So I was caught cheating by my SO back in Nov. 2012. LTA of 6 years with an ex-boyfriend. I took my time getting all the truth out. TT through February, though he doesn't believe he has everything, still (He does). I know the damage I've done and I have become a completely open book, answer questions the best I can, etc. Some details he wants, I don't remember which makes him mad. He's threatened to hurt me if I don't tell him everything, trying to scare me into telling him more. I honestly have kept nothing from him, since.
I've agreed to no contact, deleted Facebook accounts, he has access to all email and phone records. I bring my work computer home so he can go through that. The only thing I can't give him is my work land line phone records.
I've also agreed to not go to my homestate without him anymore. Big deal for me, since I'm really close to my family, but I understand.
Here's where my issues lie... he has made sexual demands of me, that I'm not comfortable with. During sex, he is always bringing up if OM and I did it this way, did he do it harder, etc... really doesn't make me want to continue and I shut down emotionally.
I talk to him about it, tell him I'm not comfortable with it, if he wants to talk details any other time, fine, but to expect me to be in the moment and bring this up seems ridiculous to me.
If I'm not in the mood to have sex, he gets really mad and says that I just need to fake it, etc. I do and he gets mad because he knows I'm really not into it. I've been loving, attentive, everything else, even when I'm not wanting sex.
I don't know how to be "on" all the time. I am dealing with beating myself up internally, trying to figure out how/why i did what I did for myself. I have completely shut down in an attempt to preserve a little of my sanity. And it's ruined any chance for us.
I can't take the constant comments on how I must be contacting OM another way, that I must have secret e-mails, a secret phone, etc. I can't take being called names all the time just because I don't want to have sex. A bunch of rambling, sorry.
Also, he keeps telling the kids that mommy has a sancho, they of course repeat it and think it's great cause he gives them high fives, etc. This part really kills me. They are 5 and 4, no need to use them to punish me, I do that all on my own.
Like I said, I have pretty much shut down emotionally. I can't be lovey dovey to someone while they are doing these things. I know I'm at fault for our relationship problems, now. But does that mean I have to go along with everything when I'm not comfortable with a lot of it? I'm not confrontational at all and my usual response is to just shut down. Just a rant I guess.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of stuff?
I'm going to be very blunt and you might not like my statement, but as I said, I have been through this: you need to consider that this relationship has run its course. Not everything is fixable, and not all relationships can be salvaged after infidelity.
Bluntly, you are being abused. It's not right. You said he's your SO; I assume you're not married? No kids? I hardly EVER suggest someone cut and run, but in this case, that is my opinion of what you should do. Because I've been there.
((((hugs)))) and welcome to SI.
Edited to add: I just read that you do in fact have kids. I apologize.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 8:16 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
Divorced and remarried to XBH
But does that mean I have to go along with everything when I'm not comfortable with a lot of it?
No. You don't. You are still a human being, you still have rights, and you still deserve to be treated humanely. The only reason your relationship should continue is if you both want to be in it. You have every right to define your boundaries, and you have every right to walk away from the relationship if those boundaries are crossed. There is no reason for anybody to tolerate abusive behavior.
The involvement with the kids should not be happening at all. That's not fair to you, and even more importantly, it is damaging to them.
I'll be blunt also - your SO has some serious issues right now. He is deeply hurt, but you do NOT need to put up with his behavior towards you.
What kind of relationship did you have prior to your A? Has he always been demanding & demeaning towards you?
I had to look up 'sancho' because I didn't know what it meant and that is really f'ed up - he is involving the kids and making a joke out of you - that is pretty screwed up. You DO NOT deserve this - A or not.
He obviously needs help, some one to talk to besides you. You need to stand up to him and tell him to stop treating you like a piece of shit. You f'ed up BIG time but he has no right to constantly humiliate you. And remember, you both have to decide if your A was a deal breaker or not.
[This message edited by SandAway at 7:36 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Be strong. Think of your kids and what you want . Listen closely to your gut. Ive been told its better that way.
Hugs to you.
You are being abused.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
We WS's may have done some serious damage to our spouses and our relationships. But if both partners can't see a future in it, the relationship has to go. However, you have work to do for yourself so that you can understand why you did what you did and don't carry that baggage into the next relationship if this one doesn't make it.
However, I made sure I had somewhere to go and moved out for a bit. No kids are involved for me so it makes it easier. You (like many of us here) have made mistakes - but it doesn't mean you deserve to be abused. If its possible for you - some space might be needed. Now, we are seperated things are turning around for us - no matter what we've done - we still human beings. Be safe for you and your kids xx
The thing with the kids was wrong. But if I were him, I'd be wondering if I was their biological father, given the timeline.
Sorry, but I'm questioning if we're getting the whole, true story here. BTDT: I'm the pot, calling the kettle black.
You don't remember details? About what? Because "I don't remember" lands with a BS Iike "I'm not telling you that!" which is not acceptable, not if you claim the TT has ended.
I have completely shut down in an attempt to preserve a little of my sanity. And it's ruined any chance for us.
Do you want it to work, or are you done? Decide. Then act.
Did he treat you like that before affair?
Do not allow anyone to treat you like this. Be proud of who you are faults and all. Love yourself first.
Either he quits this type of treatment and gets help or you need to move on with life without him.
Remember love yourself!
What your husband is doing is not okay.
I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter what you did. Abuse is inexcusable and unacceptable, and it is not okay.
Speaking as someone who hAs been in two physically abusive relationships, and someone who was raped as a child- sex is one thing that I will put my foot down about. If I'm not in the mood and someone is trying to pressure me or demand sex anyway- not okay. If there is a sexual act or position that I am uncomfortable with, and the person I am with demands it anyway- they can kiss my @$$.
Using the kids against you and getting them involved is also not okay. It is hurting them more than hurting either one of you.
Perhaps the two of you should take some time apart so that he can get a realistic handle on what he will truly need from you for forgiveness. Because it is clear that your husband doesn't forgive you yet, and might not even be ready to. If he can at all. Some people are not able to forgive cheating, and that is alright.
Regardless, please don't let him abuse you. Don't get trapped. And be a good momma to your beautiful children. Don't let him suck them in- that isn't appropriate.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
1) Often, BSs are so embarrassed to have been cheated on that they do not want their friends to know. When this occurs, the internal pressure from bottling up all that anger, anguish and despair gets released only to those closest to him. Your BS might try talking things over with a select friend or two. But bear in mind, for some, this is an extremely difficult hurdle. Yes, he needs to vent his anger at you at your AP. This is natural. But without an external release, he needs to be made aware of the additional harm he’s doing. If he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing the situation with friends, suggest he get into IC. He needs an external ear.
2) There is no mention of therapy/counseling anywhere in your post. Therapy would be the best place – perhaps the only place – to start. Your odds of repairing yourselves and your relationship will rise dramatically with appropriate, professional help. Absent that help, well, you’re really not giving yourselves a fair chance. You both need to ask yourselves if you really want to repair your relationship, and if so, then you need to get off your destructive path.
3) A boundary must be established such that the children are never subjected to such involvement. There is absolutely no good that can come of involving children of tender years in what is clearly an adult matter, particularly when it belittles a parent. Your BS may harbor a desire to turn your children against you as a way of lashing out, but he needs to understand that such behavior is as destructive to the kids as your affair was to your relationship.
4) Regaining sexual equilibrium is difficult. Your BS has had his ego shattered and he is questioning his own abilities. He wants to believe he’s the only one for you (and the best you ever had) but you blew away the security of that notion when you cheated on him. Making things worse, this was not a ONS, but rather a LTA that dates back many years. So now, he questions everything and many of his questions are about himself. “Wasn’t I a good enough lover? How could I have been so stupid that it went on for 6 years and I hadn't noticed? Has our relationship been a sham all this time? Am I nothing more than a security blanket to her? Has she just played me for a fool for the bulk of our relationship?” He’s broken. Unfortunately, he’s now implementing sex as a weapon. I suggest a frank discussion in which you communicate that you do want him physically, but as his lover – not his target. MC can help with this.
5) There is a line between venting (or lashing out) and abuse. Only you can determine for yourself exactly where that line is but it seems you’re unsure, hence your post asking for advice. IC might assist in defining where that line is and MC might aid in establishing that line as an effective boundary.
I’ll close by saying that these words are the most frightening in your post:
“He's threatened to hurt me if I don't tell him everything, trying to scare me into telling him more.”
DO NOT TAKE SUCH THREATS OF HARM LIGHTLY. Have an escape plan in place. Have a safe place to go. And don’t wait to be hurt. If you believe he might, trust your gut. Gather up the children and get the hell out of there!
I see no stop sign soo Bs here.
Did he treat you like that before affair?
This was a good question from heartache. While the physical threats and enlisting the aid of the kids are completely unacceptable, if he has no history of this kind of behavior, then you know that you're dealing with - a spouse who is just sick with anger and grief. The reality of this can make you temporarily insane.
A wayward can observe their BS' pain, but unless you've actually been through it yourself you have no idea how bad it feels. And a LTA of 6 years is an especially crushing blow (my wife's 10-11 months affair is mind-blowing enough for me to deal with) because to him it feels like he's been living a lie for so long. He feels like a dupe and a naive fool, and you made him feel that way.
So of course there's going to be plenty of rage and anger. But if he has no prior history of that, and he hasn't actually hurt you in the 6 months that he has been dealing with this, then know that it will probably start to fade with time.
Best wishes to you and your SO.
- No, before my A came to light, he was not abusive to me in any way. He does have prior domestic violence issues with previous relationships, though.
- He does not want to go to counseling as he thinks the therapist will put all the blame on him. I am looking to get myself in IC, though.
- The kids are definitely his, I've offered to have paternity tests for both if he wished. But they are his.
- he has been talking to his family and friends via phone, etc. They all share his views or maybe he is going with their views on things.
As far as not remembering details, it's more like exactly what I texted 6 years ago, the exact dates, etc. I'm the type of person who doesn't remember what I said yesterday, much less 6 years ago.
[This message edited by sickandtired630 at 5:29 PM, May 20th (Monday)]
My point is that even though your SO is not expressing his anger well his anger is understandable, so I recommend a little understanding on your part. I also advise counseling for both of you. You've taken a lot but so has he, 6 years of betrayal and 4 months of TT, which I went through and is like pouring gas on a
fire. I just hope you can remain objective.
Children should not be talked to about sexuality at such an age, beyond birds and bees at appropriate time, much less know about a "sancho." That's just creepy. And it's a red flag about the environment these kids are being raised if they know of such things even most adults don't even know about.
But, with that said, I will be honest as a BS that 6 years would be a deal-breaker - an affair longer than even your kids' ages. Knowing my spouse was planning kids with me while in an affair would be mind-blowing, and I would not be able to comprehend a mindset like that or trust it again.
I would feel extremely trapped if a male, because for men to walk out means they can't live with their own kids to raise them full time to watch them grow up, since courts usually give moms custody when kids are very small.
So to live with his kids, he may feel stuck with you - he may love you and is hurt and truly would want to stay given the choice, but also trapped with having to stay with someone he probably thinks never had HIS best interests in mind, never "had his back" in six years of the relationship to be able to trust. Even if a BS wants to stay, sometimes the feeling of not never really having the real choice to do so, but being forced into it by having kids to protect, can lead to anger over feeling as if the choice was also removed. More powerlessness and weakness, feeling defeated. Anger from all that.
I'm at a complete loss as to offer any suggestion but IC to help him work through this anger stage - exercise of some sort helps a BS to burn off the anger if you ask him to start running or going to the gym with you before or after dinner. And tell the IC what he says to the children, but let the sessions be between him and the counselor alone.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:51 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
The kids are definitely his, I've offered to have paternity tests for both if he wished. But they are his
How are you so sure of this? Or is it just wishful thinking? I'm not trying to discredit anything you have said but if you had an A for six years, that is a long time and as someone else said, as the BS that would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
The stuff you described tends to hint that he is NEVER going to get over it, but rather than it being a "lets end this" deal breaker, he plans to stay with you, but punish you forever over it, and even involved the kids.
Sometimes I think it is best for couples to part ways because they have hurt each other too much to be able to fix it, and it is my opinion you are one of those couples. Just MY opinion, though.
Everyone deals with betrayal in their own way, and sorry to say, this is the kind of pain, and yes mental abuse, that being cheated on brings about.
I can't say that I wanted to know what my x-wife was doing with OM, but his anger and questioning is familiar.
When you lay down with someone else, are you expecting him to not wonder what you did with the OM? In my opinion, these are the kinds of things a cheating spouse/partner simply needs to put up with if they want to reconcile, for a while anyway and to an extent.
Now, having said that, he is taking this WAY too far. First and foremost is getting the kids involved. They don't need to be burdened with this.
The other thing is threatening to hurt you if you don't tell him what he wants to know. If by that he means physically, then perhaps you need to think about leaving the situation. Its not good, especially for the kids.
But this is the kind of emotions and anger that cheating brings to the surface, and it is understandable. Just not to the extremes he is taking it.
[This message edited by nofool4u at 9:23 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
Yes, I know the kids are his, you can't change the timing of when I got pregnant and the actual PA didn't start till after the kids were conceived. But I can definitely understand if he questions it, I have no problem with a paternity test if he ever wanted it. Like people have said, I have no credibility anymore.
Things have gotten a bit better, but I think it's mostly because he has decided to leave and doesn't want to fight anymore. He still says things out of anger, but they have been to me personally, not through the kids.
Now, I just get to figure out how to be a single mom. I need to figure out my why's and how's and become the person I truly am. Someone who could have never done this type of thing and who will never do this type of thing again.
Please say a prayer for me, I will need all the help I can get.
I appreciate all of the comments I have received. Thank you.
[This message edited by sickandtired630 at 6:15 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]