SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Darksideofme posted 5/18/2013 12:20 PM

Yesterday and today we've actually talked some. I dont feel like we're getting anywhere when we do. We need a online councilor since we live in a small town... Can anyone point us in the right direction.

I feel so lost... I dont know how to talk to him and when I try he just makes comments at everything I say making me feel dumb and like i shouldnt talk to him at all. I dont know how to do this... Please help...

He's told me that he feels like all the special things that he though were his were just taken away. I.E. being only his sexually, being young couple that made it, and that all the things he felt were specially meant nothing... That he wants everything they got... He doesn't understand how i could do this and say I love him... He wants me to beg his forgiveness everyday...

I don't know what to say except i was wrong, that i do love him, and i don't know what to do or how to handle this. I feel like a total worthless piece of anything...

EvolvingSoul posted 5/18/2013 14:24 PM

It can be so overwhelming, I know. But it evolves. I think we can influence the direction of the evolution but it has to happen at its own pace.

The pacing is different for my BS and I. It's like being partners in some strange dance where the next step could be agony or relief.

I've found my best coping strategy to be letting go of the outcome. Work on what I can control: being authentic and acting with integrity. Acknowledging BS's pain and apologizing for causing it. Taking concrete steps to make it up to him and give him what he needs to heal.

I did not come to the above conclusion and behavior right away. It took me a long time to hit real remorse, as I understand it, but I think finally have. I still struggle with authentically doing some of the things he has asked for but I'm working through it.

You just have to take the very long view. They say it takes 2-5 years to genuinely recover from the emotional wounds caused by this kind of betrayal. Fortunately that gives you time to educate yourself about the nature of infidelity and the nature of you.

Being here helped me a lot. I don't post too much but I've been reading here for almost three years. The countless stories and sharing of wisdom here has greatly informed my much changed perspective. I hope it will for you too.

Hang on and hang in there.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Darksideofme posted 5/18/2013 17:26 PM

Thank you for your responce EvolvingSoul.

Im trying very hard to let his comments roll cause I know he's emotional just like me. I just find it do hard when they are very sarcastic and i get statements like "your not sorry cause it was wrong or cause it hurt me?" When yes that is part of why I'm sorry. I'm also extremely sorry that I put or lives in this position. I sorry that Ive caused all the feelings he has now. Was what I was saying before he chimed in with his comment.

Im not the best at saying exactly what I want to and have a hard time explaining what I mean. This makes it so hard to talk cause hes great at it and then twists all my words around... It frustrates me and I just want to get away and cry...

Then he tells me how he has no one. That comment alone makes me feel like everything ive been doing is so worthless... Ive told him everything, I tell him if something happens like one of the OM contacting me shortly after DDay 2 and also a few days ago. I do not respond back. I do not even have the desire to. This is also the time i started posting here at SI and had time to read posts and articles that I felt help alot.

He has told me a few times to just go run to them. And to be honest i have missed their attention and positive words. This is not often and I do know that it wasnt real, and that they dont mean anything to me.

I really feel isolated at these times. He doesnt think i understand how he feels. When I feel like I have a pretty good understanding from all the reading I've done. Even since we had a MH situation (he has started an EA with a person online lasted about two weeks until i went with my guy feeling and he showed me). Even though that was insignificant in his thinking, i often feel alot of the feeling he has such as feeling fat and ugly. Feeling more inadaquate besides already feeling that way do to my own actions.

Anyway I needed to vent as well I guess. I know I always get pointed in the right direction when I post. I know I need all the help I can get. Thank you SI for being here.

EvolvingSoul posted 5/18/2013 18:08 PM

I completely understand. There have been times during our talks when my brain felt like it was twisting into a pretzel whilst trying to step through a mine field. (Apparently I'm just full of colorful analogies today.) Sarcasm is especially hard to deal with and is one of the things I have asked BS to figure out a way to curb as I tend to shut down emotionally when it happens. Many times it's felt like my apologies have backfired, or when he starts to probe with leading questions it's as if he's looking for a specific answer and I can't authentically give it. I have often found myself apologizing for the wrong thing at the wrong time, or in the wrong way. Couples counselling has helped us somewhat (took us a while to find one that was right for us) but I think the evolution of my own perspective I talked about earlier has been a big part of me finally being able to look at what I actually did to him. It's hard to face, and it hits me at the weirdest times in the weirdest ways. Here's an example.

Our cat got stuck on the roof while BS was in the shower getting ready for work. I had just got home from work and he was running late so I didn't wait around for him to rescue her. I got out the step ladder and set it up on the deck. When I was on about the third step from the top, the ladder collapsed. Major wipeout. Whacked the back of my head, multiple contusions, massive bruises, etc.

As soon as it happened I felt like I needed to get into the house immediately to tell him I had hit my head, in case I suddenly keeled over. (I have the kind of mind that goes to the worst possible outcome in these situations.) Anyway, he was still in the shower and didn't quite clue in to how bad it was when I told him. I laid on the bed and cried and was thoroughly upset by the time he got out of the shower. Now, I know it was mostly adrenaline and pain and shock at being hurt that was driving my emotions, which were anger and resentment that he had not jumped out of the shower to comfort me and that (cue irrational voice) he had not provided me with a safe ladder! The ladder was old and rickety and rarely used and after all it's the man's job to get things like ladders! And all of a sudden...

Oh. My. God. I was mad at him for not keeping me safe. FOR NOT KEEPING ME SAFE. And all those years...I not only did not keep him safe I harmed him and I allowed the AP to harm him and I lied to him while I was doing it. My EA turned PA made him literally sick. He had an organ removed because they thought that's what might be wrong with him. Turned out it was all those years of denying his gut because I was telling him he should. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. While hard to face, that realization made his anger a lot more comprehensible to me and somehow easier to bear when it happens.

Anyway, that's a glimpse into my process. My coming to an understanding of what my BS is going through is really important to him. Generally it's referred to as "getting it". It hasn't been a grand revelation for me, more like bursts of understanding that I'm slowly patching together into a quilt of what I hope is empathy. It's a nice image to think of wrapping my BS in that quilt, although I don't know if it'll ever be enough. I'm just gonna keep working on the stuff I can control.

You keep on keeping on.

Strydr posted 5/18/2013 23:19 PM

Dark,
My BS does and says the same to me....god knows I feel I deserve it. I shut down too at sarcasm. But it's nothing compared to the pain and humiliation I put her through.
Mine is as recent as today. Non disclosure and the pain from it...my honest answer was not what I wanted to say but I did and it hurt and her hurt manifested back at me. And rightfully so.
Do we "have this coming??" Not any more than they did... The A that I had has caused more pain than she can bear...anger at me is just one of the things that are my BSs right.

Stay true, be honest, full disclosure, seek IC and MC and anything else that's going to help you and your marriage in a positive way

I pray for you strength and guidance and happiness