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How do I get over it?

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Abby posted 5/17/2013 21:35 PM

I was in a relationship for almost a year. Come to find out, he was cheating on me (we had agreed on an exclusive relationship and fidelity to one another). I ended the 'relationship' a couple of weeks ago. We've been NC since then.

The past 2 months he treated me unkindly (I'm being generous here!). I don't long for him but I am still having a hard time...I miss the companionship we use to have (prior to the fallout).

I live in a small college town and don't have many friends here (my daughter lives here). I know I need to get more involved in my community - and will try to go to a new church on Sunday. It's hard for me to go alone but I will give it my best.

My question is - how do I get over this? Being alone again?

I'm 57 and would enjoy the companionship of a good man - friends if nothing else. Is that possible? Men seems to be looking for much younger women even though they are in my age range!

Any advice/suggestions welcome!

[This message edited by Abby at 9:36 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

InnerLight posted 5/17/2013 23:52 PM

It is hard getting over it and I think it feels better after 3 months when it's been a year-long relationship. You are doing the right thing by developing your ties with your community.

I believe there are many good men in the world, even in small towns, just as I see the many good women too.

Yes there are men with their eye on a younger woman, but there are many men with an appreciation for women their own age or older, or for who the woman is at (almost) any age.

I think you get over it by grieving the loss, letting the emotions flow, and then reconnecting with what you love to do whether it's biking or painting or square dancing. Get a massage or something that makes you feel good. And then explore your community. And don't be afraid to ask for professional help of all kinds whether it's a life coach or a more traditional IC.

Dawn58 posted 5/18/2013 03:17 AM

Hi Abby,

I was married for five and a half years and lived with the cheating pig for 2 and a half years before we were married. Was married before that, for 23 years.

Not ready to date, I need time to heal my heart and get to the point where my life is full and I feel I can trust again.

I am 54 years old and have never lived on my own. There are times I like the quiet and being able to do whatever I want to do. There are other times, when I am so lonely and the house is too quiet.

I would like to share my life with someone special at some point it time. Have no idea how to date since it's been a few decades since I was single.

Hugs!

Amazonia posted 5/18/2013 10:43 AM

would enjoy the companionship of a good man - friends if nothing else

Do you have close female friends? Why limit yourself to men in this case?

nowiknow23 posted 5/18/2013 10:44 AM

As trite as it sounds, you just have to go through it. Find your way to being comfortable with yourself. Build activities and interests into your routine. When you get involved in things you enjoy, you'll meet other people who enjoy them as well. That's one way to meet friends and find some companionship.

The other thing I would advise it to seek out other people who need companionship - do volunteer work that reaches out to people and/or animals who are isolated, lonely, or need assistance.

As my grandma used to say, the best way to make a friend is to be a friend.

(((Abby)))

Abby posted 5/18/2013 12:05 PM

Amazonia, yes I have a few female friends. Most are married and are busy with family.

Thanks everyone for the advice and suggestions. I am maintaining NC but am finding it difficult today.

Hugs to all

Abby posted 5/18/2013 16:42 PM

Argh! I so want to contact him today. I have to keep reminding myself that he is a LOSER!

Anyone else have this problem?

little turtle posted 5/18/2013 17:08 PM

NC is tough. Especially in the beginning. I used to have to force myself to not check my phone for a message for 10/15/30 minutes... because I'd look at it every 30 seconds to see if I got a message.

What are you up to tonight? Do you have something planned to stay busy and distracted?

InnerLight posted 5/18/2013 17:36 PM

Yes, this can be so difficult. Like your skin is being peeled away and if only you could contact would the pain of being skinned alive would stop.

As you well know the pain wouldn't stop with contact it would only perpetuate the withdrawl symptoms.

Distract yourself with friends, family, exercise, etc. Massage is very therapeutic on a number of levels in this stage.

(((((abby))))))

Abby posted 5/18/2013 19:16 PM

I had plans with my daughter tonight but she isn't feeling well.

Little turtle & InnerLight - thank you both for your responses. I'm just staying in tonight and may watch some TV. I am determined not to contact him and I don't expect he'll be contacting me. I don't want this pain to linger any longer than it has to.

persevere posted 5/18/2013 19:46 PM

NC is definitely the best way to go. I had a recent break up and have been tempted this past couple of days to reach out, but so far have resisted rather well. We can do it Abby!!!

Amazonia posted 5/19/2013 10:51 AM

Find single friends! I know its easier said than done, but if your closest friends are all married, its no wonder you're lonely. That's not an adequate support network, because no one is on the same level you are, no one shares your needs, etc.

little turtle posted 5/19/2013 11:04 AM

Find single friends!

This helped me tremendously!!! I reached out to a girl I know from high school. Her myspace showed a bunch of pictures of her going out. I tagged along with her... she kept me social at least 2 nights a month!

Any meetup groups in your area?

persevere posted 5/19/2013 14:06 PM

Most of my close friends are married too - I just started checking meetups to meet some single friends. I've only been to one so far but it was really great.

SoHappyNow posted 5/19/2013 16:45 PM

meetups.com for your area are great! Keep trying out different groups until you find one that you feel "fits you". For me, it was a group of euchre players who meet once weekly at a local pub. All ages. Friendly, other than the expected trash talking over the game.

My new man is almost 4 years younger and close to his ideal weight, compared to my very plus size. He has finally convinced me that I'm attractive.....last comment was "you're the only one who thinks you're fat". The right man will come along when you least expect it, when you're not actively looking, when you're just bumbling along doing your best to have as happy life as possible and being as kind to others as you are capable of.

Sue1964 posted 5/22/2013 21:36 PM

I was with my h 24 years living lying cheating pig 3 years been a cruel bastard 19 months with no remorse.
I have the chance of a date but its totally freaking me out as hes hurt me so much but to be treat nice and have a laugh its so ethi g I need.

Abby posted 5/31/2013 23:40 PM

Well, I've broken NC. Intellectly I know this is not good for me. I give in emotionally when he phones or emails me.

I remember all the good times and things...and I want that back. Unrealistic, isn't it?

And why in the world am I doing this?! Trying to undo the rejection?

I feel like a loser.

tabitha95 posted 6/1/2013 01:36 AM

Abby....my XSO didn't cheat on me, but he withdrew from me. When he reaches out and makes obvious attempts to pull my heartstrings, I try to remember how I was feeling when I felt abandoned by him. When I told him over and over, how I felt and that I felt lonely in the relationship and that it was one-sided. I have to remind myself that even though I am alone, I felt bad about myself the last 6+ months of our relationship. That I was hurting worse living like that, than how I'm feeling now.

Abby posted 6/1/2013 11:03 AM

Thanks, Tabitha. I've felt badly about myself in this relationship for 2 months now. You've given me a lot to think about and I appreciate your support.

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