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dontknowanymore1 posted 5/17/2013 17:06 PM

would it really be so bad to get revenge, just with a one night stand. im getting no where with him seeing my pain, what if he felt it.
I know you will all say no and I will not make any decisions tonight, but if it helps him see, whats so wrong.

Sue1964 posted 5/17/2013 17:07 PM

No it will only hurt u.why lower yourself to the levels of him and his hoe they are not worth it.

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/17/2013 17:10 PM

I know that in my head, its just so tempting sometimes.

thanks pulled me back, I was close for a second.

Nogoingback posted 5/17/2013 17:35 PM

It won't have the effect you hope it will. It will just make him feel you are even. Don't give him any reason to play the victim. He is too messed up to see at this point. He will not feel pain, he will feel justified in what he did.
(((dontknowanymore1)))

Sal1995 posted 5/17/2013 17:41 PM

Are you going to lower your standards to get back at him?

Will hurting him the same way he hurt you make you feel better about yourself?

Also, consider how you would feel about yourself if you just used someone else to get back at your BF. Someone who might really fall for you.

Something tells me that you're not the kind of person who uses other people.

StillGoing posted 5/17/2013 17:56 PM

You're hurting right now. You're angry and rightfully so. What was done was cruel and selfish. Don't let your pain rule you to the point you become ugly enough inside to do ugly things, no matter how justified they seem right now.

Find a healthy and responsible way to ease your hurt. You can't ever force him to see anything without taking a chunk out of yourself to do it. Think about that price. Our choices suck, but you will be okay without choosing to go there.

Sorry you're hurting today. Hope your weekend gets better.

SBB posted 5/17/2013 18:20 PM

I had quite a few one night stands in the weeks after DD. I don't regret what it did to him but I sure as hell do regret what it did to me.

In my mind R was not a possibility - that didn't make my actions any less damaging to me. Not because I thought I betrayed my husband (IMO I didn't) but because I betrayed myself.

There is no healing there. In fact it derailed and delayed my healing big time and was one of the factors that led me into False R.

Ashland13 posted 5/17/2013 19:05 PM

I understand the feelings and thoughts completely, but what I understand about revenge-from other people, largely-is that it's very fleeting pleasure and sometimes acts to find it make problems far worse than they are...for I believe that problems can always be worse, believe it or not.

And then, after revenge, you would have yourself to live with. Yes, the post about possibly hurting another person is a good one...that's what I meant about making a situation worse. We have that going on here, with all the things Perv has done, he didn't make anything better, he made more wrongs.

Two wrongs don't make a right, as they say, but it's hard to remain inactive when the grief and pain are heightened.

My revenge fantasies were geared more toward OW at first and took a while to steer toward him. But you know, he's created so many problems that I feel like he'll get his "cummuppence" without me having to spend the energy or chance doing something wrong.

Yes, it could really backfire on you as well and the high road, rest assured, is lonesome but far better when looking in the mirror at the end of the day.

If there was somewhere to put that energy from revenge wishes, maybe it would help? To harness it and get exercise or do something when it comes...then you are being active in some way and may deter the thoughts?

mchercheur posted 5/17/2013 21:57 PM

I bet most of us BSs here have fantasized about getting revenge---especially on the AP.
Write a letter to your WS, & also to the AP, & post it here. ( Do not mail it to the AP, the goal is to become indifferent to her, altho some of us [ahem....like me] are having trouble reaching that goal).
I have found this to really help with the anger & pain---its a great release. Posting it here is a way of releasing it out into the universe.
The fact that all of the BSs here know exactly how I feel is a comfort too ( "misery loves company?")
I have to confess that at times I have felt so bad that the only thing that comforted me was fantasizing about revenge.
I am waiting patiently for God to take care of it for me.

absolut posted 5/17/2013 22:40 PM

Lots of good responses here but just to add in a few ideas, even though in your heart I don't think it's something you truly want to do...
What if...
you sleep with someone who becomes attached to you and gets their feelings hurt?
What if you become involved in a crazy situation with someone who wants more than a one night stand and goes psycho on you? Believe me, it happens!!! And it's scarrry!!

Also, considering how hurt and vulnerable you are, consider that you might enjoy your one night stand and wind up attaching more meaning to it and imbuing it with all kinds of significance and going back for more, and be the one getting hurt. Lots of women, tons, think they are cool with a fwb or ons situation only to wind up trying to nurture a relationship and then devastated a few months later. So in general on that my opinion is no.

Hugs and best wishes.

dbellanon posted 5/17/2013 22:55 PM

I'm very new to this world, but I think that the idea of revenge occurs to most people.

When the thought popped into my head, I realized something. I thought about the pain that I was experiencing, and I knew that this was not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

I knew before all of this that I could never have an affair. I never thought it possible, but the thought disgusts me even more now than it did before.

It's a natural reaction, but really think about it. You don't want to become what you hate, and you don't want to be guilty of this sin, because you know just how badly it hurts.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/17/2013 23:21 PM

What hurts most about an affair is the deceit and being treated like a dupe or as "the enemy" as they lie and connive. And that it blindsides us.

A one-night stand would not provide revenge since you would be upfront about it; and the fact you are upset, troubled and it's a possibility would hardly blindside your WS.

So the parts of the worst pain that an affair delivers to a BS he would not experience. Just a small part of the agony, so your revenge would be for naught and might backfire if you get HPV or some disease a condom won't always prevent.

And you would never get to talk about your pain ever again, because he would shut you up with the argument that you're "even" and he doesn't want to hear about it again.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/17/2013 23:21 PM

oops. A double post.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 11:22 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 5/17/2013 23:31 PM

For my own entertainment, I've toyed with the idea of a fake affair. Pretend to have secret conversations, hide my phone, stay out late, be vague about my activities... Then, when he gets suspicious, tell him I'm not having an A, it's all in his imagination. Not that there aren't plenty of ways that could backfire but it amuses me.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/18/2013 00:05 AM

A revenge one night stand will NOT give you what you are looking for.

Even if you sleep with someone else, he will still not understand how you feel, being someone who didn't cheat and got cheated on.

What will it do?
-Give him something to be upset at you about
-Make you feel worse about yourself
-You would pretty much have to let go of what he did, and he would use what you did as leverage
-Further break the marriage and trust

Not to mention:
-Possibility of STI's
-Possibly hurting someone else (and potentially their family if you slept with someone else who was married/in a relationship)

Think about it. If you gave your husband a beautiful glass vase, and he smashed it on the floor right in front of your face- you would probably feel a lot of things. Would it make any sense at all to pick up the vase, start to try to glue it back together, and then you intentionally smash it on the floor too?

You're better than that, and it's good that you already know that.

HardenMyHeart posted 5/18/2013 00:32 AM

but if it helps him see, whats so wrong

If you think affairs are wrong, why would you consider having one? If you have an affair, it sends a message that you think it's ok to cheat under certain circumstances.

If you don't wish to reconcile your marriage, then go ahead and become a cheater. If you want to heal your marriage, perhaps you should look for less destructive alternatives.

Have you read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? I recommended starting with this book for finding better ways to heal from infidelity.

So sorry for what you are going through.

wanttogoforward posted 5/18/2013 07:06 AM

I completely understand the idea of revenge... however, you, like me, are likely too solid in your ideas of what is right and wrong to either be able to do it, go through with it, or enjoy getting your revenge... any of these reasons, plus a million more, make it simply not worth even thinking about... but, like you many of us have at least wondered if it was possibly the thing to wake the other spouse up to pay attention what they aren't doing and could be missing. In the end I think there will just be more hurt....

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/18/2013 09:54 AM

thanks all, ive put the idea to the back of my mind....tempted for a moment but so many good points, and I don't think, no I know, I could do that anyway.

hopefulmother posted 5/18/2013 10:09 AM

Or it will do the opposite and make him think you were not worth it to begin with.

They will only see what you did wrong. (see- she is mean and spiteful) They still will not see what they did was wrong. It may just justify his reasons for having an A.