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I need closure

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sparklingwater posted 5/20/2013 03:16 AM

In the space of 2 months, my (now)xSO had a bad motorbike accident, spent a month in hospital, I found out about his online antics, and he has now moved back home with his family 800kms away and we are no longer together (I felt I had no options but to end "us").

I am reeling from all of this and in shock. He refused to speak much about what he was doing online (and I didn't press too much because of his mental health problems and as he was still recovering from the motorbike accident).

All I know is that he was on multiple sex hook up sites, and had advertised for sex with women, men or couples. He was also on web cam sites and fling finder sites and had talked to/initiated contact with, many people. He says he never met anyone in person, and I think this is true from the emails I have seen, and also he used to just pretty much just go to work and come straight home.

I am struggling to understand why he did this. I thought we were happy. He said it was boredom and just wanting to see people's reactions and was a bit of an addiction for him. He got angry if I pushed for more details.

I ended the relationship. I have no children with him and i'm not married to him, so I didn't want to spend the next x amount of years not trusting him and checking up on him. Problem is I am missing him big time and grieving the loss of him. I still can't stop crying and feel I have had no closure and no real questions answered from him. We are only in very infrequent contact on email.

Any suggestions on how to get closure without it being from him? I guess I should look into getting some IC? Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

[This message edited by sparklingwater at 3:17 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

crazynot posted 5/20/2013 04:51 AM

This is hard, heartbreaking stuff. And the reality is that only you can provide the closure you seek. You weren't married and there are no kids, so the only 'stuff' left behind is in your emotions. All the stuff they talk about here - detaching, focussing on you, however false it seems to begin with - it will work in time. Just 'fake it till you make it' - try to keep to a routine, divert yourself from thoughts of him. This too will pass.

SBB posted 5/20/2013 06:22 AM

^^Ditto x1M.

You miss the idea of him - the man you thought you were with. It is a part of the grieving process. It passes - someday soon the BS fog will lift and you'll see a whole lot more clearly.

Right now there's only pain in that fog. I remember it well. Once I had some distance and some time to reconnect with myself I realised just how disconnected I had become. My last ditch effort to 'save' my M was to become numb. I was numb for 5 long years.

He is showing who he is hun - believe him.

His pissweak explanation is right out of the cheaters handbook. It is most likely untrue - if it is true then it was purely circumstance that stopped him having a PA. Not his fidelity. His fidelity packed its bags and left the building when he started cruising those sites.

((sparklingwater)) I envy you your chance for a clean break like this. It doesn't make it hurt any less right now - but it will hurt less later and for a shorter amount of time.

Once you see him you cannot un-see him. You'll see him soon enough.

sparklingwater posted 5/20/2013 06:54 AM

Thanks guys, your responses help a lot.

crazynot posted 5/20/2013 07:01 AM

It is so hard though... the pain is almost physical, we understand. I DO recommend a good IC for heartbreak,though. Mine told me some life-changing stuff, and helped me break destructive patterns in my life. One of them was that 'you have to feel emotions, but you don't have to act on them'... particularly helpful when you're trying to stop yourself texting, leaving phone messages, begging him to come back (I did all of that x10000 and it's SO destructive to your peace of mind). Allow yourself to cry when you need to, do as much exercise as you can (the endorphins really help) and see friends as often as possible. Keep as busy as is feasible too. Keep posting if you feel bad too xxxx

sparklingwater posted 5/21/2013 07:38 AM

Thanks CN.

I've decided to do something for myself and booked a week holiday in Bali. Feel like I need a break for myself, get pampered with massages and enjoy the sunshine. I'm hoping I come home happy and relaxed. I have this niggling doubt I might be huddling in my room crying and lonely but I am determined to at least get out and about and shop, swim etc.

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