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2 steps back??

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libertyrocks posted 5/20/2013 15:18 PM

Every time I "ask questions" about the many OW of the last 3 years of my life, he has a hard time answering me and says he would rather discuss it in MC, where they could help us use the right tools so I won't get upset. I don't think he has what it takes to do this R thing with me. Everytime I express myself, it turns into an argument.

We have more good days than bad. I just think he's not owning up to his stuff. Says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore or give fuel to my anger.

I think I need anger management or something. It's still really hard to cry for some reason...

If year 2 is worse, I'm out knowing I gave it a shot. C'mon, man, 8 OW in 3 years?!?!?! While first child a newborn up until second child. Then, I had to bust him...He says he thought we were doomed...

I feel like I've taken 2 steps back.

PinkJeepLady posted 5/20/2013 15:40 PM

Sorry it's so hard. Sigh.....
I can give you my opinion on talking about it in MC. He might think you will be less mad in front of someone? Is there a "tool" that will help someone who has been betrayed less "upset"??? LOL! Order me one!
Personally, I want to ask and get answers in private. At first I asked a million questions and now it's once in awhile. I sometimes write down my questions and then after awhile make sure I really want to know the answer. If I do, I pick a time when we are alone. It took awhile for my WH to understand my need for information. Our MC doesn't go over details, she helps us figure out how to deal with surviving.
Anyway, that's just what works for us.
I hope he is facing the FACT that infidelity is upsetting, I mean REALLY upsetting. Of course there are excellent tools to help deal with it, but it's not a pleasant journey no matter what!
Take care!

confused615 posted 5/20/2013 15:46 PM

He doesn't get to decide what you need to know. YOU do. If you ask,he answers.

What happens when you ask questions in MC? Does he answer? Does the MC help you get your questions answered?

libertyrocks posted 5/20/2013 16:12 PM

hahaha pinkjeeplady

Is there a "tool" that will help someone who has been betrayed less "upset"??? LOL! Order me one!

I like the idea of writing questions down and thinking it over before I ask.

He normally answers just fine, but I noticed he's getting scared to answer. That just makes me suspect more TT.

Yes, MC great and yes he does answer there. Guess, we need to keep going every week.

sri624 posted 5/20/2013 16:18 PM

i know how you feel.....i will say that i seem to express myself better in our weekly mc. we seem to go round and round when we try to talk about this on our own. we need a professional to help guide us through this.

i feel like i am takijng 2 steps back all the you are not alone.

my husband is a recovering alcoholic as well.

sad12008 posted 5/20/2013 16:23 PM

Your tag line says you got 'full disclosure on 4/16/13'; however, do you feel you really did? The questions you have, are they as a result of processing what you've already heard, or do you feel you got the outline of a full disclosure without the full details? Just trying to get a sense of the situation. (I did read your profile.)

If he gave you a pretty detailed full disclosure and your questions are a result of processing, then I know you want an answer NOW. Fortunately, in my case, my FWH was pretty good about handling the seemingly out of the blue A trivia questions. So if you're not getting the same without it escalating, it has to be very frustrating.

If, however, you feel you got the Cliff Notes version of a full disclosure, perhaps something more is needed. In our case, my FWH wrote out a chronological narrative of his secret history, a method recommended by his IC. This gave time for one memory to bring out another memory etc. until the story was pretty much complete. We scheduled a double MC session at which he read it to me. After this, questions would come up, and I'd ask them as they did. The MCs did suggest (after a period of time) that we set aside a time each week to discuss questions or other A-related stuff so as to keep it confined. Sounds good in theory but I could never do it.

I doubt you need anger management. You have plenty to be angry about!! I wasn't angry, and had no anger issues. RAGE, on the other hand...that was a problem. I highly recommend exercise as an avenue to reduce the furious energy.

You deserve to know what was really going on in your life and it's your H's duty to fill in the blanks. He needs to understand that he made conscious choices that caused extreme hurt, damage, and anger. If he wants you to continue to try and R, he needs to now choose to brave the fire he set and deal with the emotions his previous selfish choices spawned.

Best of luck. R is not often a course of steady improvement. The best analogy I've is that it's more like the game, 'Chutes & Ladders'. Yup.

Edited to add a few words; sorry if it's choppy, I can't seem to write & edit myself at the same time when others are in the room (which seems pretty often, since my desk's in the LR!).

[This message edited by sad12008 at 4:41 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

1Faith posted 5/20/2013 16:39 PM

Lovely Liberty

Hi dear.

At some point the two of you will have to face the tough stuff without the MC. Maybe not now but at some point.

H needs to learn to communicate with you without the MC as a crutch.

TT = not wanting to tell you I vs that will hurt you AND save themselves from the reality and response from the BS.

Even if you've taken two steps back - ask yourself how many you've taken forward. If the net sum is still + then keep moving.

It is a process - a journey - no finish line.

Trust yourself and know we are all rooting for you.

libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 10:48 AM

Hi sad12008. We spent time in MC talking about how he's disclosed everything and MC suggests I BELIEVE him. Well, to me he's the boy that cried wolf, y'know. So, I have to believe him from now on. I'm not sure if I really "should" know the details. They will just torture me...

Hi Wonderful 1Faith!! :)We have A LOT more good days than bad ones.

It is a process - a journey - no finish line.

Thank you, I need to hear this!!! I do love him dearly and am thankful he is now sober. He says he's been waiting to become a man bc he didn't know how to do it.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/21/2013 12:28 PM

If my H would only answer questions once a week for an hour in MC, we wouldn't be together today. My pain was real, everyday, and I needed to get it out. My questions were valid, and I had them everyday, and I needed answers to process his affairs. So I asked questions whenever I felt the need to. Eventually, after getting the same answers, over and over and over, I stopped needing to ask those things. I knew the answers. I was THEN able to start asking myself "is this new question something that will make a difference, or is it just something that will hurt more if I get either a yes or no answer?". Which then allowed me to decide if I wanted to ask the question or not. But that only came after a year or so of always getting answers to the questions I asked.

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