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Pregnant again...

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thebirdcage posted 5/17/2013 20:21 PM

I can't believe I am here.

I lost my baby in March. Found out a few weeks later that my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex and got her "pregnant" -she got an abortion. And we have been trying to reconcile. He's been doing good and going to counseling. And to top all the emotions I'm already feeling from loosing my baby and the cheating- I found out today that I am pregnant. And so many thoughts are going through my head. I want to be a mom. But the circumstances are horrible. And to top that off I am scared to loose this baby too. I have a condition which they think they can control now that they pin pointed it. And I just can't make the decision to have an abortion. I can't loose another baby. But there is a possibility that I could be a single mom if this doesn't work out.

Help me!!!

Hrtbrken1 posted 5/17/2013 20:55 PM

Hi birdcage, and welcome. I am so sorry for not only your loss, but on having to be here. Try to rest, drink water, and just breathe.

It sounds like you really want this baby. Are you terrified your boyfriend might relapse, and that is why you would have an abortion? I found out I was pregnant not long after my D-Day, so I know how it is just staring at that pee stick. It's great that he's going to counseling. Are you able to go? If not, please talk to your Dr about everything going on. That was one of the hardest phone calls I had to make, and I broke down while talking to my OB. But he and the nurse practitioner were very kind, they've seen this before.

And if you don't feel like you can raise the baby, but don't want an abortion, there is always adoption. What does your boyfriend think?

Hugs going out to you, whatever you decide.

thebirdcage posted 5/17/2013 22:42 PM

Thank you so much for your reply.

I re read what I wrote and it sounded like I'm struggling with the decision to have an abortion. I am not. Abortion is not an option for me. Not because I am not pro choice but because I so desperately wanted a baby who didn't make it, so I couldn't make the choice to not have a baby. I want a baby! But the circumstances are just overwhelming.

I just told my boyfriend and he really wants the baby too. We are both going to individual and couples counseling. I am scared of him relapsing during this pregnancy. I guess being pregnant is kind of a trigger for me. He cheated on me while I was pregnant.

What I am mostly afraid of is telling my family. I just recently told them I was trying to work things out with my boyfriend and they are really upset about it. I even lost friends. And I moved out after d day and live with my family now. They are going to be so disappointed. I guess part of me feels really dumb. How could I sleep with a guy who cheated on me... While I was pregnant. What kind of stupid person does that?!?!

thebirdcage posted 5/17/2013 22:45 PM

How did your situation end up? My heart goes out to you... No one should even have a reason to be on this website :(

nowiknow23 posted 5/17/2013 23:03 PM


First and foremost - breathe. Just breathe.

The baby and trying to reconcile with the boyfriend are (truly) two separate things. No matter what happens with HIM, you are pregnant. I gather from what you have written so far that you want the baby, so I just want to say Congratulations. That baby is a little miracle, even if the timing and circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are less than ideal.

So take a moment, a day, a week... and just breathe. Just soak on things.

The boyfriend? Trying to R? Figuring out your friends and family situation? All that can just sit and simmer off to the side right now.

Breathe, center yourself, and practice your self care for now. Eat. Sleep. Water. Peace. That's what you want to surround yourself with now.

Can you do that? Can you isolate the two things and focus for now on getting yourself calmed and centered for the baby's sake?


Heavy Sigh posted 5/17/2013 23:05 PM

You can wait before telling your family. Give yourself time to adjust to the idea of being a mom, and that it might be on your own.

Hrtbrken1 posted 5/18/2013 06:51 AM

It was hard, but I had wanted to have a third child with FWH. In fact, we had just talked about it a few days before D-Day. I felt like a fool! But he has been working so very, very hard to change that I think if I took out the infidelity from the equation, this was the best pregnancy/postpartum time we've had. Granted, I was bat-shit crazy from finding out about out dear "friend", MOW, and had to go on Zoloft, But he was always there, for any reason. He missed a lot of DD2 first 1 1/2 years of life, thanks to being checked out of family life. I see him whisper in her ear when she's sleeping how very sorry he is. He saw DD3 as a gift, and it has gone well. Not easy, but well.

As for what other people say, well, whatever happens with your boyfriend this is a much wanted child. I felt humiliated making those phone calls, and I did have a friend say "Oh Hrtbrken, WHY?" But, I too wanted another baby. And I was so glad once I met her

My husband and I have both lost friends over his affair. Not only MOW and her BS, but others who just don't understand. Now is the time to just focus on you, and getting you healthy. You guys sound like you're on the right track. Is your boyfriend answering your questions, and being honest? I try to always remember something I see on those In This Family signs I see from time to time: In this family, we do second chances. You are giving him a great gift, not only baby-wise, but in trying to reconcile with him. That takes a strong person.

Althea posted 5/18/2013 07:19 AM

(((birdcage))), I am sending you the biggest hug right now. I ended up accidentally pregnant around the same time I decided to R with my WH. It was horrible. I had so many mixed feelings. I was angry at my WH and felt like he was trying to trap me in our marriage, I was angry at myself for being so stupid, and I was SO embarrassed. I had been talking about divorcing my WH only a couple weeks before. I felt like I was a 16 year old trying to tell my parents I was pregnant! As a result, I didn't tell anyone but my therapist about the pregnancy until I was in the second trimester. It was my third child, so I was showing by that point and didn't have a choice. If I hadn't been, I might not have ever told anyone

I considered abortion for about a second, but knew it wasn't an option for me. WH REALLY wanted the baby, he looked at it as a chance for him to "do it right" in terms of being there for me during the pregnancy and after. Like Hrtbrken1, he was totally checked out during my pregnancy and after DD2 was born, and he regrets it very much.

The decision to R is so difficult and filled with so many ups and downs and heartbreaking moments, adding an unplanned pregnancy to that is almost incomprehensible; but it is reality for a few of us here. I think for us, it has been a good motivator. We want to be as healthy and happy as we can be before a new child comes along and turns our world upside down again

Pregnancy is a bid trigger for me too. I'm now on pelvic rest too, which means no sex for the next few months, which also makes me nervous. It is a real test.

Here is the thing, I (and you) can be a single mother to this baby, and it will be loved. It will be loved by his or her Daddy too, whether or not we are together. My number 1 priority is to take care of myself and my born and unborn children. If my WH continues to tow the line, he will be part of the equation, if he doesn't he won't be.

Stay in IC, you will have a lot of difficult and confusing feelings to sort through; but in the end, there is no greater gift than this baby. Allow yourself to feel happy for that as much as you can

Angel177 posted 5/18/2013 08:47 AM

I found out I was pregnant 5 days before dday. At the time I was so frustrated. We had been trying for over a year and this is the time that it made sense to get pregnant?? When my whole life was falling apart?? But now I can look back and appreciate that it was what I needed at the time. I needed a life inside of me to give me reason to care for myself. If I hadn't been pregnant I think when dday happened I would have done some stupid stuff that I would live to regret. This baby kept me on the right track. Wh has now done a real turn around and stepped up and is a better husband and father to dd, we are both looking forward to this baby coming and we are in a better place then ever before. We went from a hop skip and jump away from divorce to a better marriage then I ever expected us to have in the 10 months of pregnancy, I hope that's what happens for you too!! Good luck!!!!

Angel177 posted 5/18/2013 08:53 AM

Oh yes my wh got ow pregnant too. She had an abortion two days before I found out I was pregnant (so 7 days before dday) wh never asked me to get an abortion...I think he knew I wouldn't but I also think he regretted asking ow to get one and he didn't want to make the same mistake again. I did think about it for a second because being pregnant and single and a single mom of two scared me, especially since I have no job or money of my own. I knew in my heart though that I could never go through with it and now that we are here I see that this baby was meant to be here too.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/18/2013 09:59 AM

Full panel STD tests immediately! No more unprotected sex with him, you can't take the risk that he'll cheat again during pregnancy and give your baby a horrible disease.

thebirdcage posted 5/20/2013 17:04 PM

Thank you everyone for the input.

I did get and std test after dday and so did he. Thank god we are in the clear.

I'm having a hard time trusting myself again. I never thought he would do this to me in the first place so I cannot trust the feeling him my heart that he won't do this again. I want to have happy days and moments again. I've been sad since I lost my baby and ever since then its been a downward spiral. I'm trying to stay positive for this baby who is so desperately wanted by both me and him. I want a fresh start and I want a family with him. Am I being stupid?

#1 priority is this baby's health. I know that. I have hope we are going to make it. It's just a lot in the span of 3 months. I'm terrified of telling my family who are against R. Telling them I want to move back in with him and hat we are expecting another child. Two months after we lost our son and one month after dday.

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