"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Williesmom posted 5/19/2013 20:15 PM

I have been seeing someone for a few months. Last night, he said "you don't open up much, do you?"

I know this, and I've been trying very hard to be more open to the idea of some kind of relationship.

It's just very difficult when you realize that I poured my heart out to my wxh, and he told mow everything. It was the ultimate betrayal in so many ways.

I don't want to penalize new guy for my wxh's transgressions, and I'm a naturally reserved person. I can just tell that this man is perplexed by my fear. OTOH, I am very thankful to have found such a kind and thoughtful man that is willing to wait for me to open up to him.

This shit is not for the faint of heart.

Kajem posted 5/19/2013 20:48 PM

It isn't.

Remember trust is earned.... with time he will earn you opening up. That's my belief anyway.

Hugs,

K

gma56 posted 5/19/2013 20:53 PM

This shit is not for the faint of heart.

Amen to this !!

I know anyone interested in me needs to have patience (tons of it) because giving my heart over to someone again makes all my insecurities that were amplified by infidelity come to surface again. I hate all the demons FT left me. I've worked on most of them but to actually put the tools I've learned in use is scary.

and he told mow everything. It was the ultimate betrayal in so many ways.

YES ! FT used everything he knew after 27 yrs against me. He knew what buttons to push and my weaknesses.
It's hard for us to open ourselves again but what kind of life will we have if we don't try ? I see a lonely and scared old woman for myself.

Hugs Williesmom and you have company.
Gma

Williesmom posted 5/19/2013 20:58 PM

I to just so hard. And he's a counselor at his job, so he sees through my evasiveness.

This is the first person I've dated that cares enough to sit back and wait for me to come to him. It's terrifying, actually.

FaithFool posted 5/19/2013 21:06 PM

I can only imagine... ((WM))

wildbananas posted 5/20/2013 00:04 AM

This is the first person I've dated that cares enough to sit back and wait for me to come to him. It's terrifying, actually.

It's nice to know that's out there.

I find it hard to open up, too. After so many years of being told you're wrong or always do things wrong... it's hard to imagine how it can be different.

He sounds like a good one, Williesmom.

Helen of Troy posted 5/20/2013 07:20 AM

Have you asked him for more time? That's not an unreasonable request. So far from what you write about him here,he sounds like a good man. If he is, he will respect you and wait until you're ready.

Williesmom posted 5/20/2013 12:14 PM

He hasn't really pressured me for anything, or asked for any type of commitment.

It's just really strange to have someone be this "into" me and get the general awesomeness that is me.

Williesmom posted 5/20/2013 12:22 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Williesmom at 12:28 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

Helen of Troy posted 5/20/2013 13:51 PM

Wm~I meant asking for more time to open up.

Williesmom posted 5/20/2013 18:13 PM

Yeah, I knew that's what you meant. His comment was more like just an observation, not really asking for anything in particular.

He's noticed that I tend to move the conversation into lighter areas when things get too intense. Obviously a coping mechanism.

tesla posted 5/20/2013 19:11 PM

((((wm))))

I'm going to have that problem someday as well.

Amazonia posted 5/20/2013 20:27 PM

Are there some things you are more comfortable opening up about than others? Would it help ease into things if you directed the conversation to "safer" topics that still aren't totally surface? Kind of maintain control in that way, like a more managed system of opening up?

Williesmom posted 5/20/2013 20:36 PM

AMA, yes we have talked about some of those "safer" topics. They inevitably end up moving toward the topics that make me cry. So, I abruply move the topics elsewhere. Maybe if I were just less abrupt...

I feel bad, because I have had a
relatively charmed life, while what I know of his has been challenging, to say the least.

My largest issue is self worth. How to saw that without looking like a whiner, or looking like I'm fishing for validation?

hexed posted 5/20/2013 20:48 PM

This will sound really trite and I don't mean it that way.... say what you mean and feel...exactly that.

"my biggest issue is with self worth". Go from there.

What specific harm came from what your XWH share with the OW? You came out the other side of that. It sucks. I hate that my X shares w/OW but you know what? so what! what I shared was real. Yeah it stings but they can't do anything with the info.

If you share with the new guy and it doesn't work out what happens? Your world won't stop. People won't think less of you b/c you have feelings and you shared them. You will be OK even if you share. even if it doesn't work out in the long run w/the new guy.

Amazonia posted 5/21/2013 08:08 AM

"I really struggle with self worth, and that's hard because it can't come from you, and I'm not looking for it to come from you - but I'm still healing, and it's difficult to talk to anyone about the places in my life where I struggle."

Williesmom posted 5/21/2013 09:25 AM

oooohhh, Ama - you're gooood.

Thanks!

Amazonia posted 5/21/2013 09:58 AM

And then tell him, "Don't worry, I will never doubt my awesomeness"

Confused1829 posted 5/21/2013 12:08 PM

Amazonia - good response!!

Williesmom - it is hard. But ya know what, people are right, trust is earned. It takes a looooonnng time to feel comfortable opening up with someone again. I find the old motto 'fake it til you make it' works wonders! Not that you're 'faking it' necessarily, but the fact that you're TRYING to open up in spite of all that has happened to you, even though you aren't 100% comfortable doing so yet, is a really good thing.

It may seem like it's taking a long time, and ya know what? That's ok. I struggle with this too, a lot. I was always reserved as well so the infidelity (like all of us) really really messed me up. It already takes me a while to open up to someone so to be hurt the one time that I do, in such a profound way, nearly broke me. So I get where you are coming from.

But it's ok. Baby steps. It's a process. And truthfully, I think anyone that has the patience to wait with someone like us that has been hurt, has got to be a good person. That's such an endearing quality. It's one of the many blessings that we should count in the process :) You're weeding out the good people from the bad, the good people will stay on the journey with you.

Good luck girl, one day at a time. You're doing great!

Bebba1171 posted 5/21/2013 23:10 PM

Williesmom,

I think you are just wonderful.

You have been very kind to me, and I just love your Corgis!