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256shute posted 5/19/2013 22:08 PM

I'm not sure exactly what my husband is/was up to yet. I have a very bad feeling along with many unanswered questions. I haven't confronted him yet to ask any of these questions because we are not speaking at all and he is living in the basement - his standard response to tension. This is because i told him that i knew that there is more to the story he gave me. He said not to talk to him until im ready to apologize for accusing him of something he didnt do. Plus i am trying to get some information on anything else that i may need to know before all hell breaks loose. He will continue to lie and i am prepared to go and speak to all involved who may know something. He will not like that at all but i feel as though i have no other choice. It's been a long and difficult road with him. We've been together nearly 25 years and married for 18. We always had problems communicating but since we had our two children things have gotten worse. He isn't emotionally available and has absolutely no interest in me with the exception of making sure that I get the kids to their sports practices and games. The kids are completely overscheduled leaving litte time for us as a couple. Our physical relationship has been non-existent as he completely shuts me out. I was usually the initiator years ago but rejection hurt me so much that i backed off. Then, over the past two years, he decides to continue coaching one of the kids' teams which they no longer play for. That is a seven month commitment each year and he 100% knew how much i was against it. Interestingly, many of the kids on the team's mothers are very attractive and think that he is wonderful and knowledgabe and funny and blah blah blah. both of my kids play sports year round and i have never had direct communication with a coach unless it was an emergency. A few of these women call and text him to a point where i think it's inappropriate. Which brings us to the part of this long story that pushed me over the edge. The night after the last game of the season he went to dinner with the kids and parents. Told me he'd be home @ 9:00. I went to bed and woke up at 1:45 and he wasn't home yet. I looked at my phone and saw that at 12:15 he texted me to say "leaving now". A minute or two later he came walking through the door. He apologized for being late - which he never does - and told me that a bunch of parents and kids were hanging in the parking lot for 2 hours (35 degrees outside) and then he gave a woman a ride home on his way home - her husband and kids had left earlier but she wanted to stay and hang out. Someone else was going to drive her but he volunteered because it was a little closer for him. I knew he was full of it so a few weeks went by and i decided to look at his cell phone records for that night. Very enlightening since there were calls from another one of the mothers after 11:00 and then at 1145 he talked to her for 15 minutes. By that time i could tell that he was far away from the town where the restaurant because of the cell towers used for each call. Then there were no calls for over an hour and then looks like another missed call from the same mother that he talked to earlier. He then called her back and they talked for a few minutes with the call ending just as he got home at 1:45. There is also another mother that texted him a couple of times after 11:00 that night and there is another mother who was at a party the follwing weekend and my husband was there and for some reason his friend thought it would be funny to take a picture of them talking quietly in the corner at this party and email it to my husband with the subject line "blackmail" and the email said "getting ready to send this to your old lady". I'm glad i checked his email. So at this point i feel that something is going on but honestly have no idea who with. Could be any one of these women. One more thing - the night of the dinner when he told me that he offered to drive one of the women so another woman didnt have to - the woman that he helped by driving the other one home is his biggest "fan" and also one of the women that i know best. The next morning he texted her at 9 AM. To me that's the text to ask someone to go along with your story if it's ever asked to cover your ass. I don't think i'm being paraniod here. Sorry so long!!! Any thoughts?

ArkLaMiss posted 5/19/2013 22:15 PM

Honey, you know what's going on. I'm so very sorry. You don't deserve this kind of disrespect. What are you willing to live with? Sorry, but it stops when you say it does.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/19/2013 22:26 PM

I commented on your other thread; didn't notice it was a duplicate.

I don't think you are wrong. Go with your gut feeling. Most WS will place the blame on the BS because it takes the guilt off of them. Don't let him do that to you. You've got a lot of info to absorb right now and that will take a while. You do what YOU need to do in order to process the information and decide how to proceed. Like I've been told in the's about YOU now, not HIM!!!!

I'm sorry you have had to find this site but let me tell ya, everyone on here is great! There is a lot of advice and support.

Please take care of YOU! It's the worst thing to have to go through.


2yrs+recovering posted 5/20/2013 13:51 PM

I put it together with FWH phone records.

Phone calls to or from a number....long period between then another phone call same number.

Period between they are together. Phone call after saying goodnight.

Get phone records for as far back as you can. Download to your computer. It helped me to print out and highlight the questionable #s and then I saw the pattern.

Cell towers told the rest of the story.

Sorry for this.

absolut posted 5/20/2013 14:26 PM

Your husband is cheating on you.
Kick him out of the basement and let him find a new place to stay.

tushnurse posted 5/20/2013 15:06 PM

WElcome, and sorry.
You will find many wonderful people with great advice here.
Please know that anything we tell you is because we have been there done that, and can see things as an outsider much more clearly than you can with your crushed heart. read in the healing library up on left side or your screen.

First of all he is placing the blame on you?!?! This is a HUGE Red Flag. He is not being honest, and trying to make you feel like you are wrong, this is a classic method of controlling the BS.

You my friend need to get your ducks in a row, and find out what he is up to. Don't confront, let him sulk in the basement. You know you did nothing wrong. This has nothing to do with you, and this is a hard one to accept, all of us asked the what if's early on. Nothing you had done differently would have made him behave differently. I would ask that "friend" of his that sent the pic what he knows, sounds like he may know a lot. I would get phone records, I would borrow a friends car, and follow him when he is out and about/coaching. Something is up, and you need to find out what.

In the meantime think about what you want. to continue an already struggling marriage? to try to R? if you want to R what are your ground rules. If not then what are you going to do?

Even if you have no intention of separating or Divorcing, sometimes it still happens. See an attorney sooner than later, find out what your rights are and what to expect should he end up wanting to D.

Keep coming here, posting, asking questions, and letting us support you.

Many many hugs and strength.

256shute posted 5/20/2013 20:08 PM

Thanks to all of you for your comments and support. He is agitated and trying to engage me in arguments but i won't take the bait. I am going to lay low for a while, see if anything else comes to light, and try to gather my thoughts.
I believe it will be difficult to find any more evidence. He is done coaching for the season so i don't have a way to try to see if he is up to anything before/after games or practices. He also has a company cell phone that he has been using more frequently lately (he is probably guessing that i may have noticed something on our cell phone bill) and i have no access to those records.

I asked him to leave but he says he will not turn his life upside down because of a false accusation. I worry about the kids and the dysfunctional marriage that they have been observing.

His friend that took the picture of him talking with one of the mothers would NEVER talk. I am starting to think that i may have to confront at least one if not many of the mothers from the team to find out what happened and with whom. I am pissed!

This is such a great site with so many wonderful and caring people. I am fortunate to have found it.

Jada52 posted 5/20/2013 20:13 PM

I agree with the others go with your gut. Something is not right about his story.

OT - how do you guys find out what towers the calls were from?

2yrs+recovering posted 5/21/2013 07:47 AM

At least on Verizon the towers show on the bill!

tushnurse posted 5/21/2013 08:30 AM

Shute, you are doing the right things.
Just because the season is over does not mean his inappropriate behavior will end. I would recommend getting a Keylogger on any home device he uses, laptop, Ipad etc. This will let you know if he is communicating with these moms. In addition get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and hide it in his car. If he is on the phone with any of them you will get the whole conversation from his side. This can be very damning evidence.

Again I urge you to go see a lawyer immediately find out what your rights are. Knowledge is power.

He is certainly trying to shift to blame to you, which to me ='s guilt. My H was such a bastard to me when he was in his A it was unreal. I was a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad housekeeper, a bad whatever. He just kept beating me down (verbally). It was horrible. I actually felt relief when I had proof. It vindicated me, it made me know that it was him not me that was crazy.

((((and strength )))))

sailorgirl posted 5/21/2013 08:45 AM

I'm so sorry, Shute! This sucks. My husband was emotionally abusive to me while he was in his affair and it was awful. Confusing, scary, heartbreaking. Read about the 180 in the healing library. Detaching from him was so good for me.

As for figuring out exactly what he's hiding, I wouldn't ask the team mom's unless you already have a relationship with any of them. Otherwise, they'll just alert him and gossip. He's probably gave the the impression that you are a cold-hearted b*tch (classic WS lies).

I would second the VAR--possibly also in the basement if he talks on the phone down there.

Both my husband and I coach soccer teams. It is a ton of work, and we'd never do it if our kids didn't play on these teams. Your gut is right. Your husband is messed up in some way and trying to escape or compensate for his shortcomings by cheating.

((Shute)). Take good care of yourself and spend one on one special time with each of your kids. 180 his unfaithful ass!

hopefulmother posted 5/23/2013 13:07 PM

If you have the money, get a PI to follow him. Just because the season ended, doesn't mean the A will.

Only talk to a mother that doesn't call him a lot. It sounds like he is having A's with multiple mother's. Go to that mother with tears in your eyes and begging her to tell you if there are any rumors (only if you know her somewhat). Sometimes, friends know-but are afraid to butt into other's relationships.

Do the VAR. Do it soon. Start 180 now. Look at the phone record. Get the proof.

256shute posted 5/23/2013 18:10 PM

I will start with some surveillance. I have been doing the 180 and have ignored his petty attempts to make me angry but it's been tough.

I am afraid that if it was a one time thing it will be difficult to uncover. I am having a very hard time waiting to find out some answers. He definitely has many traits of someone with NPD and passive aggressive behavior and it is hard living in the same house even though he's in the basement. He is also very smart and to be honest I'm surprised he used his personal cell phone that night and not his work phone. He must not have had it with him.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know I have a long, shitty road ahead of me that will probably not end well and just wish I could work through things quickly.

I feel like at some point I am going to talk to the mom who he was talking to on the phone off and on the first night that I got suspicious - when he was talking to her @ midnight and again at 1:30 and was probably with her in between. Seems like a safe bet that something was going on there. Maybe if she doesn't want to tell me anything I can let her know that I am more than happy to check with her husband to see what he thinks. I know him as well.

I feel like a psycho but I deserve answers. Thanks to everyone for the support. As mad as I am and as sick of him as I am it still hurts like hell as I'm sure you all understand

pewpewpew posted 5/23/2013 18:16 PM

I went through something similar.
Had the phone records to prove my suspicions but never had the info to prove.

My advice- call the spouses BS and talk with him. Do not tell your husband nor call her. He may have suspicions as well.

Also before doing this - get a VAR. ASAP. Buy 2 and plant one in the basement, the other in the car.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/23/2013 22:16 PM

Just to reiterate what someone already said, your husband has probably lied and lied about you to these moms, and the whole team actually, so I don't know how much info you are going to get from them.. My husband lied to so many of our friends, my family, my cousin especially, and I couldn't believe what was coming out after we separated. Before D-Day, he actually told some of them that I knew about the affair already, but not to talk to me about it because I didn't want anyone to know. It's just crazy the lies they tell!

I second the VAR, two of them actually, one in his car and one in his basement.

But you mention you think he might be P/A or NPD. That alone is reason enough to divorce if you ask me. I'm almost glad I found out he cheated since it finally gave me that last push I needed to get away from that toxic environment. You really deserve better than someone who treats you so horribly. You are way ahead of the game with just the fact that you recognize it and don't allow him to manipulate you. You seem very strong.

Good luck to you. Big hugs..

mainlyinpain posted 5/23/2013 22:59 PM

Get a VAR! Put it in his car and basement. This will give you irrefutable evidence like nothing else. If you can, hire a PI. They are very understanding of these situations. But really, the VAR is your best, quickest, cheapest, bet. I should know, after three days I heard him with her. Get it today! Also, get a lawyer ASAP to know what you will be dealing with. Protect yourself, because he is not protecting you. So sorry for what you are going through. Wish I could put the recorder in there right now! I got one from office store, learned how to make it voice activated, put it in a little cosmetic case that I snipped a corner off of where the microphone was. Put a few tissues in it to make it less noticeable if felt and also to protect buttons. Worked great. I put it in the glove/console right next to driver. Act now to get as much info as possible, you will be happy(?) you did later.

(((Hugs))) to you and strength

256shute posted 5/30/2013 11:09 AM

I have put a VAR in the basement and haven't heard anything suspicious at all. I haven't been able to get one in his car - he has a company car for work and since he doesn't put it in the garage it is always parked in the driveway or the street and is locked.

He is now pushing me to make a decision of whether or not to divorce because he's sick of living in the basement and he says the kids are asking him what's going on (they haven't asked me but my oldest is definitely unhappy lately). It breaks my heart that the kids are upset - not so much about the basement

I certainly don't want to keep the kids living in this dysfunctional mess but am not ready to make a decision on the marriage yet. He is sticking to his bullshit story about his whereabouts the night in question and I have not told him that his cell phone records clearly show that he was lying. So he is calling my "bluff" and rushing me to either apologize to him about all my accusations or plan on divorcing and he'll move out within two weeks. Also, apparently I have hurt him deeply throughout this whole mess by not believing him and turning his whole world upside down over nothing. Seriously??

I feel like I am becoming weaker as time goes by and am worried about confronting any of the possible OW or their spouses. Their children are all friends with mine and the last thing I want is for my kids to find out any of this.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Jrazz posted 5/30/2013 11:18 AM

He is now pushing me to make a decision of whether or not to divorce

That sounds pretty cold. IF he was truly blindsided by these "false" accusations you'd think he'd be more distressed... more humble some how. I think that if a spouse is saying "Well, just divorce me, then." maybe it is time to get the paperwork together.

You have some proof, and like your title said he is at the very least disrespecting you. If that's enough for you then that's all that matters. You don't have to prove to him that you busted him.


Skan posted 5/30/2013 13:26 PM

How about sending a message to the mom in the photo, heck, send her a copy of the photo, and say something to the effect that, I had you two followed. I have the report and you have one chance to come clean to me about the affair before I send everything to your husband? And BTW, you were not the only one on the "Team" playing tag with my WH.

That might get a quick response.

256shute posted 6/4/2013 21:16 PM

I'm so distraught. Haven'f found any more information from the VARs and he is still pressuring me to make decisions about the marriage. I am not comfortabe at this time with confronting any of the mothers in his "fan club" due to my kids' friendships with their kids. It's almost like he's toying with me. Quote from him to me "I told you we have nothing to talk about unless you apologize. You can chase that goal all you want, the truth has been told and I will not discuss it again. Two choices it's pretty simple. Other than that we are at our end my dear". The choices are apologize or start D. Obviously I have nothing to apologize for so that's not going to happen. BTW the fact that he called me dear at the end of his text is in NO WAY indicative of hiw he speaks to me normally. He is toying with me and I am not feeling like dealing with him right now. He is such an asshole.

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