Sometimes life gives you lemons but i have gold spray paint.
If you haven't done so yet, check out the Healing Library (link in yellow box, upper left) - start with FAQs if nothing else catches your eye.
This is a big trauma. It ends your life as you know it, but it doesn't end your life, and you have all the facilities of your mind and body that you had before D-Day, so know that you can heal and thrive.
Since you want to R, keep thinking in terms of 3 healings: 1) you heal yourself; 2) your W heals herself; 3) together you heal your M.
Also, take all time pressure off - think in terms of the long term - 2-5 years assuming no new hurts. It gets better as time goes on, but the pain is generally immense, and it takes time to work out of your body and head.
Let yourself feel the pain. Cry if you feel tears coming. Bottling up the feelings slows down healing. IC may help.
Think about your requirements for R, and let your W know what they are.
If you have questions, post here. There's a lot of wisdom here, and trust yourself to pick the wisdom you can use. (That is, a lot of paths lead to healing, and you'll get posts from advocates for each path, so you'll have to figure out which tactics will work for you.)
If you need support, post here - if you ask for support, you'll get it, and my bet is that you've had to wait so long for a response today because of system problems.
Keep posting here. You have friends here that care because we've gone thru it as well.
There's a lot more pain ahead with or without your wife. The message I'm trying to convey is, please give yourself time before making any decisions.
You don't have to decide anything now. I'm only three months from d-day and I'm still fighting the urge to make a quick decision. Waiting is the right thing to do. Also, it's important to have a support system, but people who have not been through an A don't know what it's like. It's easy to say, "leave her" when you don't have history together.
The first two months were unbearable. Sometime late in the third month the pain started to change to a deep sadness as opposed to feeling like I had shards of glass inside me keeping me up at night.
The best thing I've done has been sign up for IC and MC. It's important that your WW also sign up for IC. This is very important for you to even have a chance at R.
You didn't deserve to be here, but you're here. I read somewhere that only the combination of time and work can get us through this. Time alone won't do it.
I think you want so bad to have an answer ( I know I did and still do!), either leaving or staying. Only you can make that list of pros and cons to the M you have. It still kills me. Daily. Even today. I think how in the world could he do that to me, the mother of his beautiful children?
Big crying hug for you, man. "Everyone else" is NOT you...Like other SI users, you may lose friends and family because of this. Do what's best for you and your kids. I know it sounds lame, but TRY to eat, sleep, and shower. Those great little people need you...
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:19 PM, May 20th (Monday)]
(((codiath))) I'm sorry you are here. We all felt the same in the early days, it's purely survival in the beginning.
Like others have said, take your time to decide what YOU want.
I'm planning on relocating with her, my kids and inlaws. I have my doubts about it being g a good idea. My support system will be gone as I'm isolating myself with hers. I need help I'm in a fork in the road without a map.
I'm concerned that you will be moving away from your support network and into her back yard. Does her family know what happened? Are they supporters of you or her or the marriage? Generally blood is thicker than marriage in this situation and I'm concerned you wouldn't get the support you need to heal.
Why are you moving? As one who moved far from family, friends and support in the years before the A began, I really wish that I were surrounded by family and friends. Given our living situation, it isn't even easy to separate temporarily. I have considered separation or leaving, but it is such a big step given where we live and how. Think this move through. Can it be put on hold? Why do it? Do you trust your wife's motives? Was it planned before the A?
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 1:07 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
[This message edited by BrokenT at 5:13 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]