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FaithFool (original poster member #20150) posted at 3:16 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
So I made a point of getting out of the house today because the sun came out and I needed to try riding my bike to conquer the last bits of dizziness.
Wound up riding by the house we shared with my mum for 10 years. She's been gone 2.5 years.
Went to a bench on the waterfront and had a chat with the grief waves.
Spring is hard because this time six years ago she broke the first hip and life as we knew it came to a grinding halt.
I see her in every garden tending to her roses.
Went and had some lunch, enjoyed the rest of the ride and came home for tea before going out to the park to see the view.
Discovered a tea house I never knew existed. Started crying again because she would have loved to go there for lunch and we never went.
Sat on a bench and realized she is all around and I do believe that. But for some reason today it's Ativan time.
I know it's all tangled up with the marriage I thought we had the whole ten years we were with her, and that makes it extra hard to unravel....
I know I'll get there.
Thanks for listening.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 3:18 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
((Ff)). She is there with you.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 3:20 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
FaithFool (original poster member #20150) posted at 3:29 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
Thanks for the hugs.
Going to watch a dumb movie and suck my thumb now...
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
persevere ( member #31468) posted at 3:30 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
(((FF)))). I agree with w
WM - she is there with you. Thinking of you tonight Faith.
DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.
FaithFool (original poster member #20150) posted at 4:07 AM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
Thanks persevere. Love you guys. 
Ativan is working. This too shall pass.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:08 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Helen of Troy ( member #26419) posted at 1:33 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
It will be ok and it's ok to miss loved ones.
gahurts ( member #33699) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
Hope today is a better day FF.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
FaithFool (original poster member #20150) posted at 5:53 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
Thanks everyone. Took some melatonin and had a great sleep.
Thinking about Susan Anderson in Journey from Abandonment to Healing when she writes about the outer bands of the storm and how they can come along randomly when we think everything is fine.
This one was a gale made worse by a high tide and maybe a solar flare thrown in.
Gone now.
Sun is out and I'm going to start tidying up around here, reorganize some boxes, make room for the day bed that's coming next week.
Condo progress will mean the rest of my stuff coming (yay! Couch!) so I will be able to start settling a bit.
I think the last few weeks of limbo , being sick and not having my mind occupied by schoolwork just opened the door to let the grief out.
I'm sure there's always more heavy weather ahead, but we survive...
Onward.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2013
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
FaithFool (original poster member #20150) posted at 2:36 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013
Today was a MUCH better day.
Ordered the day bed for my living room. Getting delivered on Saturday, so I can start putting the place together.
Another bike ride, downtown this time. Lunch outside a Chinese place where two of my favourite local guys were playing gypsy swing guitars.
Then some retail therapy at Valu Village. Desperately need some new duds.
Rode home via the healthy grocery and picked up stuff for the week.
Home now and ready for an early evening.
At least I got some exercise in.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
NaiveAgain ( member #20849) posted at 3:47 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013
Glad you are doing better. I hate the unexpected meltdowns....and I'm sorry about your mom. (((FF)))
Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.
SBB ( member #35229) posted at 4:10 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013
I hope to be the kind of mum that my girls miss half as much as this when I'm gone.
((FaithFool))
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
FaithFool (original poster member #20150) posted at 4:20 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013
Moms are special. Mine was UBER special.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
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