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Divorce/Separation :
the boomerang relationship - passive agressiveness

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 inconnu (original poster member #24518) posted at 9:17 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2013

I was looking for something else entirely and came across this article I had printed out several years ago after someone posted the link here on SI. With some of the recent posts in this forum, the timing seems apropos. Here's the link http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Maybe it'll help someone now as much as it helped me before.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6341843
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PurpleRose ( member #33129) posted at 11:10 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2013

Very interesting!

The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance.

Eye opening.

He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.

divorced the Dooosh 8/13
*****************************
Dance like nobody is watching,
Text and email like it will be used in court someday...

posts: 3871   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2011   ·   location: Happyville
id 6341933
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 12:37 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

For as much reading as I've done on P/A, NPD, personality disorders in general, sociopaths, etc., I am still getting new insights into my relationship with XWH. Amazing! Thanks for posting this!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6341983
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Sue1964 ( member #37057) posted at 2:21 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Wow I read this and so spot on.

posts: 287   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2012   ·   location: Uk
id 6342065
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Softcentre ( member #39166) posted at 6:43 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Yup here too.

Me: BW
Him: XWH
2 Children

Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning

posts: 1629   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: UK
id 6342236
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newlysingle ( member #38735) posted at 7:04 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Wow, that is definitely STBX. This was spot on.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

posts: 1273   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6342248
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Softcentre ( member #39166) posted at 8:17 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Does that mean that most of us are probably co-dependant too?

Me: BW
Him: XWH
2 Children

Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning

posts: 1629   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: UK
id 6342264
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dmari ( member #37215) posted at 9:28 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Wow!! Thank you!! Very insightful! I haven't even read the whole article yet but I am impressed so far!

posts: 2868   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2012
id 6342273
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SBB ( member #35229) posted at 10:08 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Yes. Wow indeed.

That article describes the 'good' years in the M once the rush of new luurve faded 2 years into it.

A decade wasted. How sad. I cannot believe I lived like that for so long.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6342275
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Bluebird26 ( member #36445) posted at 10:43 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

TFS, pretty much described my whole adult life so far with my xwh.

Me: BW

Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.

Life's good.

posts: 1530   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6342284
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areyoukidding ( member #30528) posted at 8:02 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Holy doodle! It's like the author wrote my STBX's biography. It made me flash back a little...enough to remind me how glad I am that the POS is out of my life!!!

One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can't change.

posts: 823   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Canada
id 6342461
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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 11:17 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

Yep, that's Perv to a T!

Also, he likes to not talk about things that bother him if it helps anybody...he will stew on things and keep them inside and then when he can handle no more, BAM!!! That's the PA part.

The combo of PA/NPD are stunning and I will say, beware.

One clue I have now is if a person doesn't bicker/argue...and I mean a not terrible bicker, but inserting their opinions from the beginning.

And, if you're with someone who always lets the other person have their way and says nothing, don't let this happen. I promise. It will bite back, over time, if it's a PA/NPD person.

Well, I went down the list of people in his gynormous family and my smaller one and made a list of the couples. It's terribly interestin to be able to pinpoint the NPD's and CoD's. Amazingly, everyone of the siblings is the Narc in that family...but none of them know it! They just know they can't function together and get along!

And the divorce/unmarried rates are phenomenal too.

Good post, thanks.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6342736
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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 11:29 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013

P.S. If more than one NPD/PA person try to make things work, I haven't found any instances in any relationship I know where they last long-term if there isn't someone willing to be a doormat. But I do know there are exceptions to every rule. And sorry for generalizing.

I also have found that the people who try to be the doormats or give in all the time eventually burst, as well. I think it can only be done for so long, like anything else?

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6342747
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tesla ( member #34697) posted at 12:52 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'

Weeeellllll...fuck. That sums up my ten years with ex-shat.

I'm so happy that I don't have to deal with that person anymore...ok, almost don't have to deal with him anymore. At least now I can hire a lawyer to deal with his P-A ass.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

posts: 5066   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012
id 6342840
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