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Tell me about year 3

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Angel177 posted 5/18/2013 17:13 PM

Okay so I'm jumping ahead since I'm still in year one but all I ever hear is year two is so much worse then year one so does it get better in year three? Is that when the pain, anger, sadness, jealousy, mind movies, ect stop ruling your life?

Is year two always worse then year one? Am I doomed to suffer all year next year no matter what?

I just feel hopelessly lost in the darkness today...sigh

namaste32 posted 5/18/2013 19:03 PM

I can only speak for me,and yes the truth is year two was way worse then year one.It was really difficult on an entire different level then year one.Reality had set in and I had to accept that there is nothing I can do about the A. The fact that this is the new normal now.The fact that I will never forget this.The this will always be a part of us.And because of all this,I was very angry in the beginning of year two.Also I was triggering a lot and so hurt,I kept saying I cant do this any longer,........ But somehow,year two passed,and then came year three and now its so different again.So much better.It was worth it to wait it out,I guess.The triggers are less and easier to deal with it.The A and the OW is no longer my last thought before I go to sleep,neither is it the first one in the morning when I wake up. Of course it took a lots of work getting here,from both of us ,me and fwh.And we are still working on things. And yea,it still hurts.But not like the first two years. So there is hope.There is a lots of hope,if your spouse is remorseful and helps you heal.Looking back I never thought I ever will get to this point,but I did.And I am happy and proud of myself and fwh.So dont give up,good luck

mchercheur posted 5/18/2013 19:30 PM

yes the truth is year two was way worse then year one.It was really difficult on an entire different level then year one.Reality had set in and I had to accept that there is nothing I can do about the A. The fact that this is the new normal now.The fact that I will never forget this.The this will always be a part of us.

Yes, this is true about
year two. I have just passed the second antiversary of Dday, so thankyou for giving me hope that it will get better.

RidingHealingRd posted 5/18/2013 21:32 PM

For me year two was not as bad as year 1.

I am not sure how anything could be worse than those initial days/weeks/months dealing with the horrendous realization that you have been betrayed and your life destroyed.

I too remember fearing the dreaded year 2 and decided not to set myself up for a worse year. I would enter it without expecting it to be any worse.

I think that having a model WS, who is:
-100% remorseful
-100% committed to helping you heal
-always patient
-always understanding of the roller coaster of emotions that we experience
-making the BS priority #1...always

is instrumental in making year #2 no worse than year 1.

I am happy to say that year 3 is easier than 1 & 2 and I anticipate each year getting easier ~ and that's out of the mouth of a pessimist.

Wishing you better days ahead.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 9:33 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

KBeguile posted 5/18/2013 21:49 PM

From what I've seen, it all depends. It depends upon the people involved, how they each individually handle emotions, how they each view commitment/responsibility/etc., and how much effort you put into working out any problems of the relationship and re-establishing good communication between both parties.

What I mean is, don't just wait until mediated MC sessions to bring up things that have been bothering you. Do work on your own time to fix what you can about yourself; don't wait for someone else to tell you what to do. Fix behaviors you have wanted to change about yourself.

I agree that having a WS who is 100% committed and responsible lessens the pain to an extent, but from what I've seen, the real process is all of the rebuilding and communication.

Angel177 posted 5/19/2013 10:10 AM

See ridinghealingroad that was my thought...nothing can possibly be worse then the months after dday. I wanted to die in those months, the pain was unbearable some days...the idea that what's to come will be worse then that terrifies me. Thanks for giving me hope that it doesn't have to be worse then that.

It's encouraging to hear so many people say year three gets so much better...I need this to get better.

HardenMyHeart posted 5/19/2013 11:12 AM

For me, year 2 was much, much better than year 1. I considered us reconciled at about 18 months, so things had pretty much returned to normal.

By year 3, I felt my marriage had become strong and we were closer than ever.

Don't get too hung up on the timelines and comparing yourself to others. Everyone heals at their own rate. The sooner you are able to let go of the pain and anger, the quicker R will fall into place.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:12 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Angel177 posted 5/19/2013 12:32 PM

That's the really strange thing...if you take the affair away our marriage is the best it's ever been. How f-ed up is that?? Our relationship hasn't been this good in 6 or 7's sad that we couldn't even see how bad things were until everything blew up in our faces. That's why I don't think year 2 is going to be worse then any of the past several years...if we can keep things going the way they are going then I think year two is ging to be alright for us.

Alex CR posted 5/19/2013 13:14 PM

I think each case is different depending on the people and the relationship. 2-5 years is an estimate.

For me, year one was a time of shock, pain and anger.....during year two I still thought of the A everyday but worked on skills to manage that and we spent a lot of time working on our selves and our marriage. Year two was a time to grieve, to mourn the loss of the life I thought I had been living and to incorporate the A into our history, into my life and our marriage.

Year three has been so much better for us. Life is sweet and we deal with issues so much differently than we did before DDay. The skills we've learned allow us to work through things that, in the past, would pissed us both off ...and we would've gone to our respective corners without resolving anything only piling the s&%t higher on the wall between us.

Of course being in the sixth decade of life, we are aware our time left here is short. Neither of us is willing to waste another moment in misery. Instead we spend our time focusing on the sweetness that's all around us and though our marriage has changed, life is good.

whatjusthappened posted 5/20/2013 14:13 PM

We're 17 months out and so far, Year 2 has far and away been better than Year 1.

I no longer mark the 22nd of each month. I can go days without thinking of the A. The OW and OWH are becoming a smaller and smaller blip on my radar screen. I have a H of whom I'm extremely proud. I hate that he had such an ugly, disgusting A, but he has spent almost every day of the last 17 months working his ass off to become the husband I want him to be, and I've worked hard to become a wife and mother I'm proud to be.

I know the 2-5 year timeline is used as a guideline often, and it's often said that Year 2 is worse than Year 1. In some ways, the anxiety and anticipation that those statements caused was way worse than the reality.

VD2012 posted 5/21/2013 01:10 AM

One thing I've learned in my own dealings with the process of recovery from infidelity is that everything is subjective and highly personal despite a lot of us going through the same type of things. Timelines, estimates, guidelines, etc. are all just that. What may happen for you and when, not necessarily anything exact.

Admittedly I'm only a month into "year 2" but I know it won't be as bad as the first. Nothing can remotely be that terrible. Life has progressively gotten better since D-Day and will continue to because of my continued work (as well as that of my wife).

I was told a lot that the "rage phase" hits at 6 months. This is true for many. For many more it's not, such as myself. Rage hit once the shock wore off (about two weeks to a month for me) and burnt itself out by about 4/5 months. By month 6 I was actually forgiving my wife instead of getting angrier with her. Like whatjusthappened the anxiety and anticipation by hearing that stuff was worse than what actually came. And it made me focus on things I shouldn't. I should be here. I shouldn't feel this. This person is 4 years out and still devastated, I must be rugsweeping or still in shock. It's so easy to derail your own path when you're focusing on someone else's.

There's just so many variables and unknowns in every unique situation no matter how close something resembles your own or how someone feels similarly to you. I gave up making comparisons or worrying about where people were with their own healing quite awhile ago, as it made me lose focus too often on my own.

Year 2 may be terrible for you. It may be good. It may be wonderful. You may have the marriage you always wanted. You may realize the affair was a dealbreaker for you. You may feel great and then year 3 is horrible. You can't predict it. You deal with what you deal with. Focus on the here and now. Focus on you.

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