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Npd in action...translation anyone?

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Chrysalis123 posted 5/19/2013 13:16 PM

Backstory: In an earlier post I spoke about X-NPD girlfriend lashing out at my DD16 for making a pit stop at their home with a friend and eating a few snacks. DD16 has been scapegoated by x-npd since she was 9.

Counselors called social services, neighbor called police called on him, and many, many incidents of emotional/physical abuse toward this child by him and DD18, and recently now GF, (this happened in the beginning right after the affair for several years.) GF is not OW.

My DD18 is the golden child. Seldom disciplined by him and acting out by stealing from me. Started with forged checks at age 14, and moved onto taking electronics without permission while I was on vacation, and other thefts of my things. I also had a post about the family videos she took. NPD would not give them back for a year until contempt charges were filed against him, and then he played the system for a good 6 months. My gut tells me to take a firm stand with DD18 and set firm and clear boundaries and a way for her to repair the broken trust. SHe is always welcome here, but currently has cut me out of her life.

My Dad treated me like NPD is treating his kids. However, 7 years ago my father apologized and we have been reunited, and my father is doing a great job with my kids. I never hated my dad. I was hurt and devastated, especially since my mom died when I was 13. I went NC and set firm boundaries. To NPD boundaries=hate.

Here is a transcript of a text exchange between my wonderful DD16 and him.

I am posting so I stay no contact with NPD-asswipe because I am fighting the urge to rip him a new one.

DD16: Don't be the guy who chooses his girlfriend over his kids we don't like her don't.... be that guy.

FT: not fair at all young lady. And by hanging up before I finish talking, not fair also. That keeps things very one sided, not even listen to the other person is very selfish behavior.

DD16: and constantly picking GF over me isn't selfish? Choosing what makes you happy all the time makes ME the selfish one?? I asked mom if she would care if sister brought her friends over to eat snacks and she said she would love it because she would get to see them all. I guess You don't feel that same way. And I'm positive GF isn't the one in tears. for once can you put your kids first?

FT: GF is in tears. And if you didn't know OR remember your mom was going to call the police because DD18 had her jacket.

DD16: It is blatantly obvious you prefer GF over us. The sad part is you don't even deny it.

FT: I love you both. Why would you want to put me in the position of one or the other? Is that fair?

DD16: Because I have been your daughter for 16 years. DD For 18. That's a long time. GF can waltz in and be here six months and suddenly it's only about you and her. I've only got one year left before college and if you keep acting like I'm not welcome in your home I just won't come over.

FT: But you won't visit or stay or try being here with us, but want to swing in and grab stuff and leave. Not even any notice or hello or thanks. And believe me, your mom would throw a fit if DD18 came in her house took something and left.

No matter what your mother is saying now, she called the police last time that happened. If you didn't know she called the police over the missing VCR, WII, and the curling iron.

DD16: I said hello, thank you, and goodbye. GF was rude. Ask my friend who was standing there. My friend was appalled. Why would I continue going to your house? I have to be crazy to subject myself to that kind of treatment. And you're still choosing to ignore the fact that DD18 and I are your kids.

We will always be your kids. We always have been. She will not , and never will be an "always" in any of our lives. Yet she still matters more to you than us.

FT: Honey, you are playing the guilt game and I ain't going to play. If you were here on a regular basis this would be a whole different ballgame.

DD16: No it wouldn't. I still wouldn't like GF and neither would DD18. So have a blast with GF because as long as she's around, I'm not.

FT: I am sorry you feel that way.

DD16: That is a copout. If you really were sorry, you would do something about it. But you won't.

FT: And what would you suggest? I send her away? I am alone, and you continue to not come here for whatever reason? Why wouldn't you want to celebrate and encourage my happiness?

DD16: Because she is not kind to me. Your kids should matter more to you than your girlfriend. But whatever. I don't need or want either of you in my life.

FT: That makes me sad, and hope one day that will change. The culture of bad feelings, That is perpetuated by your mother, has to be broken. I know your mother openly talks down about me.

DD16: No she doesn't. Nothing will change until you do.

FT: Your mom hated, I mean hated her father. Didn't speak or visit with him for more than 20 years, ask her if it was worth it.

DD16: Don't tell me you love me because you do not treat the people you love the way you've been treating me.

Can I go barf now?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 1:20 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

nowiknow23 posted 5/19/2013 13:35 PM


Lordy, Chrysalis. I can't even imagine the pain she's experiencing at the hands of her father. And you know - you just KNOW that he will never "hear" her.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/19/2013 13:35 PM

Ugh, yeah,

Your daughter is so wise and calling him out correctly, and I don't even have the words to describe your NPD ex. What an asshole. Where is his encouragement to her that he loves her?? Why doesn't he just say he will work on things?? That he will talk to his GF about being such a bitch and overstepping her boundaries?? He's putting it all on your daughter, like she's the only one with a problem and she's the one who needs to change, and that is so very sad..

Big hugs to you and your kids.. I wish I had some good advice, but your daughter seems correct to just drop him for now..

Chrysalis123 posted 5/19/2013 13:51 PM

As I reread this, what gets me is all the projection. It is really unbelievable that he has no idea why DD16 doesn't want to see him? It is all her fault or my fault.

Nothing can be his fault.

Also, the way he uses me or my father to create circular talk and to dodge the question.

Things like; Very one-sided...yep I call him the one-way street guy (his way only)

not listening: can you see him not listening the entire conversation? He never understands her hurt or desire to have a relationship.

Blame-shifting onto me...what does my response in my home have to do with him and DD?? Not to mention him fabricating what he thinks I would do.

Paying the guilt game: umm...pot call kettle black???

I am alone: Root of the problem and admission...he is alone because of his rotten, selfish, sick behavior.

celebrate and encourage me: who is the adult? Entitled and self-absorbed???

culture of bad feelings: He cannot tolerate that I left him...and I take up a lot of his head space

Good news is I am free. I realize a lot of this is his way to get me to respond. He knows my underbelly is my kids...

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 2:15 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

little turtle posted 5/19/2013 13:54 PM

That's ridiculous! How can he compare your DD18 stealing things to your DD16 stopping by and having a snack???

It's sad that FT continued to blame everything on someone else. He shows no responsibility.

remember your mom...
your mom would throw a fit...
That is perpetuated by your mother... your mother openly talks down about me
Your mom hated, I mean hated her father...

None of those comments about you have anything to do with the situation. What a blame-shifter! Your DD16 handled herself very well. Constantly re-directing back to him and ignoring most of the stuff about you. Sad that her father will miss out on her life, but clearly, he doesn't deserve to be in it.

inconnu posted 5/19/2013 13:56 PM

It's obvious he's not hearing her, but it's equally obvious that you've raised one smart young lady. I know it doesn't lessen her pain any, but at least she does seem to know that it really is him, not her.
What a horrible position for a teen to be placed in.

nordicbabe posted 5/19/2013 15:29 PM

Wow. This is some of the smae shit my 14 year old goes through with his father, some of it word for word. God, these Narcs are such assholes.

Sad in AZ posted 5/19/2013 16:24 PM

What a lot of shit. Your poor DD

Luckily, she has you; as long as she can come to you, she knows you'll have her back. You are her champion. She knows she will be heard and understood.

In a perfect world, assholes like your X would not be allowed to have children; unfortunately, it's not a perfect world. Thank heaven your kids have you.

Kajem posted 5/19/2013 16:41 PM

She gets it Chrysalis, she really does. It hurts like hell, but at least she gets it. She is ahead of her sister, who will be discarded the minute she questions his love.

Chrysalis, encourage her to not pretzel herself for her FT father or any man for that matter. She is a beautiful, bright and caring young lady... and if her father can't/won't show her he loves her by taking her side once in awhile - It's his loss.

And it is - His loss. And he will never see it that way. I am sorry.



Bluebird26 posted 5/21/2013 05:25 AM

Your poor daughters. You've done a great job though Mom, she can she him for who he really is. I know it hurts for you and for her though.

Wow. This is some of the same shit my 14 year old goes through with his father, some of it word for word. God, these Narcs are such assholes.

exactly that for my 14 year old too.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/21/2013 07:23 AM

Thank you all! Your support is amazing. Even 5 years out from divorce this stuff is still crazy-making.

It is so weird because it can throw me into self doubt...again.

But seeing his words in writing and experiencing your reactions to it is very grounding and healing.

Thank you so much!!

newlysingle posted 5/21/2013 10:09 AM

OMG, my stomach is just churning after reading that. Your poor daughter. I agree that she is a very smart, poised young lady and does realize this is about him, not her. What an awful position he has put her in. He really just doesn't get it. I love the way he refuses to answer her questions and just keeps bringing up other stuff. What a creep.

I'm so afraid that this will be my kids' future with STBX as well. He feels that his "happiness" with OW comes before all. He truly thinks that the kids will grow up to be happy for him leaving me and will understand that he had to do it for his own "happiness".

cryingdaily posted 5/21/2013 13:36 PM

Wow. Poor girl, but I see a strong woman in the making.

He kept trying to deflect, blameshift and manipulate the conversation but she never once fell for it and engaged in that.

Smart girl.

woundedby2 posted 5/21/2013 14:30 PM

(((Chrysalis and DD)))

That is so dizzying to read. I think your DD handled it very well.

What a tool he is!

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