So, I think I've reached a new stage/phase in my own personal healing associated with my WW's A (EA/PA/ALL-A). Note: We are 4 months into R, if that gives any perspective on what I'm about to mention below.
The mind movies stopped about 2 months ago for me, but prior to stopping, they were pretty bad (made me experience panic attacks, loss of appetite and nausea). Well, they seemed to have resurfaced over the last week or two, but in a very strange way. Also, my mind's way of 'dealing' with them is also seemingly bizarre. I'll explain!
The mind movies used to be very vivid recounts of my WW's wild romps with her AP (note: I never actually caught them banging. Instead, I just have the recounted details she has provided me). They were sickening and debilitating. And then they sort of just went away. For the last week or two, though, they have resurfaced. Though, strangely, they are very different. Instead of picturing her with her AP, I just see her with this amorphous figure (shadow-like, if you will?) that is indiscernible to me. And I no longer get nauseous and anxious. Instead, I feel very ambivalent, mentally, about the whole thing, the whole 'movie'. And here is why I think that is. My mind has started to place ME in those movies, alongside my WW and her OM..! Like in the same room, but in a bed with someone else! Almost like a hospital suite with multiple beds and curtains separating the beds. Most of the time, I'm not paired up with someone I know in reality - I can't even tell who it is.
It's so strange! It's like my mind is trying to treat both my WW and me as 'equals' in this horrible mess. Like we're both doing bad things to one another. It's very difficult to explain in writing (probably difficult in words, too!). I can't stop these new mind movies from happening. They just run their course for 3-5 minutes or so. But it's very bizarre! Let me also explicitly state that I've never cheated on anybody in my entire life, never thought of doing it, and in reality, feel sick to my stomach even thinking about doing that. Which makes these new mind movies even more perplexing (though not sickening in any way)!
Has anyone else experienced these types of mind movies as a function of healing, etc.? Any comments/advice/interpretations on these new mind movies?
Thanks in advance for any replies!
