I don't think you are wrong. Go with your gut feeling. Most WS will place the blame on the BS because it takes the guilt off of them. Don't let him do that to you. You've got a lot of info to absorb right now and that will take a while. You do what YOU need to do in order to process the information and decide how to proceed. Like I've been told in the past....it's about YOU now, not HIM!!!!
I'm sorry you have had to find this site but let me tell ya, everyone on here is great! There is a lot of advice and support.
Please take care of YOU! It's the worst thing to have to go through.
Phone calls to or from a number....long period between then another phone call same number.
Period between they are together. Phone call after saying goodnight.
Get phone records for as far back as you can. Download to your computer. It helped me to print out and highlight the questionable #s and then I saw the pattern.
Cell towers told the rest of the story.
Sorry for this.
First of all he is placing the blame on you?!?! This is a HUGE Red Flag. He is not being honest, and trying to make you feel like you are wrong, this is a classic method of controlling the BS.
You my friend need to get your ducks in a row, and find out what he is up to. Don't confront, let him sulk in the basement. You know you did nothing wrong. This has nothing to do with you, and this is a hard one to accept, all of us asked the what if's early on. Nothing you had done differently would have made him behave differently. I would ask that "friend" of his that sent the pic what he knows, sounds like he may know a lot. I would get phone records, I would borrow a friends car, and follow him when he is out and about/coaching. Something is up, and you need to find out what.
In the meantime think about what you want. to continue an already struggling marriage? to try to R? if you want to R what are your ground rules. If not then what are you going to do?
Even if you have no intention of separating or Divorcing, sometimes it still happens. See an attorney sooner than later, find out what your rights are and what to expect should he end up wanting to D.
Keep coming here, posting, asking questions, and letting us support you.
Many many hugs and strength.
I asked him to leave but he says he will not turn his life upside down because of a false accusation. I worry about the kids and the dysfunctional marriage that they have been observing.
His friend that took the picture of him talking with one of the mothers would NEVER talk. I am starting to think that i may have to confront at least one if not many of the mothers from the team to find out what happened and with whom. I am pissed!
This is such a great site with so many wonderful and caring people. I am fortunate to have found it.
OT - how do you guys find out what towers the calls were from?
Again I urge you to go see a lawyer immediately find out what your rights are. Knowledge is power.
He is certainly trying to shift to blame to you, which to me ='s guilt. My H was such a bastard to me when he was in his A it was unreal. I was a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad housekeeper, a bad whatever. He just kept beating me down (verbally). It was horrible. I actually felt relief when I had proof. It vindicated me, it made me know that it was him not me that was crazy.
((((and strength )))))
As for figuring out exactly what he's hiding, I wouldn't ask the team mom's unless you already have a relationship with any of them. Otherwise, they'll just alert him and gossip. He's probably gave the the impression that you are a cold-hearted b*tch (classic WS lies).
I would second the VAR--possibly also in the basement if he talks on the phone down there.
Both my husband and I coach soccer teams. It is a ton of work, and we'd never do it if our kids didn't play on these teams. Your gut is right. Your husband is messed up in some way and trying to escape or compensate for his shortcomings by cheating.
((Shute)). Take good care of yourself and spend one on one special time with each of your kids. 180 his unfaithful ass!
Only talk to a mother that doesn't call him a lot. It sounds like he is having A's with multiple mother's. Go to that mother with tears in your eyes and begging her to tell you if there are any rumors (only if you know her somewhat). Sometimes, friends know-but are afraid to butt into other's relationships.
Do the VAR. Do it soon. Start 180 now. Look at the phone record. Get the proof.
I am afraid that if it was a one time thing it will be difficult to uncover. I am having a very hard time waiting to find out some answers. He definitely has many traits of someone with NPD and passive aggressive behavior and it is hard living in the same house even though he's in the basement. He is also very smart and to be honest I'm surprised he used his personal cell phone that night and not his work phone. He must not have had it with him.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know I have a long, shitty road ahead of me that will probably not end well and just wish I could work through things quickly.
I feel like at some point I am going to talk to the mom who he was talking to on the phone off and on the first night that I got suspicious - when he was talking to her @ midnight and again at 1:30 and was probably with her in between. Seems like a safe bet that something was going on there. Maybe if she doesn't want to tell me anything I can let her know that I am more than happy to check with her husband to see what he thinks. I know him as well.
I feel like a psycho but I deserve answers. Thanks to everyone for the support. As mad as I am and as sick of him as I am it still hurts like hell as I'm sure you all understand
My advice- call the spouses BS and talk with him. Do not tell your husband nor call her. He may have suspicions as well.
Also before doing this - get a VAR. ASAP. Buy 2 and plant one in the basement, the other in the car.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me twice, now what?!?!
I second the VAR, two of them actually, one in his car and one in his basement.
But you mention you think he might be P/A or NPD. That alone is reason enough to divorce if you ask me. I'm almost glad I found out he cheated since it finally gave me that last push I needed to get away from that toxic environment. You really deserve better than someone who treats you so horribly. You are way ahead of the game with just the fact that you recognize it and don't allow him to manipulate you. You seem very strong.
Good luck to you. Big hugs..
(((Hugs))) to you and strength
He is now pushing me to make a decision of whether or not to divorce because he's sick of living in the basement and he says the kids are asking him what's going on (they haven't asked me but my oldest is definitely unhappy lately). It breaks my heart that the kids are upset - not so much about the basement
I certainly don't want to keep the kids living in this dysfunctional mess but am not ready to make a decision on the marriage yet. He is sticking to his bullshit story about his whereabouts the night in question and I have not told him that his cell phone records clearly show that he was lying. So he is calling my "bluff" and rushing me to either apologize to him about all my accusations or plan on divorcing and he'll move out within two weeks. Also, apparently I have hurt him deeply throughout this whole mess by not believing him and turning his whole world upside down over nothing. Seriously??
I feel like I am becoming weaker as time goes by and am worried about confronting any of the possible OW or their spouses. Their children are all friends with mine and the last thing I want is for my kids to find out any of this.
I don't know what to do anymore.
He is now pushing me to make a decision of whether or not to divorce
That sounds pretty cold. IF he was truly blindsided by these "false" accusations you'd think he'd be more distressed... more humble some how. I think that if a spouse is saying "Well, just divorce me, then." maybe it is time to get the paperwork together.
You have some proof, and like your title said he is at the very least disrespecting you. If that's enough for you then that's all that matters. You don't have to prove to him that you busted him.
That might get a quick response.
D-Day, June 10, 2012