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codiath posted 5/20/2013 06:43 AM

I wake up next to her and my day starts out great. As the day goes on I'm OK. As night comes with the silence I begin to think about the past. The past kills me. I was told "I love you" while she was cheating. She tells me now and I have a hard time believing her. She says she's sorry but I believe its guilt. I'm an emotional wreck. I used to love rollercoasters this is one I could live without. I'm planning on relocating with her, my kids and inlaws. I have my doubts about it being g a good idea. My support system will be gone as I'm isolating myself with hers. I need help I'm in a fork in the road without a map. I'm looking so SI for help. Everybody else I talk to tells me to leave. I can be a good father without being with their mother. Please I'm desperate. I'm bawling like a prepubescent girl.

sisoon posted 5/20/2013 14:23 PM

Sorry you're here, but given your sitch, I'm glad you found us.

If you haven't done so yet, check out the Healing Library (link in yellow box, upper left) - start with FAQs if nothing else catches your eye.

This is a big trauma. It ends your life as you know it, but it doesn't end your life, and you have all the facilities of your mind and body that you had before D-Day, so know that you can heal and thrive.

Since you want to R, keep thinking in terms of 3 healings: 1) you heal yourself; 2) your W heals herself; 3) together you heal your M.

Also, take all time pressure off - think in terms of the long term - 2-5 years assuming no new hurts. It gets better as time goes on, but the pain is generally immense, and it takes time to work out of your body and head.

Let yourself feel the pain. Cry if you feel tears coming. Bottling up the feelings slows down healing. IC may help.

Think about your requirements for R, and let your W know what they are.

If you have questions, post here. There's a lot of wisdom here, and trust yourself to pick the wisdom you can use. (That is, a lot of paths lead to healing, and you'll get posts from advocates for each path, so you'll have to figure out which tactics will work for you.)

If you need support, post here - if you ask for support, you'll get it, and my bet is that you've had to wait so long for a response today because of system problems.

2married2quit posted 5/20/2013 14:35 PM

Your DDay is only a month out. I feel your pain my friend. I really do. Hugs...

Keep posting here. You have friends here that care because we've gone thru it as well.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/20/2013 15:05 PM

You won't like hearing this I certainly didn't after one month but you're still in the early days.

There's a lot more pain ahead with or without your wife. The message I'm trying to convey is, please give yourself time before making any decisions.

You don't have to decide anything now. I'm only three months from d-day and I'm still fighting the urge to make a quick decision. Waiting is the right thing to do. Also, it's important to have a support system, but people who have not been through an A don't know what it's like. It's easy to say, "leave her" when you don't have history together.

The first two months were unbearable. Sometime late in the third month the pain started to change to a deep sadness as opposed to feeling like I had shards of glass inside me keeping me up at night.

The best thing I've done has been sign up for IC and MC. It's important that your WW also sign up for IC. This is very important for you to even have a chance at R.

You didn't deserve to be here, but you're here. I read somewhere that only the combination of time and work can get us through this. Time alone won't do it.

Stay strong.

libertyrocks posted 5/20/2013 16:17 PM

I'm 6 months out and a month from last DDay. Yes, yes, and yes, I go back and forth every day, sometimes all day. Usually, days start out good for me too. Then, the anger starts brewing. The shock will will piss you off, the pain will depress you. It's ok. You have to feel it to leave it.

I think you want so bad to have an answer ( I know I did and still do!), either leaving or staying. Only you can make that list of pros and cons to the M you have. It still kills me. Daily. Even today. I think how in the world could he do that to me, the mother of his beautiful children?

Big crying hug for you, man. "Everyone else" is NOT you...Like other SI users, you may lose friends and family because of this. Do what's best for you and your kids. I know it sounds lame, but TRY to eat, sleep, and shower. Those great little people need you...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:19 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

2married2quit posted 5/20/2013 16:54 PM

I'm 11 months out and somedays I want to leave.

crazyblindsided posted 5/20/2013 18:06 PM

14 months out and still struggle and want to leave half the time

(((codiath))) I'm sorry you are here. We all felt the same in the early days, it's purely survival in the beginning.

Like others have said, take your time to decide what YOU want.

codiath posted 5/20/2013 22:07 PM

Gosh, I love you people. Thank you all so much for helping me to feel somewhat normal,and giving me hope. I wish I had an easy button. If I did I would share. I've had the same song on repeat all day. Brantley Gilbert- you don't know her like I do. Lately I've turned to music sometimes it makes it worse. OK that's a little off topic. Again thank you all so much.

5454real posted 5/21/2013 00:52 AM

Sorry you're in need of us brother, but I'm glad you're here.

I'm planning on relocating with her, my kids and inlaws. I have my doubts about it being g a good idea. My support system will be gone as I'm isolating myself with hers. I need help I'm in a fork in the road without a map.

Can I ask why? Is this something that was planned prior to D-Day? Generally around here we recommend not making any big changes in your life for 6 months to a year. Let your emotions settle a little so you can look a little more logically at the consequences/benefits with a clearer eye.

I'm concerned that you will be moving away from your support network and into her back yard. Does her family know what happened? Are they supporters of you or her or the marriage? Generally blood is thicker than marriage in this situation and I'm concerned you wouldn't get the support you need to heal.

Strength

OnAnIsland posted 5/21/2013 01:06 AM

I am 18 months out and I still don't know if I should leave or stay. Give yourself time. Take Care of yourself.

Why are you moving? As one who moved far from family, friends and support in the years before the A began, I really wish that I were surrounded by family and friends. Given our living situation, it isn't even easy to separate temporarily. I have considered separation or leaving, but it is such a big step given where we live and how. Think this move through. Can it be put on hold? Why do it? Do you trust your wife's motives? Was it planned before the A?

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 1:07 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

codiath posted 5/22/2013 04:02 AM

Were moving a few states away. This move was talked about before I discovered the A's. Her mothers job is relocating her. Her mother cares for her grandmother that is wheelchair bound. My W is able to transfer to the same place and keep her job. So we are moving to help her mother with her grandmother. There are a lot more job opportunities there for me and we could use a change. Where I'm at now I have no family only a couple friends. So I'm not loosing too much. Shortly after we met we relocated to her hometown and I missed my family so we moved after 5 years to somewhere in the middle. It was a compromise. The only member of her family that knows is her mother. Her mom has always tried to justify what she did at least the way I see it. She does support our marriage though and has told me no matter what happens she would be there for me.

BrokenT posted 5/22/2013 05:12 AM

Same post sorry I hit submit twice

[This message edited by BrokenT at 5:13 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

BrokenT posted 5/22/2013 05:12 AM

It's been a really long time for me. Two years and I'm still hurting and doubting and wondering whether to stay or leave. I don't even know what's normal and what's not in terms of feelings during R... But I see people working out their Rs pretty well...

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