Forum Archives

Return to Forum List


You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

13thhawk posted 5/17/2013 12:59 PM

I've read a lot here in the last 24 hrs and first I'd like to say thanks for this awesome site! It really helped me understand everything I've been feeling and gave me so much to work with. My story, in short, is my H has been holding onto 2 EA. One ended in a huge row a few months ago but I didn't understand enough of what was happening to see it for what it was. The second he's still hanging onto. So I read and read and then we talked. I was careful to make sure I had the right attitude going in, following the advice from several of the articles in the Healing Library. At first he was okay with everything I had to say about wanting to fix things and then I came to the part where I said I needed him to let go of OW for us to continue, and things went down hill. Now he's angry with me and won't even admit it. So I'm going to take even more of the advice you've offered here and do the 180. I move on and just keep swimming. It hurts so much though! I am angry and tired. And I'm tired of being angry. So, I'm releasing the anger bit by bit and doing my best to find creative expression for the sadness.

PurpleBirch posted 5/17/2013 13:20 PM

It sucks doesn't it? So sorry you need to be here with us.

HurtsBad posted 5/17/2013 13:22 PM

Congratulations to you for handling yourself extremely well. You are doing the best for yourself in a distasteful situation.

To my mind, EAs are hard to grok for the WS. I can hear him saying, "We didn't do anything!". They don't realize that they are using emotional capital that should be reserved for your M.

If my wife asked me to stop communicating with a friend, I would respect her request, even if I didn't understand why. I pray that, after reflection, your H will do the same.

13thhawk posted 5/17/2013 14:49 PM

Thank you PurpleBirch and HurtsBad. Yes it does suck and thank you for the encouragement! My H is good at reflection but not so good at exposing himself emotionally. He might "get it" later but I might never know about it. Think I'll go scream into my pillow and then beat it up...

wanttogoforward posted 5/17/2013 15:30 PM

I wish I'd had some advice before i confronted... did so many things wrong!

You are doing so well.... the fact is you cannot move forward unless he is willing to give her up. For months after I recognized what I was seeing my H refused to give up his 'friend'... it did get worse as he got deeper into the 'friendship' and he was so stubborn about her he said he was moving out... if it weren't for our children (old enough- but HE still told them) he wouldn't have gone to MC at all... in MC he finally began to wake up and it took literally a year before he would even talk and recognize what he had been doing... he has trouble even today admitting it was an EA.

Please do the 180 for your own sanity... if he realizes you are moving on and taking care of yourself he might wake up.... either way keep moving forward with your life! A positive outlet will help

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 14:33 PM

Wanttogoforward, thank you. Your H sounds like a Taurus mine is. I am definitely doing the 180, but I need to ask: where is the actual article/book? I found an interpretation of it and I gleaned enough from that to "get it".
One source of continual comfort and growth for me are the writings of Rob Brezsney. Wouldn't be doing so well without him. I also began learning/practicing yoga at home.
Sometimes it seems like no big deal and other times it's just overwhelming. At the moment, my H and I are apart. He walked. Honestly, I think we were standing in each others way, without meaning to of course. There is a modicum of relief for both of us at the moment.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/18/2013 14:46 PM

I'm so sorry you have found yourself onto this site but let me tell you, there is some great advice here and great people who are supportive. My WH is/was having an EA which he wouldn't admit to either; they were "just friends". Sorry, but texting someone 75 times in 6 days is not "just friends". He was emotionally attached to her. I wish I would have found this site before confronting him also. My D-day was 6 months ago. He refused to give up his "friend" so just this week I moved out; I couldn't take it any more. I also contacted the OW and OW BF. You need to do whatever it is that will help you with the stress, sadness and anger. 180 is definitely a good way to get started! This is definitely one of the most painful things to go through so don't try to do it alone. Find your support group--friends, family, etc, and keep moving forward!

Big hugs to you! Wishing you the best of luck

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 15:02 PM

oh wow! I hope things go well for you. You didn't say if you were still hoping for R, but either way you sound strong. Good for you!
I remember the gut wrench when H got upset and explained why he couldn't end the "friendship" as if it was yesterday... oh wait... it was yesterday. (lol! sorry I just have to laugh sometimes, it helps relieve the tension in my gut.)
This is one of the best sites I've ever found for any kind of support or help of any kind. Thank you so much. Namaste.

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 15:15 PM

Oops.. Sorry if I used "R" wrong. Still getting used to the lingo.. I meant "reconciliation".

stilltrying2025 posted 5/18/2013 15:15 PM

I would still like to R but I don't know if it will happen anymore. He told me in a text message last night that I made things worse. Don't know how it can get much worse but oh well. I'm thinking he's going to back out of the agreements we had regarding child support and our finances. So, I'm calling human services on Monday to find out my options. Believe me, I am not strong. I'm crying all the time and I'm miserable!

And yes, you have to laugh or you'll go insane! I hope the very best for you 13thhawk; I really truly do!

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 15:25 PM

Crying is NOT an indication of lack of strength!!! It's a release. You need to cry so let it out. The fact that you're taking the steps you need to take are the indicators of your strength. Take heart in those.
You can always tell your H he made things worse by not letting the OW go...
Hang in there!

[This message edited by 13thhawk at 3:26 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

NoraLee posted 5/18/2013 15:29 PM

Welcome and I know your pain all to well. My H recognized it was an EA (he told her he was in love with her) but still hung on to the "we didn't do anything" to excuse and continue it. It wasn't until I asked for a divorce that he ended it. I'm sorry - but anyone willing to sacrifice their spouse for a friend is more connected to the friend than the marriage - and that's an affair. It would be different if you were a jealous wife and didn't want him to talk to ANY females. It's the one that he is investing all of his emotional energy into.

Sounds like you are on the right track and handling everything the best you can.

This is from the healing library re: the 180...

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

Keep posting, keep reading and know that you've found support through this nightmare!

NoraLee posted 5/18/2013 15:35 PM

Stilltrying! 13th is a wise newbie!!! You ARE strong - you are also in extreme pain because of your H's cruelty - when we hurt, we cry. It's part of experiencing pain and mourning.

Keep hanging in Still!

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 15:59 PM

Thank you! NoraLee on both counts. Pardon my ineptitude... but I still can't find the 180 anywhere in the library. What's it under?? (Doing a lot of blushing today. lol!) I only ask you what it's under because I hate to think it's right there and I can't see it... a quirk I guess.

LonelyHusband posted 5/18/2013 16:03 PM

try this

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 16:06 PM

OMG!!! LMAO! I just read your "bottom line". Came so close to doing that once.

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 16:15 PM

Thank you, I found it... finally. lol!

NoraLee posted 5/18/2013 16:18 PM

I'm pretty sure my quote is from that link - when you open up the healing library you see links to WS FAQ's and BS FAQ's etc. it's in the opening couple of lines before you read the SI FAQ's...

13thhawk posted 5/18/2013 16:23 PM

Yes it is... thanks. I somehow kept missing those links.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/18/2013 21:31 PM

My friend showed me tonight what he text her. He wanted her to come over and talk and she said she was going to bed. He said "I'll do you any time, with my tongue". Then he said the door is open Ugh....fuck him! I text him and said you don't think she would show me the messages? He said you know what I do all the time and don't lie. I said you go ahead and do her with your tongue; have fun. I cannot take this anymore. She told me that their talk prior to that was good; it was all about me and that we would get back together. Nope, not any more. I'm pissed.......

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.