Keep concentrating on doing all the things that you need to do to take care of yourself right now. Eat when you can, drink fluids, sleep when you can, exercise, take walks as that will help with your stress. Lean on friends and family. Post here, read the articles in the healing library. For me, it's been really helpful to learn about narcissism, because that's what my cheating husband is......
In the beginning my husband sounded like he was on the fence - said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do....He did know, I looked at his actions, did not believe his words. My husband's actions were not the actions of a man who wanted to reconcile.
I think it's natural to be hopeful for R. I can't go into that forum and read about it because it is too painful for me. I love the man I thought I married, I miss the life that I thought I had. But, I also know the truth - my husband cheated on me, lied and deceived me and is a narcissist. Is that the man I want to be married to? He has shown zero remorse, has not told me he is sorry - just blamed me for the break up of the marriage, completely changed the history of the marriage and has painted me out to be some cold hearted bitch who only took advantage of him. He has forgotten who I am.... He treated with absolute cold contempt the last few weeks I lived in the house with him. No, don't deserve that in my life.
I am 5 1/2 months from Dday. There are days when the pain is so overwhelming, so devastating that all I can manage is to breath through it. There have been so many days when I thought I simply can't do this anymore. But somehow, there is an inner strength that sees me through each day. That, and the love I have for my son.
If your WH decides to file (or you may make that choice, which is what I did. The thought of being served divorce papers was far more upsetting to me than me taking the action. Did not want to get blindsided again!), you will get through it. Lean on your friends, post here and get the support that you need.
You did nothing to deserve this. Know that your WH is damaged goods. You are a woman of integrity, strength and love.
You really really really need to focus on yourself. Making you well and happy again. IF he decides he can get his head out of his rear, then you can possibly consider R.
I also feel that you need to be OK with being you, and being alone. If you look for someone to be your replacement partner while you are still dealing with this it is unfair to him, and will be built on shakey ground.
Instead of looking for another man, look to friends for support, join a support group, or go to church. Join an exercise class. Make new friends. Focus 100% on you. You will be amazed at how happy and fufilled you can be.
First off, cut yourself some slack - it hasn't been that long since your DDay.
Second, admit that it's ok to be frightened and angry and sad and hurt. These are normal - take comfort in the fact that you are normal.
Yesterday I heard a phrase "the difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is the person walking the path". You can turn this into a stepping stone. You can "find" yourself and learn to be happy without your WH.
I was in my 50's when my life was turned upside down, and I know it's not easy to start over, but it is possible.
Capture one minute at a time, just please try. If you feel yourself going into a funk, try really hard to re-direct and do or think something else. Force your mind to go down happy paths, not sad ones.
You can do this, but now you have to believe it.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
Horseback riding sounds like fun but be careful.
When I'm down I look for something cheap to buy (we're talking under $10). E-bay is great for that.
Try to have a good weekend.
I can say that I wish we all could get together, all of us on this site, so we could give each other a big old group hug and help each other through our darkest times.
Stay strong savvy.......we are all here for you!!!