Is year two always worse then year one? Am I doomed to suffer all year next year no matter what?
I just feel hopelessly lost in the darkness today...sigh
yes the truth is year two was way worse then year one.It was really difficult on an entire different level then year one.Reality had set in and I had to accept that there is nothing I can do about the A. The fact that this is the new normal now.The fact that I will never forget this.The this will always be a part of us.
Yes, this is true about
year two. I have just passed the second antiversary of Dday, so thankyou for giving me hope that it will get better.
I am not sure how anything could be worse than those initial days/weeks/months dealing with the horrendous realization that you have been betrayed and your life destroyed.
I too remember fearing the dreaded year 2 and decided not to set myself up for a worse year. I would enter it without expecting it to be any worse.
I think that having a model WS, who is:
-100% committed to helping you heal
-always understanding of the roller coaster of emotions that we experience
-making the BS priority #1...always
is instrumental in making year #2 no worse than year 1.
I am happy to say that year 3 is easier than 1 & 2 and I anticipate each year getting easier ~ and that's out of the mouth of a pessimist.
Wishing you better days ahead.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 9:33 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
What I mean is, don't just wait until mediated MC sessions to bring up things that have been bothering you. Do work on your own time to fix what you can about yourself; don't wait for someone else to tell you what to do. Fix behaviors you have wanted to change about yourself.
I agree that having a WS who is 100% committed and responsible lessens the pain to an extent, but from what I've seen, the real process is all of the rebuilding and communication.
It's encouraging to hear so many people say year three gets so much better...I need this to get better.
By year 3, I felt my marriage had become strong and we were closer than ever.
Don't get too hung up on the timelines and comparing yourself to others. Everyone heals at their own rate. The sooner you are able to let go of the pain and anger, the quicker R will fall into place.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:12 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]
For me, year one was a time of shock, pain and anger.....during year two I still thought of the A everyday but worked on skills to manage that and we spent a lot of time working on our selves and our marriage. Year two was a time to grieve, to mourn the loss of the life I thought I had been living and to incorporate the A into our history, into my life and our marriage.
Year three has been so much better for us. Life is sweet and we deal with issues so much differently than we did before DDay. The skills we've learned allow us to work through things that, in the past, would pissed us both off ...and we would've gone to our respective corners without resolving anything only piling the s&%t higher on the wall between us.
Of course being in the sixth decade of life, we are aware our time left here is short. Neither of us is willing to waste another moment in misery. Instead we spend our time focusing on the sweetness that's all around us and though our marriage has changed, life is good.
I no longer mark the 22nd of each month. I can go days without thinking of the A. The OW and OWH are becoming a smaller and smaller blip on my radar screen. I have a H of whom I'm extremely proud. I hate that he had such an ugly, disgusting A, but he has spent almost every day of the last 17 months working his ass off to become the husband I want him to be, and I've worked hard to become a wife and mother I'm proud to be.
I know the 2-5 year timeline is used as a guideline often, and it's often said that Year 2 is worse than Year 1. In some ways, the anxiety and anticipation that those statements caused was way worse than the reality.
Admittedly I'm only a month into "year 2" but I know it won't be as bad as the first. Nothing can remotely be that terrible. Life has progressively gotten better since D-Day and will continue to because of my continued work (as well as that of my wife).
I was told a lot that the "rage phase" hits at 6 months. This is true for many. For many more it's not, such as myself. Rage hit once the shock wore off (about two weeks to a month for me) and burnt itself out by about 4/5 months. By month 6 I was actually forgiving my wife instead of getting angrier with her. Like whatjusthappened the anxiety and anticipation by hearing that stuff was worse than what actually came. And it made me focus on things I shouldn't. I should be here. I shouldn't feel this. This person is 4 years out and still devastated, I must be rugsweeping or still in shock. It's so easy to derail your own path when you're focusing on someone else's.
There's just so many variables and unknowns in every unique situation no matter how close something resembles your own or how someone feels similarly to you. I gave up making comparisons or worrying about where people were with their own healing quite awhile ago, as it made me lose focus too often on my own.
Year 2 may be terrible for you. It may be good. It may be wonderful. You may have the marriage you always wanted. You may realize the affair was a dealbreaker for you. You may feel great and then year 3 is horrible. You can't predict it. You deal with what you deal with. Focus on the here and now. Focus on you.
Surrender to the truth of life.