I think the thing I am struggling with is this....on some level, I don't want the divorce. I still love the man I thought I married and am still struggling with reconciling that image to the man that he really is. That the man I thought I married is a heartless, narcissistic pig.
I am still feeling so devastated and hurt that he had the affair. I am so devastated that the marriage I thought I had is gone. The man I thought I married is not the man he is now.
I am still haunted by the memories of being so happy with him. That's the worse part for me. The memories of the dreams we had, the trust I had in him, his smile, his kindness, how it felt to be in his arms. If I was so unhappy in the marriage, it would be so much easier. Everyone was shocked when they found out about the affair because everyone thought we were so happy. That we had the fairy tale marriage. Dated in High School, were reunited 8 years ago....I was completely blindsided when I found out about the affair and have not been able to get my bearings.
I have no idea what my life is suppose to look like now....how can I make plans for a life I have no vision for. I feel so lost, that I don't belong anywhere. The marriage was my anchor.....I miss having someone to talk to. I miss calling him when I left school to tell him I was on my way home. I miss laughing with him, I miss taking vacations with him, I miss greeting him at the end of the day.
I forget how he was towards the end. I forget about his bad temper, how I could never question him. I forget walking on eggshells around him. I forget never feeling like I had time for myself. How drained I felt at the end of the day, trying to meet his every need. It was like living with a two year old. I forget that I had to ask him for money, that he kept all his money is a separate account and doled out a few hundred dollars at a time to the household account. I forget that he would come home from work, grab his computer, get in bed, and spend the rest of the night searching for cars, car parts and ignore me. I forget all the social engagements I had to attend with him to support him and his job. I forget the complaints he had about how much time I was spending on my homework when he spent 15 to 16 hours a day at his job. I forget how lonely I felt waiting for him to come home from work, especially after my son left the house to go to college.
I still feel that on some level, this is my fault. That if I had not gone back to school, I'd still be married to my soul mate. That if I had just given him a little bit more attention, been able to maintain that "high" that happens when you are first falling in love with someone, I'd still be by his side.
So angry that she highjacked my life.
Yesterday I had the thought that his narcissism was a pre-existing condition. That it has nothing to do with me. That an affair would have eventually happened because that is what he does. I am his third wife....he cheated on his second wife twice (found out about the second affair on dday when I called his parents to tell them I had just found the text messages the pig sent to his mistress).
How long will it take me to let go of the memories of the past, not blame myself for the marriage falling apart, get into the reality that I married a narcissist-so the marriage was doomed from the beginning and move on with my life??????