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A meltdown out of left field...blah

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FaithFool posted 5/19/2013 21:16 PM

So I made a point of getting out of the house today because the sun came out and I needed to try riding my bike to conquer the last bits of dizziness.

Wound up riding by the house we shared with my mum for 10 years. She's been gone 2.5 years.

Went to a bench on the waterfront and had a chat with the grief waves.

Spring is hard because this time six years ago she broke the first hip and life as we knew it came to a grinding halt.

I see her in every garden tending to her roses.

Went and had some lunch, enjoyed the rest of the ride and came home for tea before going out to the park to see the view.

Discovered a tea house I never knew existed. Started crying again because she would have loved to go there for lunch and we never went.

Sat on a bench and realized she is all around and I do believe that. But for some reason today it's Ativan time.

I know it's all tangled up with the marriage I thought we had the whole ten years we were with her, and that makes it extra hard to unravel....

I know I'll get there.

Thanks for listening.

Williesmom posted 5/19/2013 21:18 PM

((Ff)). She is there with you.

inconnu posted 5/19/2013 21:20 PM

(((FF)))

FaithFool posted 5/19/2013 21:29 PM

Thanks for the hugs.

Going to watch a dumb movie and suck my thumb now...

persevere posted 5/19/2013 21:30 PM

(((FF)))). I agree with w
WM - she is there with you. Thinking of you tonight Faith.

FaithFool posted 5/19/2013 22:07 PM

Thanks persevere. Love you guys.

Ativan is working. This too shall pass.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:08 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Helen of Troy posted 5/20/2013 07:33 AM

It will be ok and it's ok to miss loved ones.

gahurts posted 5/20/2013 08:30 AM

Hope today is a better day FF.

FaithFool posted 5/20/2013 11:53 AM

Thanks everyone. Took some melatonin and had a great sleep.

Thinking about Susan Anderson in Journey from Abandonment to Healing when she writes about the outer bands of the storm and how they can come along randomly when we think everything is fine.

This one was a gale made worse by a high tide and maybe a solar flare thrown in.

Gone now.

Sun is out and I'm going to start tidying up around here, reorganize some boxes, make room for the day bed that's coming next week.

Condo progress will mean the rest of my stuff coming (yay! Couch!) so I will be able to start settling a bit.

I think the last few weeks of limbo , being sick and not having my mind occupied by schoolwork just opened the door to let the grief out.

I'm sure there's always more heavy weather ahead, but we survive...

Onward.

nowiknow23 posted 5/20/2013 17:08 PM

FaithFool posted 5/20/2013 20:36 PM

Today was a MUCH better day.

Ordered the day bed for my living room. Getting delivered on Saturday, so I can start putting the place together.

Another bike ride, downtown this time. Lunch outside a Chinese place where two of my favourite local guys were playing gypsy swing guitars.

Then some retail therapy at Valu Village. Desperately need some new duds.

Rode home via the healthy grocery and picked up stuff for the week.

Home now and ready for an early evening.

At least I got some exercise in.

NaiveAgain posted 5/20/2013 21:47 PM

Glad you are doing better. I hate the unexpected meltdowns....and I'm sorry about your mom. (((FF)))

SBB posted 5/20/2013 22:10 PM

I hope to be the kind of mum that my girls miss half as much as this when I'm gone.

((FaithFool))

FaithFool posted 5/20/2013 22:20 PM

Moms are special. Mine was UBER special.

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