SOL welcome bro. Your story sounds a lot like mine in a many many respects. It gets better. I know it's hard to believe or even conceive right now, but it does. This site really is the best place you never want to be, but now that your here, make the most of it. Read everything you can in the healing library. If you are going to R then realize that it will be hard, and the roller coaster has just begun. You will have good days and bad days, even good hours and bad hours some fays. Over time the good will outnumber the bad.
A few things that have helped me so far.
1. Getting the complete truth. Only you know how much details you need, but you don't want to have new things discovered every few weeks. Having her write out a timeline with who, what, where that you can keep is a good start.
2. Realizing that the affair is not your fault. True, you may have contributed to the overall state of your marriage which helped make the A more easy to happen, BUT - she chose to break covenant with you and step outside the bounds of your relationship. That is NOT your fault. Period.
3. Her growth spiritually is great, but doesn't guarantee an affair can't or won't happen again. You guys need MC and IC to make sure that the issues that got you in this place are resolved.
4. Be brutally honest with her. Your feelings, thoughts, fears. Don't cover up just to keep from hurting her feelings. Let it out.
5. Sometimes asking the same question repeatedly is necessary for your own peace of mind. Do it. Don't apologize for it, even if it makes her uncomfortable. The faster you heal the faster your relationship can begin to heal. Right now you healing is top priority.
6. Print out the article posted in reconciliation forum title "this is so good..." Give it to your W to read.
7. Trust your gut. Always.
I hope some or any of this helps. The journey your on is one that I never thought I would be on either. It sucks. It's unfair. It's painful. But, it does get better. 9 months in, with a lot of prayer and forgiveness, as well as my wife doing everything in her power to help, our marriage really is better now than before. Different, missing something that will never be found again, but better. Prayers for you guys. Somedude.
[This message edited by somedude at 2:35 PM, May 17th (Friday)]