to have sex with you. And he has his new and exciting life, with his OW, singular or mulitple, who ask nothing of him but his presence, who tell him how much of a man he is, who spread their legs for him whenever he wants, and who make sure that it's all about him. He's got the best of all worlds, frankly. He can go out and chase honeys, and use you as plan b. The backup. You think that it's done, but even if he doesn't currently have someone, it's only a matter of time until he does this again, if he refuses to find out WHY he was so broken that he had to go find an OW.

Don't be anyone's plan b. Especially your spouses plan b. That's not a marriage and it's not a life. You sound like an absolutely loving woman. Now, however, it's time to get angry, detatch, and see a lawyer to find out exactly what your rights are. His A is not your fault he chose to have it. You didn't get to choose for him to go out and screw someone, and he doesn't get to choose how or when you "get over it." He stuck a knife in you and gutted you. He doesn't get to complain about the continued bleeding and stains on the carpet.

Please go see that lawyer and find out what you're entitled to. And start thinking about if you really want to continue to live this life that your WH is forcing on you. It's time to make it about YOU, not him. (((hugs)))

mj052 posted 5/17/2013 19:36 PM

It sounds like we're in the same predicament. It's been a year since d-day for me and I know that somehow/someway he's still in contact with her!!!

He says that he loves me and wants us but I have a suspicion that he might be looking for his next ap- because it's all about him and the attention he craves!! And I also think he wants to keep his family intact while he continues with the inappropriate behavior.

Just keeping my eyes wide open!!! What he has done to me- I would have never done to him!!! Some days I wonder what I ever did to deserve this!!! I thought that he loved and appreciated me!! The hardest thing to deal with- is that he thought his ow was the most wonderful person and not the lownlife homewrecker she most definately is!!!!

It just makes me want to