Ugh... where to start... this is my first post, here, sorry if it is all over the place, kinda where I'm at at the moment.
So I was caught cheating by my SO back in Nov. 2012. LTA of 6 years with an ex-boyfriend. I took my time getting all the truth out. TT through February, though he doesn't believe he has everything, still (He does). I know the damage I've done and I have become a completely open book, answer questions the best I can, etc. Some details he wants, I don't remember which makes him mad. He's threatened to hurt me if I don't tell him everything, trying to scare me into telling him more. I honestly have kept nothing from him, since.
I've agreed to no contact, deleted Facebook accounts, he has access to all email and phone records. I bring my work computer home so he can go through that. The only thing I can't give him is my work land line phone records.
I've also agreed to not go to my homestate without him anymore. Big deal for me, since I'm really close to my family, but I understand.
Here's where my issues lie... he has made sexual demands of me, that I'm not comfortable with. During sex, he is always bringing up if OM and I did it this way, did he do it harder, etc... really doesn't make me want to continue and I shut down emotionally.
I talk to him about it, tell him I'm not comfortable with it, if he wants to talk details any other time, fine, but to expect me to be in the moment and bring this up seems ridiculous to me.
If I'm not in the mood to have sex, he gets really mad and says that I just need to fake it, etc. I do and he gets mad because he knows I'm really not into it. I've been loving, attentive, everything else, even when I'm not wanting sex.
I don't know how to be "on" all the time. I am dealing with beating myself up internally, trying to figure out how/why i did what I did for myself. I have completely shut down in an attempt to preserve a little of my sanity. And it's ruined any chance for us.
I can't take the constant comments on how I must be contacting OM another way, that I must have secret e-mails, a secret phone, etc. I can't take being called names all the time just because I don't want to have sex. A bunch of rambling, sorry.
Also, he keeps telling the kids that mommy has a sancho, they of course repeat it and think it's great cause he gives them high fives, etc. This part really kills me. They are 5 and 4, no need to use them to punish me, I do that all on my own.
Like I said, I have pretty much shut down emotionally. I can't be lovey dovey to someone while they are doing these things. I know I'm at fault for our relationship problems, now. But does that mean I have to go along with everything when I'm not comfortable with a lot of it? I'm not confrontational at all and my usual response is to just shut down. Just a rant I guess.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of stuff?