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Yakamishi posted 5/17/2013 07:29 AM

Forgive the newbie questions, but this is completely new territory.

STBXW and I are trying to work out a schedule. Such as her taking the kids every other weekend, every other holiday etc. I met with her yesterday and she raised the concern that she is staying with her sister and that she does not have room to take them for "her weekend".

I can't imagine this is the first time this has come up with a separating couple. Any suggestions?

hurtbs posted 5/17/2013 07:40 AM

I haven't dealt with this, but I have seen it. Some couples do a rotating schedule with the children's home. I personally don't think that is a good idea.
Most juges will order that the non custodial spouse get adequate housing before they can tae their children. Why doesn't she have a place?

Yakamishi posted 5/17/2013 07:41 AM

She just left last week. Will be a long time before she has a place of her own. Her child support, car payment, and her addictions take up most of her earnings.

hurtbs posted 5/17/2013 07:46 AM

her addictions take up most of her earnings.

Do you really want her to have unsupervised time with the children? I she cannot prioritize it, I would be very concerned. Perhaps only supervised day visits and no over nights.

Dreamboat posted 5/17/2013 08:32 AM

She is effectively telling you that she does not want to take the kids for any length of time. Listen to her. The kids are not a priority to her and they will not be for a very long time, if ever.

This puts virtually the entire burden of parenting on you and that is exhausting. However it is also the best way to protect they kids.

Since she "can't" take the kids, give her every other Saturday or Sunday plus perhaps an evening one weekday a week. And then document this. Get a journal or calendar and mark every time she calls them, every time she takes visitation, and every time she does not take her scheduled visitation. This will be essential when you go to court because otherwise the court may award 50/50 visitation, or worse award custody to her and give you the "every other weekend Father Special".

7yrsflushed posted 5/17/2013 09:18 AM

^^^^What Dreamboat said!! Protect your children and document, document, document!

Nature_Girl posted 5/17/2013 10:01 AM

No overnights until she has a place of her own and the children have bedrooms of their own.

No overnights until she has kicked her addiction and it's documented via an addiction treatment center/specialist.

FORCE a parenting evaluation in this instance because she's an addict. Freak out screaming mad if you have to in order to get one done. Do not hand your children over to an addict who is acting out. The courts will look very harsh on YOU if something happens and you knowingly & willingly handed her the children. Make her earn the privilege of overnights.

In the meantime you should be willing & able to transport the kids wherever they can safely go with her for day visits.

dmari posted 5/17/2013 15:29 PM

If she doesn't have "room" for them then she isn't putting her children's needs before her own.

My stbx used the same excuse for never asking for custody. When I confronted him and asked "Don't you want to share custody of the kids?", his response was "Where am I going to put them?"

He had visitations. Tuesday and Thursdays from 5:00 - 6:30 (basically for dinner) and Sundays from 3:00 - 6:00 (basically to take them to a movie). This lasted only a month with DD17 and 4 months for DS14 ~ my kids don't want anything to do with him right now as it is obvious to them that he his putting his own needs above the children's. Same as your stbx.

Document yesterdays conversation. Just the fact and keep emotions out. Continue to document everything.

TXBW68 posted 5/17/2013 17:39 PM

I wrote our separation agreement myself. He was not allowed overnights until he had at least a 2 bedroom apt so the boys could have a room of their own. It took him almost 4 months to move out of his friends' house into that apartment.

In the meantime, his every other Sat/Sun visitation consisted of taking them for the day to the mall, museum, waterpark, etc or just hanging out at my/family house for a few hours with them. I would leave or stay in my room as much as possible.

Once he got that apartment, he never took them for the whole weekend anyway. I gave him standard Friday night to Sunday night. But he never took Fridays - ever. He didn't want to deal with taking DS10 to Friday night soccer practice or to Saturday morning baseball games. He would meet us at the game (even if it wasn't until 3:30pm instead of 10am) and take them afterwards. That way, I always had the responsibility of getting them dressed and there on-time.

They can come up with every excuse possible to get out of their responsibilities. Just try to do right by your kids as much as possible and limit contact with her.


Housefulloflove posted 5/17/2013 19:25 PM

I'm in a similar situation. My STBX is in a studio apartment. It doesn't really make much difference since he has no desire to have his kids over on a regular basis anyway. I can count on one hand (with fingers to spare) the amount of nights he has had his kids since he moved out almost 4 months ago.

He visits them 2-3 days a week on average. He will take them out for a meal or an outing for a couple of hours or hang around here for a few hours. Sadly enough, it's way more one-on-one time than he spent with them when he lived with them.

sparkysable posted 5/18/2013 06:45 AM

she does not have room to take them for "her weekend"

I want to be able to go our partying on the weekends and be free to do my own thing, and not be tied down with children.
depend on it.

When I caught WH cheating and threw him out, he went and lived with his parents for a few months before moving in with the OW. I offered for him to take our daughter, then a baby, for the weekend, he said he couldn't, because there was "no room". His parents house has 2 spare bedrooms, and she was only a baby who could sleep in a pack-and-play. So I had him followed that weekend. Anyone want to take a guess as to what "no room" actually translated to?

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