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Memphis posted 5/19/2013 09:31 AM

When I opened this site tonight, it brought me to tears. Your thoughtfulness, kind words, and insight is overwhelming! Thank you all for your help and understanding. Yes, my children are all grown, even so they know the pain of D. My daughter comes to me and tells me that her children will never have an anchor as they had as children. (She refers to her grandparents' homes during the holidays and such.)Needless to say, I could never share with my children what is going on with me now! A second marriage in which their mother's new husband is doing the same thing as their father?! I do feel as though my H made calculated moves while he was away. Alcohol was involved. He even told his "friend" that he wasn't married and had practically no life other than being with his children. He also told her he was practically celibate. LOL!!!! Lie, after lie, after lie. My husband has also been married before. During one of our conversations after the initial "discovery," he told me that he should have gone with her after his divorce. She was the one for him. Yes, alcohol was involved during this conversation. The next day when I asked him about his comment hoping that his mind had cleared, he told me he wanted to make me angry and to be hurtful. It's my belief that when alcohol is involved the truth is still spoken, just not inhibited. Earlier I read something on this site about an empty bucket and making amends. BEING HURTFUL ISN'T THE WAY TO FILL THE BUCKET AND TO MAKE AMMENDS. Life seems to be going on as usual around here. I'm just waiting for the second bomb to go off.

[This message edited by Memphis at 6:33 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/19/2013 09:49 AM

Memphis, wow, what a total and complete heartbreaker. To have been so direct about your needs, to have been made promises to your face, to have felt trust, believed promises. And to have had this happen again AFTER having been so clear. First marriages, well we just take vows. Maybe we don't really get into talking deeply about the issue of fidelity. But second marriages after infidelity? Definitely discussed and to have it happen again is a terrible sort of pain. I was cheated on too by husband #1 and my next significant other who i made a committment to but purposely didn't marry because i didn't want to take vows again that could be broken (I was really hung up on the vows thing the first time around, that I had spoken them and then was forced to break them), well he knew my history and my pain well. And get this, he was also cheated on by his first wife!

He tells me pain has short memory, when i asked him how could he cheat on me when he knew the pain of how it felt to be cheated on....

I too feel completely knocked down again. I feel like a fool. I feel like an idiot. And then a few times a day I find my self-esteem again and I feel myself strong, independent and able to move forward. I'm trying to breath through all the moments. I know i have to leave. It's the only way to salvage my self esteem and feel strong again. How about you? How are you coping these past 2 months?

Chrysalis123 posted 5/19/2013 09:51 AM

I am so sorry for your pain and devastation.

Do you have any ideas of how to help yourself heal and get through this?
I am glad you found us.

jjct posted 5/19/2013 10:39 AM

Oh, you're good enough (((Memphis)))
Lots of us have '2 strikes'
(I've stepped out of the batter's box, and am tapping the bat against my cleats for now)
And, ummm...you know what he did is a tad bit more than a mistake, right?
He's got some repairing to do. A lot of repairing.

Sal1995 posted 5/19/2013 14:09 PM

And, ummm...you know what he did is a tad bit more than a mistake, right?

Exactly jjct. My wife and even our MC uses that word at times, and even I do if I don't catch myself.

The first time my WW hooked up with the OM was, possibly, giving her every benefit of the doubt, a "mistake." Especially with alcohol involved.

But hookup #2 wasn't a mistake, and by hookup Nos. 99, 100, 101, etc. - "mistake" had left the building a long time ago.

Long-term bad behavior is just that. Not a mistake.

So sorry for what you're going through Memphis, I wish peace and healing for you.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:10 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Heavy Sigh posted 5/19/2013 14:25 PM

Since he was out of town and contacted her, he plotted this in advance. It wasn't a mistake, it was full-fledged deceit and plotting.

Untangle your finances from him and get out while it's easier to do and investments won't affect kids. I assume yours are adults already? Just run. If they cheat in the first year when the lust factor is in full inferno, that means he's not "all-in" with the heart, and he will grow more unattached as the "fire" dies down even more. Run.

It's not you who isn't good enough, it's him who is not good enough.

He could be a serial cheater who saw you as needy and naive and very hopeful, so fed you a line of sh*t hoping it would take you 35 years to figure it out, which his how long it took the last time.

If he is in any way financially dependant on you, then you really, really need to run and separate finances FAST.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 2:28 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

jackie89 posted 5/19/2013 16:39 PM

I'm so sorry, that you are going through this again! I can't even imagine the pain.

Right now we are so hurt, but we have HOPE, hope that we will know how to choose better, how to express about what betrayal does to a person, a marriage - and you seemed to have done just that, and yet here you are.

Why are these people so selfish???

((((memphis)))

Sharpeshooter posted 5/19/2013 16:40 PM

Memphis, you are worthy and good enough, try to stop doubting yourself and pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to have a go the second time. I respect your courage. I have learned from all the people here that we are not alone in this struggle. My W also said she made some mistakes...I don't think so. Stay brave and strong and conduct yourself with calm and dignity. Rise up and float above the sediment.

Memphis posted 5/19/2013 19:29 PM

I just realized that I've been replying incorrectly. (Not my responses but clicking on the correct buttons . . . LOL) As a result, I hope my response is now in the correct spot. Thank you all for your insight. My heart goes out to ALL of you. I want to handle this with my head held high and with my dignity intact. Yet I have stomped, cried, and broken so many things. This wasn't even done initially . . . but about two weeks ago. I feel guilty and embarrassed because "I lost it." There are times that I need desperately to talk about my feelings and begin to shake at the thought of bringing it up, so I don't. The next morning I'm glad that I didn't. Days later, I want to talk again. As I said previously, things are going on as usual, yet I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When this happens, one of us will be walking out the door. I really feel that I'm not really what he wanted. Yet he talks about being together for the rest of our lives.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/19/2013 23:55 PM

((((Memphis))))))

i really admire your ability to keep it together most of the time! With my Sicilian ancestry, i was brought up in a very "real" and free emotional household and am "allowed" to have my emotions to get free range of expression - good, but also not always a good thing. Sounds like you want to keep cool with him which sounds very very wise, but here you can talk about anything, if that makes you feel any better. And he might talk about being together for the rest of your lives, but on whose terms? These cheaters, they can be very charming, believable; they are amazingly talented liars. I'm so sorry but I would not trust him and I would start to plan your escape. I'm so so so so sorry you are going through this.

mchercheur posted 5/20/2013 16:00 PM

(((Memphis)))
I too am in my 2nd marriage & have been betrayed for the 2nd time.
I had been cheated on in my first marriage (no children in that marriage), & my discovery of his A led to a D.
I put up with a lot of things in this present marriage that I was not happy with, because I thought that at least he was one of the few guys on earth who would never cheat or lie to me---at least he portrayed himself as being one of the most moral people I would ever meet. I told him when we got married about what my first WH did, & I told him: "Don't ever cheat on me, or I will D you." WH # 2 states he doesn't remember my saying that. Little did I know how different it would feel with young kids involved, so here I am trying to R.

It is something isn't it, having both of the men who you exchanged marriage vows with betray you. Even tho everyone says it is something broken in our WHs, it really makes me feel that there is something wrong with me.
I will NEVER trust anyone 100% again, never.

Sending you hugs & strength.

Memphis posted 5/20/2013 16:25 PM

I come from an Irish / Catholic background. When things didn't go right under our roof, there were usually whispers. So when I do get my "Irish up," it's with a great amount of guilt. I try my best to keep it on an intellectual level, and as I just explained, I'm not always successful. I greatly appreciate the reminder that I can come to this site to share my feelings. My H is extremely close with his sister. I asked if he shared his indiscretion with her and he told me no. I was warned about him while we were dating and analyzing the way I do, and THINKING that I can decide for myself, I jumped out of the pan and into the fire because I was so charmed! I'm STILL charmed! What under God's heaven is wrong with me? I earn my own living, and it's a good one. I'm smart; at least I thought I was! AND I feel foolish because my mind is telling me one thing and my heart another.:0( Anyway, his sister is getting married next weekend. I am so very scared that something will trigger me getting upset and walking out during the reception. Again, I want to hold my head high and act with dignity, so walking out at such an important occasion would be a disaster. Yet this is the movie in my head! I told him last night that the wedding is worrying me . . . end of conversation. It all comes down to this. His older sister, the one he is close to would certainly offer me advice if I decided to talk to her and let her know what her brother is up to. I am sooo shamed! It's funny because she told me there's no way he would ever cheat on his wife. This was one of our brother's fiancé and future sister-in-law conversations prior to us getting married. I had a check list that I wanted to make sure would or wouldn't happen. BUT, she was wrong. Evidently she doesn't know him the way she thought. So you see, I've been thinking like you and everyone else on this site. I so do appreciate your input. I continue to seek wise words and heartfelt connections. Thank you, friends. :0)

Memphis posted 5/20/2013 16:38 PM

(((mchercheur)))
My first marriage was 35 years and 3 children who still find it difficult, even as adult, that mommy isn't married to daddy anymore. I was there for 35 YEARS of my life being "The Good Wife." I became extremely ill after my D. My H knows how difficult it was on me. This I can't understand. Why would he take such chances? How can people be so heartless? While he was away on his "business trip," I sent him a text to tell him that I'm sharing the moon with him. He never text me back that night to say "Goodnight."

Jada52 posted 5/20/2013 20:07 PM

So sorry Memphis. Second WS for me as well. This one hurts a lot worse than the first.

Sending hugs to you.

mchercheur posted 5/20/2013 20:09 PM

(((memphis)))
(((Jada52)))

Memphis posted 5/22/2013 10:56 AM

(((Jada))) Thank you for the hug. I'm sorry for your pain as well.

undonelife posted 5/22/2013 11:04 AM

(((HUGS TO ALL))) Im right there with you all. My 2nd husband too. I was young and stupid the 1st time - he was a player and a hunk, I didnt know it, too niave to see. This time I got all kinds of promises to never hurt me like my first husband did, comments on how stupid he was to betray me...on and on. I thought I had found my upstanding man with integrity. 28 years...28 years of faithfulness and support pissed away. I stood by him for 13 years as he had a chronic illness and was unable to work. Moved 400 miles away from my family so he could go to college and retrain for a new career. Worked 2 jobs so we could make ends meet while he went to college full time (and didnt work!). Moved in with his parents for the first year of college to cut expenses! I've given and given and Im all give(d) out! I got nothing left, not even for the R we are trying to do right now. No matter what he does I get sick to my stomach when he's near me, have no desire to be with him, can only think nasty thoughts toward him. We have 2 kids 16 and 14 so Im trying to hang in there and make it work, but its gotta be on my terms this time around. I aint going back to the life we had before!

TrustGone posted 5/22/2013 11:57 AM

I know how you feel. This is also my 2nd WH. I was with XWH#1 for over 20+ yrs and he cheated on me off and on the entire time. ONS's and EA mostly. I finally had enough and D'd him. WH#2 knew my XWH#1's history of cheating and his XW cheated on him. That was why I was so devastated to learn he was having a LTA with an old GF. I never in a million years would have thought he would ever do that to me. We had a good marriage (or so I thought). I don't know why it hurts so much worse with WH#2 but it does. I know I detached from XWH#1 many years before I D'd him, so maybe that is why. I guess this time I just never saw it coming and I loved and trusted WH#2 so much. It rips my heart out that I will probably never know true love in my lifetime now and the two people I gave my heart and soul to betrayed me in the worse way possible. I have no desire to ever marry again and I guess that is part of the reason I am still with WH#2. He is not abusive and most of the time he acts very loving to me. We rarely argue and have a nice home on a large acreage.To D now would devastate us both finacially at our age. My D from XWH#1 cost me a fortune just 10yrs ago. It took me a good 5yrs to finally pay off that D and get back on my feet again. My WH#2 is a bad alcoholic and has gotten worse since he started his affair 4yrs ago. I guess that is how he deals with the guilt. It is starting to affect his health and my health really took a nose dive after DD. I am starting to get my self-esteem back and my health is improving, so at least I have made some progress since DD. I have started to concentrate more on my needs and less on his and that is helping also.

I really feel for BS's that are going through this with another WS. It is certainly not fair to have to live your life like this again. (((HUGS)))

Memphis posted 5/22/2013 18:08 PM

I mentioned that life goes on as usual in my household. Other than an occasional off-colored question by me, my H will answer without blinking an eye. I was told by the OW that my H was "good, very, very, good" at deception. She was an old GF who obviously knows him much better than I, but here is the clincher. It speaks multitudes about my H's charisma. Years ago, she told him to go and NEVER get in touch with her again. Well, he did, and that was that. He found his way back to her bed. My entire point is what does a person do if they know their spouse can lie so easily? All he has to do is smile . . . no matter the W's age, THEY WILL RESPOND! I tolerated this. I married him knowing this. I respond to him still. My mind tells me how stupid I am. So as I say all of these things, my mind tells me it's just a matter of time for him to do it again and then tell me he made a mistake. I know it can't happen again. We are financially connected. Although, we've only been married a little over a year. The house is in my name, and I am the main source of income. Yes, this is my second time around with the 2nd man in my life. I've been with no other. Thinking baseball . . . what would my batting average be?
I want to share how much (hugs) means to me. During my first divorce . . . amazing, I said, "First divorce . . . "I was so starved for affection during my last 3 years of a 40 year relationship, that I told someone, "All I want is a hug." The human touch is such a powerful thing. It means so much. I have no more words to explain further . . . I can't do it justice. I send HUGS to you all.

HeartInADustpan posted 5/22/2013 18:36 PM

I too am in my 2nd marriage & have been betrayed for the 2nd time.
I had been cheated on in my first marriage (no children in that marriage), & my discovery of his A led to a D.

^^^^
Add me to the club.

Indescribable pain. My WH#2 even went as far as to mock and ridicule my XH#1 for what he had done while doing the same thing since we were DATING. I still fight with the "am I just not worth being faithful to" mentality every day.