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What are signs of false r?

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sri624 posted 5/20/2013 15:32 PM

after having gone through dday1...and thinking that we were really going to try and r...i discovered 9 months later that i was in false r...that whole "r" time. it broke my heart....into a million pieces.

but in looking back...i clearly now see HOW i was never in r. i wanted to be in r...but the actions on his part proved to me that he was full of crap....i see that now. i think we are in real r now....he is doing everything he was suppose to do the first time...

i am curious to see if your false r was similar to mine. i dont want to make the same mistake again....please share...here are my clues from false r....

1. he told me pointblank that i could not have access to his phone...or phone records especially. told me that was HIS dealbreaker. he was cold and mean about it too..and said it in front of our pastor in counseling...i should have bailed then....i was weak..not anymore though.

2. he still hung out with his loser friends...

3. shortly after dday1...he wanted to go to the bar with his friends and stay out until 3am. a remorseful husband does not do this....after cheating.

4. he went to a strip club with his brother while we were out of town on a family trip. i cant believe that i let him get away with that.

5. numbers were deleted on his call logs...all the time.

6. i discovered an inappropriate email to a woman. calling her "babe" this and "babe" that. when i asked both her and him about, he got pissed at me for looking at his email..and for asking this woman about the nature of their relationship...which she was quick to tell me what strictly platonic...and professional. i later learned on dday2 that she was in fact the ow2. they both worked together to "fool" me. lesson learned here is that he had no business talking to any woman...let alone calling her babe. i allowed him to feed me this crap...and have me thinking that i was embarrassing him on his job. truth is that he was sleeping with her.

7. he always got mad about my triggers....

8. he talked a good game...about wanting his family...but his actions could not back it up.

9. it just didnt feel right....there always seemed to be some drame in our marriage.

10. found another email to another woman asking to meet up with her...he said it was about business..but there is no reason for him to ever have any contact with someone he used to cheat with.

11. when we would fight during the false r..and it was all the time, he would end up leaving the house...never stayed to fight for the m...it was always about him.

12. he would say things like he "is in a prison."

13. fiercely loyal to his guy friends...and hanging out with them.


in looking back...i was clearly in false r. i wish i had been strong enough to see...but i wasnt. i was weak. not anymore though. i know my value and my worth. and was strong enough to put him out of this house until he decided to grow up once and for all. if he ever deviated from the advice i received in the healing library, he WILL be gone.

i can see he is a different person doing the hard work. i just wish he would have done this all in the beginning.

i do have to mention although it is not an excuse for cheating....not in my book. but what i learned on dday2 was that my husband was an alcoholic and coke addict. that his friends, going out..and "lifestyle" included substance abuse as well.

he has completed rehab...and we are on a positive path...but i was in false r...and i wanted to share what i wished i would not have missed.

what was your sign of false r?

RoadtoPeace posted 5/21/2013 11:49 AM

i feel like we have very similar experiences...my WH also had some mild ea and possible pa..

we had 3 years of false r before i found out he was back at it a few months back...and when i look at your list of signs of false r, it is all to familiar

off the bat, he refused to go to mc, he got upset when i brought up questions, and still went out to bars, and still was possessive over his phone..

i am currently deciding on whether to r or d...it is very difficult given the pattern of deception...but seeing some positive examples and signs of true r, as you indicated, give me some glimmer of hope

tabitha95 posted 5/21/2013 11:57 AM

My false R was different than yours...mainly because he was in a sort of R. He wasn't cheating at the time and seemed to have the intention of R...but a year or two later (I'm not sure of the time frame, and it didn't matter if it was years or hours, it was a deal breaker so I didn't need the details), he cheated again with the same MOW.

I guess some things that made him never truly in R in my mind

-rugsweeping
-angry, frustrated outburts
-didn't want to do date nights, etc...
-looked at me with a look that I would only be able to describe as guilt or pity, not love or even lust
-refusal for MC until he kicked down a door in front of DS and I put my foot completely down
-lack of compassion with my pain (physical and emotional)

Those are just some I can think of off the top of my head.

tushnurse posted 5/21/2013 12:42 PM

False R Red Flags:

Not being transparent - reluctant to share passwords, hiding phone, getting angry when you look at email or phone.

Anger at questions about the A. Frustration at being asked the "same things" being told to "just get over it".

Anger when they find out you are snooping. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Pouting when they have limited boundaries that are different post DDAy, i.e., cant go drinking with buddies, no strip clubs, etc.

Real R looks very different. They are ok with snooping, and get that when you find nothing, that helps to rebuild trust.
They are transparent, and tell you when they have to change a password, or when there is something questionable like the AP contacted them.
They work hard to help you heal from the damage they have caused.


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