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Newest Member: Itali614 (61544)

User Topic: Where to start
♀ 39223
Member # 39223
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH told me after he confessed that he didn't want a divorce that he would do everything and anything I asked of him to prove to me he loved me and that he was sorry for what he had done. He said he wanted to make our marriage work. I didn't know what to think then but so far he has done everything. He went NC and has kept it up, he started IC and has been going once a week every week since then. He also started going to group counseling once a week. I asked him for a time line and didn't give a due date he had it for me the next day. I see changes in him everyday and its scary and great at the same time.
I know it hasn't been that long since DD but I feel I have forgiven him. I know it is the only way to help us move forward in this process. I don't trust him yet but I have decided to not let his decision to cheat hurt me anymore. I love him still and I want to get our lives and marriage back better then it has ever been.
My question is what are some ways that you guys have found help build trust. In your experience what are something's my WH can do and things I can do to bring us back together. Other than MC we start next week. thank you for any ideas

BW-me (26)
WH 27
Married 5yr together 8yr
DDay 4/24/2013
DS 3
DD 1

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm no professional counselor but I'd say go to the healing library. Dday was very soon. He sounds like the typical male. They always go back to the wife. And although he sounds legit and is doing the right things, it is still too soon. Furthermore, the circumstances surrounding the A are still there too.

You need to give yourself time to heal and to process what happened. Maybe you're still in shock. I "forgave" my wife the day I found out. Shock? Fear? IDK. The thing is that I truly forgave her 9 months later.

Building trust depends on him. All of it.

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: divorced.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad news: almost 2.5 years out, I don't trust that my W really will follow through with R, and our MC indicates that makes sense, even though she thinks my W is totally committed to our M. Our MC seems to think I'll come to trust her after more time passes.

Good news: I trust her pretty far, and I remain committed to R. I'm pretty well convinced she'll never cheat again. The main thing she's done to show her commitment is to answer my questions when I ask them, and she doesn't spin things to reduce her responsibility. In MC and in conversations with me, she accepts confrontations and doesn't get defensive.

She also arranges dates. Having fun together helps strengthen the M bonds.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:22 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16812 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other than the obvious--transparency, non-defensiveness, giving you all passwords, counseling, etc--it really just takes TIME. Every day can be a building block in trust, every little thing.

You are going to be going up and down on the rollercoaster; one day you will be hopeful and the next you will be in despair. He will get frustrated at the slow pace of healing, 'cause this takes years. But if you both keep talking and keep working at it, it will get better.

You will never have 100 percent trust, because you now live in a world where he can cheat on you. But you definitely can get to a place where you believe he's a better bet trust-wise than another guy.

It sounds like you have a promising start.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 4

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