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lost4now posted 5/20/2013 09:41 AM

My STBXH and I are processing through our divorce. I have suffered thru him cheating on me with the same MOW for five years. I finally asked him to leave and to give me a divorce. He moved out and got an apartment on Jan 6th. He has continued to see this woman.

I began talking by telephone to the MOW husband. We became fast friends over the phone. We began talking and texting daily. He wanted to meet me and I agreed. He does not live close. He had to get a hotel room. I did not tell anyone that I was meeting him or talking to him for that matter. Including my two teenage daughters. On the meet up day I left work early to allow enough time to go for drinks with this man but still be home on time for my daughters. My STBXH became aware of the meet up (his MOW had access to her husband's email and I believe she saw his hotel confirmation email). My STBXH called my work looking for me. When he discovered I was not there he followed me!!!! He knew where this man was staying!!!! He took photos of me walking into the hotel to pick this man up. We went for two drinks. I dropped him back off. My STBXH reported all of this to my 15 year old daughter!!!! WTF???????

Can he do this to me??????

confused615 posted 5/20/2013 13:51 PM

He's trying to make it look like you're having an affair.

calgon54 posted 5/20/2013 13:52 PM

Can he? He obviously does what he wants - he cheated. FWIW I don't think this is the time to be doing anything that would give him any ammo. IMHO.

Mousse242 posted 5/20/2013 14:10 PM

Talk to your attorney, NOW. By him involving your 15 year old in this it will not look good to a judge or anyone else for that matter. You may also be able to get him on parental alienation and some other stuff due to the fact your kid is only 15.

Ashland13 posted 5/20/2013 20:29 PM

Oohh, I'm sooo sorry! I think I understand your thoughts behind not telling anyone what you were doing, but I would have considered it.

Like, I have one person I tell everything too, especially right now, who is a relative and no chance Perv will get to the information. I wish you had a similar source so that there was back-up for you somehow...I don't know if that will make sense to anyone.

I'm sorriest for your child, it's so darn awful for them, isn't it? I work so hard to not involve DD and I wish everyone would, but I know feelings and emotions make us do things we may not normally. No excuse though.

That bit strikes me as some possible revenge on his part, hurting you through your children when there isn't much else to do it with. Perv does that, FWIW.

It's a terribly difficult process because I think we don't even realize that during D process, we are under a microscope, but I believe that we are. You know, people ask me if I am going to look for dates and I just don't see it right now...in part from being pregnant and in part from the crap that Perv would throw at me if he learned of it.

I wrote some of my stuff just to say I think some things are in common and I also wish you well.

I hope that MOW can be an ally but not get you in anymore trouble, somehow.

It seems to be a semi-chronic phenomenon where people who cheat oftentimes will accuse us of things they are actually doing. FWIW, this has been done to me and was absolutely stunning.

Peace to you.

Coraline posted 5/21/2013 07:19 AM

Apparently it's not that uncommon. My STBX's atty said he didn't think my atty understood "the nature of the relationship" btwn OW'S BH and me. Erm, what relationship? We talked as much as we needed to, to figure out what was going on. That's it.

I think, l4n, that it would be easy to bond with someone under circumstances like this, but I also think you ought to be careful about that. You two are both going through something very traumatic together, even though physically you're separated, and that can really draw people close, but it's not necessarily a good idea, you know? You might not have anything else in common, and is your last partners' affair really the sort of thing you want to build a new relationship on? And maybe that's not what you're doing at all, but I just thought I'd throw it out there, because I can see how it could happen.

SBB posted 5/21/2013 07:46 AM

You can't control their fuckery but you can control how much you let it impact you.

What a massive loser. I'm so sorry your DD has this POS for a father.

They only have a few buttons to push. IMO the lower the act the more desperate they are becoming because its getting harder to push your buttons.

This is amongst the lowest of the low. I mean, seriously - show your dick some respect dude.

Unless you are in a fault state he has no legal reason to be doing this. He is just harassing you - perhaps a call to the police might be in order.

I'd also pursue to parental alienation route any way that you can. This shit is not on and is unbelievably damaging to her.

You tell your daughter that what you do is none of his business and that you are sad that he feels the need to drag her into this. Talk to her about how it makes her feel and reassure her that if she has any questions she is welcome to ask them.

The hard part here is she is also not entitled to know your every movement.

Can I ask in what context she told you what he said - was she accusing you of something or merely reporting it? ie: does she believe that something is going on? Does she think his behaviour is weird here?

IMO it is too soon to even contemplate another relationship - even if that is happening it does not change the fact that him involving your 15 year old is hideous and so very wrong.

lost4now posted 5/21/2013 09:01 AM

I agree that the timing for a relationship may be all wrong and I am pretty level headed about this kind of thing. I do really like this guy and under different circumstances would consider dating him. And that may in fact happen with him in the future.

I have been suffering in a bad marriage under awful circumstances for five years. I have wasted some good years of my life here. I do really want some happiness in my life and while I realize I am not yet divorced, I do want to move on with my life. I have wanted to for well over a good year and half now.

My children are processing through this horrible mess, we are selling our house and will be finding something smaller and I know they are not ready for me to be dating anyone, much less this man. This is why I kept our meet up a secret.

I do have a lot in common with him and once my divorce is final I may just decide to date him. I hope that isn't too weird?!