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Uneek posted 5/20/2013 14:33 PM

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this or is experiencing it currently.

I don't really know how I feel toward H right now. I don't hate him, that I know. But I definitely don't feel the same kind of love I used to. I feel kind of detached, I guess.

I mentioned this in IC and she thinks it's a coping or defense mechanism. If I'm not vulnerable, he can't hurt me again. Which makes sense. But then my question is, how do I get back to that? I don't WANT to be detached and void of feeling toward him!

sisoon posted 5/20/2013 14:45 PM

This soon after D-Day, your best bet is to feel and deal with your own feelings and ignore your H's. Oh, if he asks for support and you have some energy to spare, OK, but you need to take care of yourself first right now.

(((Uneek)))

cali1002 posted 5/20/2013 14:50 PM

I have similar feelings. I found out some stuff about a year ago. I have gone through every emotion. We are trying to work through it but it is very difficult. I don't hate him, but am very angry at what he did. I have been very detached as I try to process what is truth and what is lies. At the same time, if we are trying to reconcile, I'm trying to get along with him. It all feels very flat. We don't joke and play like we used to, sometimes we still have sexual contact, but there is a lack of intimacy and love.

We mostly avoid talking about it, but I am at a point where there are some things i need to tell him about what this did to our marriage. There are also a couple of relationships that he had with other women that he has continually insisted were not sexual, but I am still unsure. Of the two infidelities I do know of, one he said was just kissing, the other he was trying to come on to a co-worker, told her repeated times he was attracted to her and wanted to have sex with her. She denied his advances and sued him for harassment.

Where we are is not healthy. We need to renew our love for each other or just separate. Of course, having a 10 and 12 year old doesn't make it easy for me to just leave, and we have a very complicated work and home life. I do love him, but this whole thing has put quite the strain on us.

2married2quit posted 5/20/2013 14:51 PM

I know the feeling. But he's gonna have to make some serious deposits to your love bank after this. You can love him but acting upon it, but this will happen with time.

Uneek posted 5/20/2013 15:18 PM

sisoon, it's really nothing to do with his feelings. I have no idea what he's feeling right now. I know that he's been working on FOO stuff in counseling - which is good, that has been needing to happen for a long time - and he shares with me when he's frustrated with work or whatever, but there's no expectation from either of us that I will do anything about it or whatever. On the flipside, I do expect that when i share with him trouble that I am having in respect to the A that he will do what he can to fix it.

The idea of the love bank is really resonating with me. I don't think he's making enough deposits, or the right kind of deposits, or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too impatient and thinking we should be farther along than we are. Sometimes I feel like I'm staying because it's easier than leaving.

[This message edited by Uneek at 3:19 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

2married2quit posted 5/20/2013 16:07 PM

I think if you take too long feeling like this, it is not good for the relationship. Resentment can destroy your love for him. In the long run, this is not good.