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Dead Inside

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Phoenix1 posted 5/17/2013 13:46 PM

I really feel like I am having an out of body experience, and I am totally dead inside. I am going through the strategic motions like moving his shit into a storage trailer on our property, having the house appraised (he has an inflated opinion of its value), getting FMV of all major assets, asking hard questions about hidden assets, etc., but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I don't care about anything on the inside, and nothing brings any happiness or joy to me. I just don't care. If he came groveling back tomorrow, I wouldn't care. If he got run over by a bus, I wouldn't care. I go to work (three jobs) and go through the motions, but I don't want to be there. Everything I do is like looking at it from outside my own body. I just want to get my youngest DD graduated from high school (2 years) and on her own path in life. Other than that, I just don't care about anything. I feel like he has literally killed me, but I will never let him know that (he doesn't care, so there is no point).

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:46 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

dmari posted 5/17/2013 14:58 PM

Oh Phoenix1, you are so brave to post this. Please see your doctor. You don't have to feel this way. You will be in my thoughts today. He may not care but WE DO! Please contact either your doctor or therapist and tell them what you wrote here.

nolight posted 5/17/2013 16:54 PM

It's your brains way of protecting you from the initial shock Hun and is normal. I say initial but it does not necessarily need to be related to the first pain if discovery or divorce and can happen at any stage when things start to get overwhelming.

You ARE taking action to get your life back on track which is healthy. Do you have a decent support structure in place?

caregiver9000 posted 5/17/2013 18:00 PM

(((hugs)))

It will get better!!!

I agree with talk to your doctor. These feelings are completely normal but you don't want to get "stuck" feeling this way.

From what you write, I would guess you are exhausted, mentally and physically. How COULD you find the energy to care???

(((hugs)))

Jayne Doe posted 5/17/2013 18:34 PM

I understand exactly what you are feeling. I too was left with the house to deal with while he played king of lalaland.

You will wake up inside again.
Start with the small stuff. Mine was a view of a mountain with palm trees down the street from me. I looked at that one day against a blue sky and asked myself how anyone could be in a bad mood when there is such beauty in the world. Every day I stop myself to look at that.

You'll find your smile, your inspiration. It's just taking a little break for awhile.

SBB posted 5/17/2013 19:22 PM

I also suggest talking to your doctor.

I also agree that it is a way of coping with the shock. I describe it as going numb. I had been numb on/off for the last 5 years of my M but it was different in those first few weeks of S.

Acceptance? Freedom? Surrender? I don't know what it was but when it happened it was like the fog lifted suddenly one day.

((Phoenix)) Know you're not alone.

persevere posted 5/17/2013 19:27 PM

(((Phoenix)))

shiloe posted 5/17/2013 20:51 PM

Phoenix

I understand. I am the same way. Just go through the motions. Most days I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning but my kids need me, for now anyway. I don't have the strength to come back from this a second time. I wish I could tell you something more positive, maybe you just need more time. Just know you are not alone in this hell.

Nature_Girl posted 5/17/2013 21:26 PM

I get that way sometimes, too. ((((HUGS)))) It passes. That's all I can say to encourage you. It passes.

Dawn4 posted 5/18/2013 04:44 AM

or ...you could try to look at the funny side of it?

http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/

...sometimes that's all you can do

Kajem posted 5/18/2013 08:42 AM

Sounds more like numb than dead to me. You sound like you're functioning just not feeling. To me that means numb. And it is a step. eventually you will come out of it. If you think it's lasting too long, see your Dr.

Hugs,

K

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/18/2013 21:22 PM

hi Phoenix!!! I agree with the others that you are numb and I worry about how you might feel when the numbness wares off and the impact of the feelings start. Please go see your doctor if it's the only thing you do (besides eating and staying hydrated!).

I'm sorry I don't have much more to add to help you but your message made me at least want to write and give you support and encourage you to reach out for help. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and please do it, even if you don't care. Do it for someone you love.

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