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Dawn58 posted 5/17/2013 10:45 AM

I think the thing I am struggling with is this....on some level, I don't want the divorce. I still love the man I thought I married and am still struggling with reconciling that image to the man that he really is. That the man I thought I married is a heartless, narcissistic pig.

I am still feeling so devastated and hurt that he had the affair. I am so devastated that the marriage I thought I had is gone. The man I thought I married is not the man he is now.

I am still haunted by the memories of being so happy with him. That's the worse part for me. The memories of the dreams we had, the trust I had in him, his smile, his kindness, how it felt to be in his arms. If I was so unhappy in the marriage, it would be so much easier. Everyone was shocked when they found out about the affair because everyone thought we were so happy. That we had the fairy tale marriage. Dated in High School, were reunited 8 years ago....I was completely blindsided when I found out about the affair and have not been able to get my bearings.

I have no idea what my life is suppose to look like now....how can I make plans for a life I have no vision for. I feel so lost, that I don't belong anywhere. The marriage was my anchor.....I miss having someone to talk to. I miss calling him when I left school to tell him I was on my way home. I miss laughing with him, I miss taking vacations with him, I miss greeting him at the end of the day.

I forget how he was towards the end. I forget about his bad temper, how I could never question him. I forget walking on eggshells around him. I forget never feeling like I had time for myself. How drained I felt at the end of the day, trying to meet his every need. It was like living with a two year old. I forget that I had to ask him for money, that he kept all his money is a separate account and doled out a few hundred dollars at a time to the household account. I forget that he would come home from work, grab his computer, get in bed, and spend the rest of the night searching for cars, car parts and ignore me. I forget all the social engagements I had to attend with him to support him and his job. I forget the complaints he had about how much time I was spending on my homework when he spent 15 to 16 hours a day at his job. I forget how lonely I felt waiting for him to come home from work, especially after my son left the house to go to college.

I still feel that on some level, this is my fault. That if I had not gone back to school, I'd still be married to my soul mate. That if I had just given him a little bit more attention, been able to maintain that "high" that happens when you are first falling in love with someone, I'd still be by his side.

So angry that she highjacked my life.

Yesterday I had the thought that his narcissism was a pre-existing condition. That it has nothing to do with me. That an affair would have eventually happened because that is what he does. I am his third wife....he cheated on his second wife twice (found out about the second affair on dday when I called his parents to tell them I had just found the text messages the pig sent to his mistress).

How long will it take me to let go of the memories of the past, not blame myself for the marriage falling apart, get into the reality that I married a narcissist-so the marriage was doomed from the beginning and move on with my life??????

Sue1964 posted 5/17/2013 11:30 AM

It is so hard to let go like u I remember the guy I married who I must admit was a great guy 360 degrees from what he is now.
He's the mirror image of ow as ive known that piece of work for 13 years. Uncaring mother only interested in herself n career and we watched her belittle her ex husband.

woodbb posted 5/17/2013 12:05 PM

Dawn, your words echo my feelings almost perfectly. We haven't started the D process yet, but it is coming.

The line that hit me the hardest is:

.how can I make plans for a life I have no vision for

*exactly how I feel*

Hang in there. A post that has given me a little bit of hope is here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=495586

Maybe you will take something from it as well.

You are in my thoughts :)

dmari posted 5/17/2013 15:19 PM

Hugs and hugs and hugs Dawn58! You are grieving. Grieving is a process. There is not set timetable. Are you in IC? Do you have IRL support? Do you journal?

I have no idea what my life is suppose to look like now....how can I make plans for a life I have no vision for. Something strange happened to me about 6 months after d'day. I had been doing well moving forward and healing and doing the work but for 2 weeks around the 6 month mark, I was feeling sad and I couldn't put my finger on it. Well it was I was finally accepting and mourning losing what I thought was my future.

Once I completely accepted that, I had to change my perspective and tell myself that this was my opportunity to outline my new future.

It will get better Dawn58. It hurts like hell trying to get there but it does get better. Once you start focusing more on you ~ healing you ~ rebuilding you, he starts to matter less.

Jayne Doe posted 5/17/2013 15:29 PM

You know what happened to me Dawn?
At the beginning of the end, I started thinking about all the happy memories, all the wonderful times we shared.

Then one day I started remembering. Remembering how he yelled at me because the gravy was too watery. Or how he'd get mad at me if I wanted a salad when we'd go out to eat. Or the one time he got so smashed out of his mind at a black-tie awards dinner when I was given an award. On and on.

There comes a moment when you stop romanticizing your relationship and see it for what it really was. And that makes it easier.

No one knows what the road has in store for us. No one does.
We thought we knew - right? Yeah, look at that road now.

Embrace the future. Remember the Dawn you used to be before him. Go find that girl. She's still there. And everything will fall into place.

(((Dawn)))

FaithFool posted 5/17/2013 15:41 PM

This ^^^^

You are still in shock/grief mode and will be for some time.

Don't try to tackle the future right now.

Just live in the moment. Yeah, it hurts right now, but it will lessen eventually.

The fog will clear and you'll start to see colours in the landscape again.

It took a couple of years for me, but the colours eventually came back and I could see the beauty in the world again.

Big hugs. It'll happen.

Elaine2012 posted 5/17/2013 15:53 PM

(((Dawn58))) it does get better. I had those very feelings after dday. The shock from the betrayal runs deep. I want to let you know that time really does make a difference. I'm still very uncertain about my future. I'm just not as scared and afraid of the unknown as I was in the beginning. Just take it a day at a time.

Housefulloflove posted 5/17/2013 17:32 PM

Oh man....I can relate to so much of what you wrote Dawn58. I swing back and forth from anger and depression to happiness and optimism because my life is no longer intertwined with a narcissist. Usually the pendulum is more towards anger/depression though, depending on how much nonsense STBX has come up with lately.

But like everyone else has said..eventually the emotions will fade and the cold, hard facts is what is left. And that fact is that our waywards were cowardly cheaters who would have made our lives a living hell because doing anything to others (including harming them) to get what they want is the closest thing to joy that their cold, black hearts will ever experience.