We are in R.
Also, I keep reading about putting obsessive thought on something tangible - like a piece of paper. Apparently, our minds has a way of focussing less on obsessive thoughts once they are in a perm place, or once we make them an object.
So make that place a piece of paper - instead of your brain. You can even destroy the paper after you write it. Again, you have made it an "object" and you are taking matters into your own hands by destroying it.
This is a hard road. I wish you well.
[This message edited by LA44 at 2:51 PM, May 20th (Monday)]
I read all my WH's deleted texts and saw similar as well as bashing me and planning their trysts, talking about trysts. I can't unread ANY of it. It will always be a part of me. How can a person forget that?
I am 14 months out of this mess and all I can tell you that has helped me with my obsessive thoughts is time, discussing these thoughts in IC, discussing them here at SI and with friends. I also am on medication that has stopped a lot of that cycling in the brain.
There is nothing that I found that takes away the hurt and pain associated with the words. I will never be the same. I will never see my WH the same.
Just keep telling yourself this has nothing to do with you whatsoever!!! They're just very sick and broken people!!! What they're doing isn't reality- it's fantasyland!! There's no way that they could live and co-habitate in the real world! As soon as one crisis came up- they'd turn to someone else who'd think that their crape don't be stinking!!!
Hugs to you!!! You're in my prayers!!
I know that this has been a long ongoing problem for you, you have written about it before.
Do you feel in your heart that she meant these things?
I ask because I had a few roadblocks myself with Hlessons, and I had to decide if I really felt that he felt that way about her, or if that was his stupidity at that point in time. It took some time for me.
It was three chat's he sent to the ow on Christmas day 2011. For us Christmas has always been about love and family! I'll never-ever feel the same way about Christmas again!!!
His last chat after I went to bed and he was picking up toys.
"In twelve hours you'll be taking him to the airport (husband #3) and I'll be counting down the time until we can be together! I love you so much!!! I hope this feeling never ends!! I can't wait to hug and kiss you until you beg me to stop! Maybe next year we can be in Disneyland!"
Of course- this hurts me to know end!!! But I know- it's all fantasyland!!! And that's what I tell myself! Do I actually believe that he wants to be her husband #4?!? Not by a long shot!! They're just sick and twisted!!!!
Keep your chin up!! I know it hurts like hell!!!!
Do you feel that way, sort of? Like it was a transfer of her loyalty, and it is that part of her that you can't quite trust or get past?
ETA: Thank you for your kind words. I am hoping that the two of you can find your way back to each other.
[This message edited by tired girl at 7:49 PM, May 20th (Monday)]
She reached out to her AP, he blew her off. she found out her AP had over 20 different affairs over the past 5 yrs. What is she to do? R, thats what she did.
I can tell you, Hlessons did something on DD that for me, I viewed it as a transfer of loyalty, from me to her. In that moment, all feelings of love left me. It has taken a year of his hard work and my hard work for that to start to come back.
Hit the nail on the head for me on this one...wow thank you! This is why I get stuck and feel I cannot go forward with R. My WHs loyalties were with MOW up until our last DDay.
Being as you are a madhatter, and the two of you literally found out about each other's affairs like the same day, I want to see if you can step back for just a second.
Your wife, found out that, not only was her AP not the person who she thought he was, and almost 100% of the time that is the case, but neither were you. She has had to deal with a double whammy, and she has remained steadfast in her remorse to you throughout.
You mentioned in your last post that you were upset about her not being able to trust you, were you a trustworthy H? Turns out you weren't were you? Neither was the affair partner, but sometimes when we carry this much anger, some of it really is directed back at ourselves.
I think you are a little bit pissed off that she could be taken in by an asshole like your best friend, but dude look in the mirror, you were right along side him doing the same thing. I know this is hard to hear.
When I went and did what I did, I was full of rage, and for a long time I was convinced it was all directed at Hlessons because of how he had been in our M, and I had a right to do what I did. Turns out, the one I was pissed at all along was me.
Make sure the anger you have with this is being pointed in the right direction.
Don't be afraid to look in the mirror at your own actions, only through that will you ever be able to truly heal yourself.
My WH, at the time of the affair, was 5' 11" ~ 280lbs ~ balding ~ and less than attractive.
Words spoken by MOW to my WH:
1) "You are cute"
2)"You are so hot and sexy" (to a blind person maybe)
3) "It's you that I want" (as she planned a fishing excursion with another MOM)
4) "Yes, you're bigger than the men in the porn movie I watched last night" (NOT!)
She said what my WH wanted to hear. In turn he would feed these ego stroking compliments back at her.
I refer to it as "fishing"~ when my WH told her she was "hot" he was looking for her to tell him how amazingly good looking and wonderful he was.
It hurts to know that your WS spoke those words but try to remember that they are just that: empty words spoken while delusional in a fantasy world.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
She not left with fond memories and unfulfilled wishes; she knows he is a liar and insincere person who cannot be trusted, not the dream lover she thought he was. So the affair is revealed as a joke, a nightmare. This makes reconciliation a lot easier and I believe your WW is making a determined effort to rebuild.
So the "I will love you forever" may have been sincere at the time she said it, now its just a considerable embarrassment to her. If she could unsay those words she definitely would. The phrase was spoken to a OM who does not exist and never did; as I said, an illusion.
The issue I would struggle with the most is the fact she had an affair with your best friend and in doing so destroyed two relationships not just your marriage. Hard to forgive such treachery.
Read this, if you haven't yet:
Men are able to approach sex more casually than women, a factor not only of the patriarchal double standard but also of the difference between having genitals on the outside and having them on the inside. Getting laid for all the wrong reasons is a lot less dangerous than falling in love with all the wrong people.
Men who get caught screwing around are more likely to be honest about the sex than women. Men will confess the full sexual details, even if they are vague about the emotions. Women on the other hand will confess to total consuming love and suicidal desire to die with some man, while insisting no sex ever took place. I would believe that if I'd ever seen a man describe the affair as so consumingly intense from the waist up and so chaste from the waist down. I assume these women are lying to me about what they know they did or did not do, while I assume that the men really are honest about the genital ups and downs—and honestly confused about the emotional ones.
Reading this helped me understand that what I did was not unique, and it wasn't about the AP. The "emotional connection" I felt with him wasn't real.
Look, I had zero emotional investment either, I picked the biggest douchebag I could find because I knew there would be no emotional ties that way. Just how I am built, sounds like you are the same way. My H on the other hand , needs that emotional relationship, it is how he is built. Sucks, but there it is. If I want to make a life with him, I have to find a way around it.
There is no OSFA affair, or means of healing from one. Recognizing that my A followed a pattern, and wasn't just "unique and special," was a major wake-up call.