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regrets and Reconciliation

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hopefulmother posted 5/17/2013 00:15 AM

Can you regret getting M to the WS and still have hope of recovering the M? I love him. Not in-love. Am I wasting my time or is feeling like this normal? He is doing everything right. Is it that I am just guarding my heart? So confused?

cosmicjoke posted 5/17/2013 01:14 AM

HM- yes, absolutely.. I know exactly where you're coming from. A lot of us still love the person we're with, & are still giving it 100%.. but if we could do it all over again, knowing what we know now...?? hhmmm.....

So if he's doing everything right, that's half the battle.. the rest is- is he truly sincere and can he stay the course..? Time will tell if the changes are permanent. But yes, guard your heart always. I believe you can give it, but still guard it.

Lowlow posted 5/17/2013 03:21 AM

I'm definitely here with you both. If were not married, invested 18 years into this relationship, i'd be gone. Hell, he'd leave me!

What crazy thing holds us on to a person who clearly doesn't care about us... yet we still hold on.

Now do we do this?

DixieD posted 5/17/2013 09:25 AM

Can you regret getting M to the WS and still have hope of recovering the M?

I think so. I did and sometimes still do and our R is going well. I think it's part of the bargaining stage. If we'd never gotten married, this would never have happened. It's a form of trying to protect yourself and analyze what went wrong.

ETA about love as a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. They can change easily, especially after going through a trauma like infidelity. Disillusionment happens. IMO, the key is what you and your partner do about it, and how you communicate about it.

That's where the concept of Love is a Decision comes in. You make an active choice to love through loving actions vs relying on feelings. But there was a time I was too angry or depressed to even care about that. It's normal. That concept helped.

[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 10:00 AM, May 17th (Friday)]

forgivingnow posted 5/17/2013 11:50 AM

I agree with making an active choice to love thru loving actions. Love is a choice.
Hang in there. If there is love, if he is remorseful and you are both "all in" you will in time get to the point of acceptance and feel like you would marry him all over again. It truly can get better.

hopefulmother posted 5/17/2013 17:14 PM

forgivingnow, dixiedevestated: Thankyou both so much for the positive support. I am in it 100% and I know my husband is too. He has done everything to help. He has even tried to turn texting into a positive thing by texting me everyday something he loves about me. I just want to feel the same way about him like I did before this happened. Cosmicjoke and lowlow: thanks for sharing, it helps to have someone identify with. I hope the other two helped you two too.

Beautifulmom posted 5/17/2013 22:03 PM

Great question! I wonder if I had been more cautious if I would have picked him. But if the me now could go back 10 years ago, I never would have beleived he would cheat.
Its so weird. I met him one night and never looked back. It was almost like there was no question I should be with him.
now I try to say I love you but most of the time it doesn't feel real.
Very sweet of your husband to send those texts. My hubby says he cares but really I think putting in effort every day to make me feel good is beyond him. He does some things ( like presents every day for a week before mothers day....pretty sweet), but I think then he expects to slide for a little while. I think about this every second of every day, I don't think so!!!
Anyway, the answer is I don't know for me. I still vary from a "go be with her, get out" to a "I think I feel the old love returning" gamut. My hopes is that at a year I find myself falling back in love...most days. That is if he hasn't lost interest by then.

libertyrocks posted 5/18/2013 10:23 AM

Yes, yes, yes. I told H we shouldn't have gotten married. I love FWH, too. It's not the same. I, too, just feel like I'm waiting for him to eff up again so I can leave...I think it's normal to feel the love/hate cycle during R. At least for me...

Don't have any advice, but I can relate.

I think the most important thing is that like us, you two still love each other. Without that, people leave and love from a distance.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:24 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

undonelife posted 5/18/2013 10:58 AM

I'm there too! If I had it to do over I would have run!!! I'm at that stage Dixiedevastated mentioned to angry or depresses to even care. I dont give much of a sh** right now. libertyrocks, yes, I'm expecting him to eff up again about the time I decide I can stay in this marriage, and dammit I will walk. 28 years 2 kids & 13+ years of his debilitating illness in which I stood by him with this broken POS man who didn't care that he knew it would hurt me. Who actively
& purposely made the choice to pursue a slut instead of pursuing me when he 'felt' unhappy! Bull****! Never mind all the promises he made me while dating & thru our marriage. Some days I truly don't know why I didn't just let him have his dream life with the slut.

SadFlower posted 5/18/2013 12:17 PM

We're in R, and it's going pretty well, but like so many of you, I would never have married him if I'd known how deeply he would betray me. Not in a million, billion, zillion years.

Mom-of-4 posted 5/21/2013 21:16 PM

I'M 4 YEARS OUT FROM DDAY, MARRIED 14 YEARS, 5 KIDS. HIS AFFAIR BLINDSIDED ME AND CHANGED EVERYTHING I BELIEVED ABOUT HIM AND US. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME. I'M IN THE MARRIAGE BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. DO I REGRET MARRYING HIM? YES- EVERY DAY! I WOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED HIM, MOVED FOR HIM, GAVE UP MY CAREER FOR HIM, HAD KIDS WITH HIM- IF I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. I'M NOT A MEAN PERSON, IT'S SAD REALLY, BUT IT IS THE TRUTH.

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