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PurpleBirch posted 5/17/2013 13:16 PM

I know this has probably been spoken of a million times, but is porn normal? I ask because I don't watch it or look at pictures. The few (literally like 3) times I've ever encountered porn, I thought it was so unrealistic, so I don't really see the appeal. Anyway. Is porn ok? How much is too much? My WH and I are not sleeping together at present, so is expecting him to stay away from porn unrealistic? I want honest answers from all corners. TIA

Tiredofthepain posted 5/17/2013 13:24 PM

If you had asked me this question even a year ago I would have said, yes, porn is normal and most(all?) men watch it. But after finding out what a porn addiction my H had and it's what escalated his SA to cheat on me with prostitutes I HATE it now.

I think if a man or woman want to watch it occasionally, either alone or together, they neither have a sex addiction and they never use it in place of their spouse, there is nothing wrong with it, but those are a lot of things to consider and it is easy for some men to objectify the women in them and then they start to want all women to look like the fake, trashy bimbos in porn. I think they lose sight of what is real and what is not. Real women do not look or act like most of them. Just like prostitutes, they are paid to act like they enjoy it.

simplydevastated posted 5/17/2013 13:32 PM

I personally don't see the draw to it. I don't understand how watching people have sex is a turn on or seeing some woman or man naked and spread-eagle as appealing. That's just my opinion.

Part of my husband's infidelity was porn (actually, forget the "was" he still looks ) but the problem that I had was all his preachy talk about how gross it is and how he would never look at it etc...

I think the big difference is whether or not it's been discussed and if an agreement has been made between the couple as what is an acceptable amount of viewing is okay for their marriage/relationship.

If the couple agrees a few playboys/playgirls are year a fine, then that works for them that makes it okay.

If it's something that you are not comfortable with then it shouldn't be allowed at all. The same would go if your husband was uncomforable with it if you viewed porn.

Just my two cents.

TrustGone posted 5/17/2013 13:43 PM

It used to not bother me at all, but after a while it got to where WH#2 was putting on a porn flick every time we had sex. Then I found out about his LTA with an ex-GF. Now he knows I no longer want to watch it.

wanttogoforward posted 5/17/2013 16:07 PM

Unfortunately, I think that is another one of those personal preferences we all have....
I do not object to it- but then we have no history of addiction or excessive porn. I think some porn watching for men is normal UNLESS it becomes excessive or replaces the intimacy in our lives! If the porn replaces their spouses in any way then it becomes a problem.

I have girlfriends who object to any porn and get very upset if their H's look at any at all... I think it is unrealistic/ naive to think they never look at it if they are healthy males without side issues (like SA). If there are addiction issues then that is a different issue and it would need to be avoided.
For the average 'normal' guy I think they do look at it on occasion- I once asked my H how often and I was told a few times a year... I think most guys are a bit more often tho- and many hide it because it upsets their wives so much.
Even men know it is is unrealistic- my H has told me that! They know they are watching fantasies- and some really lame ones at that!

sparklingwater posted 5/17/2013 16:27 PM

Why is porn accepted as "normal" behavior?

Would looking in someone's bedroom window and watching them have sex be normal? Would it be normal to be watching someone masturbate? - and to be getting off watching these things? Just because you are watching on a computer screen, doesn't mean it is any less pervy.

There is also the content of the porn - very wide and varied. Old people, young people, pregnant women, group sex, bestiality ... sky is the limit. Are we really ok with this?

Society tells us porn is normal. I think this shows you what a sick society we live in.

idiot85 posted 5/17/2013 18:52 PM

No offence sparklingwater but with that perspective surely there should be no thrillers or horrors on TV either- I personally don't want to see someone mutiliated but- I enjoyed the Saw films... I don't want to poison my wife but, I watched Poirot.

If it's OK to watch murder, surely it's OK to watch sex?!

I watch a bit of porn- but my wife doesn't mind, if she did- I wouldn't. I'm not a SA, I've never cheated on anyone ever, I don't have any plans to look through someone's bedroom window. Watching it on a computer screen is a lot different just as watching a murder in a park is a bit different to watching CSI.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:54 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

cantaccept posted 5/17/2013 19:35 PM

my h always watched a lot of porn. It always made me feel uncomfortable, I wanted to be the one that he desired.

As time went on he would choose porn over me. It broke my heart.

Now after a, that is one of my conditions. I have been made to feel insecure enough. Either I am enough or I am gone.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/17/2013 21:20 PM

Porn is something that has always bothered me, but guys I dated always watched it, so I just dealt with it, if that makes sense.

This is the first relationship where I can confidently say no, I am not going to accept porn anymore. If I am not enough for my fiancé, or anyone else, they can go be with someone else.

It is offensive, disgusting, and degrading to women. And men.

Each couple needs to decide for yourself. But no, it is not something that should be chosen over your feelings. If it is not okay with you, he shouldn't watch it anymore. Period.

sparklingwater posted 5/17/2013 21:45 PM

No offense taken I85, and to each their own... but for me I will not ever be with someone again who is online addicted to sexual stuff.

I just want to challenge the notion that watching porn is "normal". To me it isn't. I respect your (and probably a vast percentage of the population's) decision to watch it but I still think it, like a lot of things in society today, are wrong, and we are desensitized to it.

cool2behonest posted 5/17/2013 22:36 PM

Well, they say "GUYS" ARE visual, but WTf?? really, what doeS that mean? We are all visual i terms of stimuli... If they get off more by watching strangers than us, we have to ask whether they have unealistic expectations, or whether they don't fin d us stimulating anymore.. could be our size or looks or their superficiality... or lacck of pizzaze! porn can be a real downsized for a couples sex life!

absolut posted 5/17/2013 22:49 PM

I just got the book Pornified off Amazon and I like it.

The vast majority of porn is so twisted and sick. Mixing violence and sex. It perverts the sex drive.

Personally the amount of porn I am ok with a man watching is zero. Like none. It's not something I would mince words on or compromise about either.

StillGoing posted 5/17/2013 22:51 PM

There's porn with normal people fucking normally, there's porn with Beautiful People fairy tale fucking, there's weird porn that makes you cock your head to the side and wonder "Who the fuck pulls out their junk and rubs one out to THIS shit???" and then there's porn so strange and disturbing that it makes me quietly turn off my monitor and go craft something from wood so I can hold it up and say "I have created something useful and good, and the world no longer appears so dark."

People have a long and sordid history when it comes to taking anything and making it run the gamut from mundane to stranger than fiction. Violence is the same way. You have the Disney Prince killing a dragon, to Borderlands 2 melting a roid raging Psycho Goliath with a gun that shoots rockets that explode into grenades that are made of acid and the sound that bagpipes make (I really found a gun that does that, they really did mean it when they said a billion guns squared) and then there are torture films like Hostel that I see trailers for and think "Who the fuck wants to WATCH that?"

So, the answer to everything is: Yes.

honesttoafault posted 5/17/2013 22:52 PM

I agree with the posters who say if someone is using porn instead of interacting with thier spouse, there is a problem.
I also feel, porn, like drinking alcohol should be done in moderation KWIM? People can get addicted to all kinds of things. There are plenty of people who watch porn on occasion and are not SA.

For me, it didn't really bother me if WH wanted to watch porn on occasion, but it did bother me when he claimed there was something wrong with me if I didn't enjoy watching it. That's MY preference, so don't put me down or force the issue.

Dark Inertia posted 5/17/2013 22:56 PM

I think porn is normal in the sense that most men and women may indulge in it here and there. I think viewing it on a regular basis is not as common and letting it interfere with your life and relationship with your spouse is unacceptable. But, bear in mind I have not had pornography touch my life the way some people on these forums have.

Would looking in someone's bedroom window and watching them have sex be normal? Would it be normal to be watching someone masturbate? - and to be getting off watching these things? Just because you are watching on a computer screen, doesn't mean it is any less pervy.

I apologize, but what you are saying does not make sense. I don't understand the correlation between your examples and porn. There is a HUGE difference between porn and what you are talking about. Namely consent. Your comparison to me is like saying have sex with someone is the same as raping someone.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:02 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

sparklingwater posted 5/17/2013 23:57 PM

DI, the differences are not that marked. One of the sites (and there are many out there) that Wbf frequented, was called Chatterbate, where you freely can watch real life people, often in their own bedrooms, masturbating, having sex and doing all sorts of things on their webcams.

I understand what you mean - that these people are consenting to allowing you to watch their sexual antics, but IMO it is all pervy smut and voyeuristic.

I am no way trying to correlate it with rape (as you said).

Dark Inertia posted 5/18/2013 00:41 AM

I am no way trying to correlate it with rape (as you said).

I DID NOT at ALL say you were correlating it with rape. I emphasized that with the disclaimer "your comparison to me"... What I meant is that your comparison makes as much sense as if someone was saying having sex is the same as raping someone. The reason I said that is because you are comparing a non consenting act with a consenting act and looping them all under the same umbrella.

So there are websites where people allow others to watch them have sex... sounds like your typical live cam pornography. But I would not put those in the same league as some pervert who hides a camera in a ladies restroom. JMO.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 12:46 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

sparklingwater posted 5/18/2013 01:05 AM

Ok, and I said nothing about cameras in restrooms!

What I did say, was that I understood your point about there being a difference between watching a sexual act with and without permission, but regardless of that, in both circumstances you are watching random people have sex, and that, to ME, is smutty and voyeuristic.

sparklingwater posted 5/18/2013 01:10 AM

We can agree to disagree
If there's anything we have learnt by our experiences with infidelity, it's compromise.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/18/2013 10:12 AM

One of my biggest irritations with porn is that when my fiancé did what he did, he turned sex into some dirty thing.

When I was seven, I was raped. I spent a great majority of my teen years having a lot of random hookups that were completely meaningless. I did that to fit in with the cool kids, I did that because I thought it was what I had to do to make boys like me, and I did that in a way, to prove to myself that sex was completely meaningless. Two random people who didn't care about each other can do it, and wake up the next morning and be fine. That made me feel better about getting raped.
Even when I was in relationships (be it, high school relationships that weren't necessarily long term), I was able to seperate the act of having sex from the emotional part of the relationship.

The first time I made love to someone was when I was engaged the first time. I call it that, because I was able to connect with him on a physical and emotinal level, and it made the sex meaningful. Emotional. Loving. Not simply about getting myself off. When he cheated on me, I again, distanced myself from the whole thing and separated sex from the rest of a relationship. I even did that with my daughter's dad. He and I were in a relationship for a few months when I got pregnant, and from then on, we tried to make it work. But we never ever did what I consider truly making love in bed.

My current fiancé is the first person I have been able to open myself up to like that since I was 19 years old.
When he did what he did, it completely cheapened what we have in bed. I feel like sex is this cheap, dirty thing that is purely physical. And I am to the point that I am no longer interested in it all.

I want to make love to him again at some point, but I am not sure how to get that back.

What I do know, is that when he watches porn, it proves to me that sex is something not meaningful to him. He doesn't even need me to satisfy him, he can look at any random chick. It makes me feel disposable and unimportant ("it's fine if you're not in the mood, I will just watch porn."). What's more, when I asked him to stop watching it and explained how it makes me feel and why it iso offensive and upsetting to me- and the he continued to watch it anyway- it became something that he completely and utterly disrespected me about and chose over me. NOT OKAY.