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I am a narsasistic POS. Not only have I been lying to my wife about the A, i met up with the OW again last week for a few hours. The OW would not leave us alone. So, my BS and I went to the Sherriff's office and filed a complaint against her for harrasing communications. Which is misdemeanor. This past Tuesday, I became so overwhelmed that I took 200 mgs of Trazadone. I knew it wouldn't kill me. I was doing it for attention. I also allowed the OW to view my posts on here. And that led her to My BS account. Which she conviently thew in my BS face. I am an evil SOB. I know this. I've been completely honest with my BS for the past 24 hours, and it feels pretty good to be open. I feel like my marriage is beyond repair. I want to become the man she deserves! I see the OW for she is. A narsasistic bitch who is only looking out for herself. Gods. I am so anry at myself for not seeing her for what she is! I'm having a hard time dealing with what I've done. I really and truly want to move forward and change who I am. Oh well. Now that I've vented. Think I'll wait on my wife to get home from work.

[This message edited by Jack317 at 3:18 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

What was the trazodone supposed to do? Given that 10mg seems to be common for prescriptions of many drugs, I'm assuming 200mg is a lot.

So, why, after having been on SI since April, did you let the OW back in. Why did you give up your BW's profile? That is pretty shitty of you. What assurance does your BW have that this won't happen again?

Trazdone is used for depression and sleep. the dose I take is 50mgs a night. I didn't give the OW my BS profile. She figured that one out on her own. There are no assurances I can give my BS that I'm telling the truth. All I can do is try. And you're right. It was a very shitty thing for me to do!

Really jack? Meeting OW and also showing SI? That doesn't make any sense and clearly shows you aren't listening to any advice given to you so far.

You are in one of the biggest pity parties I've seen on here. Every post... I'm terrible, scum, pos and whatever awful name to call yourself.

Pull your head out now. Stop screaming for attention and fix yourself. I sure hope you are in IC

I've been where you are, Jack. Suicide attempt and everything. These wonderful people on SI tried to help me and I was too self absorbed to see it, I just wanted validation and really didnt care where I got it. SI helped, IC helped a lot, but the biggest wake up call came from my father with this one sentence..."Stop hurting people". That was the biggest wake up call. So the best advice I can give you is...STOP HURTING PEOPLE!! And work on yourself from there.

I agree with MUC.

I really and truly want to move forward and change who I am.

What are you going to do THIS time??

Are you ready to ask why?

And answer?

Jack,

WS here.... I've been right where you are very recently. I threatened suicide. I too feel the damage and hurt I've caused. The OW in contact with my BS brought to light a lot of things I lied about or lied by omission or kept lines open.

I initially was so hacked at the OW...but ya know what I used her too... And what I was really mad at was the fact that I was having to answer for things that my BS had asked me or asked for details on or whatever. Again it wasn't about my BS or the OW...it was me being selfish and not wanting to deal with all I have done out of fear, pain and anguish.... Three of the many things I put my BS through.

I think all along I was really mad at myself for my actions and the hurt I caused and continue to... But it was me turning the tables on who was really to blame...me.

I wish you all the luck in the world. The best advice I have is full disclosure...total honesty..don't leave anything out, EVEN if you think it's not significant or small or doesn't matter, etc....it's her right to know and decide what to do...we've robbed our BSs of a lot of life, time, memories, love, attention and so much more...we owe it to them

I wish you luck, strength and peace

I also allowed the OW to view my posts on here. And that led her to My BS account. Which she conviently thew in my BS face.

Wow, Jack. Just wow. You've taken your BSs only safe place and made it unsafe, and now you're on here telling us what a terrible person you are. Why? If you're not doing the work for yourself, if you're not mindful of your BS's safety, if you're not able to see the damage you're causing, then what's the point.

How did the ow identify your BS by looking at your posts? I'm confused, because there's nothing in your signature or profile that points to your BS. I have a hard time believing that the ow could figure out who your BS is out of the thousands and thousands on this site.

This is still about you. Even negative attention is better than no attention, right? What are you getting from letting the ow see your BS's SI posts. You really should think about that, because this behavior will continue until you face it and deal with it. That makes you a danger to everyone in your life. If you don't care about yourself enough to fix your shit, at least try to care enough about others to not make your shit their problem.

STOP HURTING PEOPLE!!

Amen!

[This message edited by longroadhome at 10:49 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]