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Book for Working Through the A

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changedforlife posted 5/18/2013 18:43 PM

So, my WH and I had our first MC session. We both like the counselor so far however her focus is to strengthen the M. She doesn't get into the A or the "why". We live in a small town with few affordable options for MC so we are going to continue with this MC for now to see how it goes.

I am wondering if there are any good books that would help us work through the A ourselves. I have already bought How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, Not Just Friends, & Getting Past the Affair (having a hard time getting into this one). Are there any other good step by step books for reconciliation after an affair?

I have also bought The 5 Love Languages, Co-dependent No More, & Beyond Co-dependency for myself. I used to really poo-poo the whole self help genre of books and there is a lot of crap out there, but I wish I had found some of these books earlier in life.

FightingBack posted 5/18/2013 19:27 PM

I liked After the Affair by Janis Abrams spring. Althoughnit isn't exactly a step by step guide.

Getting Past the Affair seems to be more of a guide, but like you, am having trouble getting in to it. The exercises at the end of each chapter are not realistic for us to do, but I haven't found any anywhere else either.

I like the idea of printing articles or threads from SI and discussing them together. Too bad My H never discusses them with me after he reads them, prints them and files them.

Glad you have read How to Help your Spouse......... and Not Just friends. nThey are must reads.

changedforlife posted 5/18/2013 19:40 PM

Glad it isn't just me that is having a hard time getting into that book.

I will have to try After the Affair. I have been reluctant to read it after reading some of the reviews that say she blames the M. I think I am secure enough to read it now and ignore what I don't agree with.

I have debated telling my WH about SI. I think there are some great things for him to read on here but it is also my refuge still. I did print off one article shortly after Dday for him from here and he was still in the fog and didn't respond well to it. Then he googled it to try to find out where I got it. I know he is out of the fog now and is really trying to help me through this but I'm still wary about sharing this place.

hardlessons posted 5/18/2013 20:25 PM

Changed, for your WH the book that a huge help for me as a WH was Emotional Affair by Gary Nuemann. It opened my eyes in regards to boundaries. Can't suggest it enough for your WH.
good luck

mysticpenguin posted 5/18/2013 23:30 PM

I LOVED Intimacy After Infidelity. It's easy to read, clear, and the exercises are really really useful and not hokey / corny whatsoever. Getting my WH to address his own self-intimacy was the biggest key in repairing our M and being able to talk about what happened. The exercise the authors propose for improving one's own self-intimacy worked like a charm for him. Can't say enough good things!!

For general relationship help and to help your WH see *how* his infidelity damaged your M, ability to trust, self-esteem, etc., I like Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. It really teaches the attachment theory of love and has some very effective exercises.

changedforlife posted 5/21/2013 07:36 AM

Thank you for those suggestions as well!

hardlessons - How was the reading in Emotional Affair? WH is not a reader at all.

mysticpenguin - I will have to check out Intimacy After Infidelity. I know I have issues with intimacy as well.

Thank you all so much. Luckily I am a voracious reader.

Knowing posted 5/21/2013 08:12 AM

"Intimacy After Infidelity" is absolutely THE post-affair-healing/A prevention workbook for both the WS and the BS. It's all about looking inside for answers and developing true intimacy within yourself and with your partner.

hardlessons posted 5/21/2013 08:17 AM

Changed, it was easy reading. I never read these types of books before but as a wh who wants to fix his crap this seemed like the easiest thing I could do..

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