He cheated 3 months after we started dating. He was away at a training for work and got drunk. He ended up sleeping with a girl who was also at this training. He does not remember doing this because when he gets too drunk he forgets everything that happened the night before. I know this to be true because I've seen it happen.
We are both confused about this child, he's never met her and she and her mother live 10 hours away from us so he may never get to meet this child. I'm not even sure if he wants to but if he does I'm not sure if I'm ok with that. I do know that I'm angry that his choices are taking money away from our family because he must pay child support on this child that he doesn't even remember conceiving (paternity tests proves it's his though). I think he should pay for her but I am angry because he shouldn't have created her. He was with me at the time and he claimed to love me then. How do you have a ONS when the woman you claim to love is waiting for you back home? I missed him so much and looked forward to the weekends that we had together and dreaded Sunday nights when he had to leave again.
I am so hurt and afraid because I never expected to have this kind of life. I don't want my marriage to be over but I don't feel like my husband is the same man anymore. I'm also hurting for my daughter who now has a half-sister when she should be an only child. I wanted her to have siblings but I wanted them to also be my children. I wanted to give my husband children, I wanted to be the ONLY one to do so. Since the day he found out this child was his he has vowed never to drink again. He gave what alcohol we had in the house to a friend of his (I don't drink).
I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him of this. I could have forgiven him if he hadn't conceived a child but this OC is a constant reminder of what he did. I want to forgive him but I am still hurting so much that I'm not sure right now.
DDay - May 9
"You are strong and brave." - My fortune shortly after DDay, the cookie knew just what to say.
I haven't got a lot of words of wisdom but my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. I pray for strength and clarity of mind.
My husband had an ONS, the saving grace was he had protection on (not that it excused what he did) and he can't have children anymore ( vasectomy 3 years ago.
I am thinking of you... and I hope your husband looks after you well during this difficult time. ANd I am glad that alcohol will never feature in his life anymore
HUGS to you..
It seems equally odd that she'd wait until AFTER the kid was born to drag him into court to force a DNA test on him and start the child support procedure rolling.
I mean, doesn't it seem odd that she disappeared for all this time and then suddenly reared her head out of the blue 2 years later?
I hate to say it, but I think there's a lot more to this story than he's letting on. And being honest, most people who are at the stage of 'black out drunk' aren't even able to walk, much less maintain an erection and peform the act of sex.
There's something more to this story. Guard your heart.
We also thought it was odd that she hadn't tried to contact him prior to this so he called the CS office. They told him (and I overheard the whole conversation) that she had been trying to contact him but only knew his name and occupation. With that they started their search but were going after the wrong person who had the same name.
I hate that they couldn't find the correct person first because who knows if I would still be with my husband. I doubt that I would but now I feel trapped and betrayed because the state was going after the wrong man.
I know I may sound naive but I choose to believe this story.
((Betrayed)) Thank you, I am very glad he is giving up alcohol. From the day we found out that this could be a possibility he said that if it was his he'd never drink again. I'm glad he's following through on his promise. He is also now working more hours at his second job to make up the lose of CS each month (I can check his work schedule to verify). Unfortunately, this means I'm home alone with our one month old a lot more then I'd like to be. Some days I feel like a single mom because he's at work all day.
((Ladyogilvy)) Thank you, I am only thinking of our baby girl during this time. I will do whatever I think is best for her and I've told him that.
It is absolutely devastating. I have insisted on NC with OW and contact with OC to be arranged through OWH ( who knew all along and doesn't seem to care that he is raising my Hs child as his own). I think you could insist on NC with OW and with OC. Is she married? Does her H know? Does she want financial support? I would say no finance without DNA test. I believe it is advisable for you to get your claim in first to protect your C. Have a look on the OC thread in the I can relate forum. There is a lot to read there, some helpful.
I don't understand how you have ONS with someone when you love someone else, but this site tells you we are not alone. That is the hardest part, as I (and you) thought everything was wonderful. Why do they do it? I am learning (see Healing Library) that it is very rarely to do with the BS or the relationship. It is something in them. In my case alcohol was also involved and I too think he can't have been that drunk as he wouldn't have maintained an erection. Your WH needs to focus on making you feel safe and secure and loved. He needs to work on why he did it and what boundaries he will set up with women in general, so that he never does it again. If he does worry on this for you and you C, then R might be possible, but he has got to work at it.
This is awful for you. I love my husband and apart from 10 stupid minutes everything is great. I am trying to get to the stage that I don't want those 10 minutes to ruin everything else we have. Too right, he (my H and your WH) was wrong to have the ONS, but OW has compounded the situation. She could have taken precautions in the first place, she could have taken the morning after pill, she could have had an abortion. Continuing with the pregnancy has compounded one stupid error. She chose to continue the pregnancy without reference to your WH. He has had no decision in anything that happened after the ONS. You can castigate him for the ONS, but she has continued the situation. She should not have continued with the pregnancy, if she can not afford to raise the child herself. She should not have had sex without taking precautions unless she was aiming to pregnant.
Try to separate out what has upset you about your WHs actions from the OC situation (very difficult). You have a plus in that he doesn't want to maintain contact with OC - my FWH is still working on that one, which upsets me.
If he definitely is the father, then he probably does have to support financially which is really tough. You need to ask him what he is going to do about that. No way should any of your personal money fund the OC. Will he take a second job? He can provide financially without having any physical contact. He needs to step up and show you that you are the most important woman in his life (and your child) and he is going to keep you safe.
Good luck, do wha they all say on here, take care of yourself, drink plenty of water, get our sleep (as much as you can with a newborn).
My niece and her fiancee found out 6 months before their wedding that he was the father of about 12 month old twin boys. He had a ONS about 20 months earlier with a friend of a friend. The woman he had the ONS with had a SO. They broke up a few months after the boys were born. She wanted child support, her SO fought her on it and the court made her get a paternity test.
Yeah, my nieces' fiancee was the father. My niece wasn't dating him at the time of the ONS, so he didn't cheat on her, and I don't think he was aware that the woman was living with a SO.
So, very possible scenario and I wouldn't dismiss your husband's story out of hand. The difference being is that he did cheat on you. So sorry. ((((byHisGrace)))
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
He does have to pay for this child but is working a second job (which he did have before) to pay for her. Although he already had the second job, he is working many more hours now then he did before so as to not take money away from our daughter and myself. The biggest problem I have with this is that by him working so much, he is taking time away from us. I love my husband deeply and don't want one mistake to lead to a divorce.
We talked last night and I think he wants NC with the OC. He has negative feelings towards her and her mother. He feels like he got used because of how drunk he was (I sincerely don't think he remembers having sex).
I also wonder if this other woman was trying to get pregnant. She is not married but has two other children (the things you can learn through social media). I don't know if these children have the same father or not but I know that the youngest is the only one that's his. I also know that she's in a relationship and we're both hoping/praying that she marries this guy and he wants to adopt the OC. My husband knows he can't be a father to the OC because of the distance and we both know that it would be best if she would get adopted by her mother's husband (when and if her mother marries). My husband is willing to sign his rights over if a man does want to adopt her but there has to be a man to do so before he can sign them over.
I pray so strongly that this happens because more then anything, I want my family back to the way it was. We were happy that way, now I'm just miserable.
My husband wants no contact with his daughter because he doesn't feel that it will be beneficial to either of them due to the distance. I'm both happy and sad about that. Is that normal? I'm happy because I think that it will make things worse between us if he does see her but I'm also sad because I don't understand how you could not want to see your own child. I guess since he hasn't ever met her, it's easier not to care. Maybe he doesn't even think of her as his daughter. It just makes me afraid that if I leave him will he do the same thing to our daughter.
Whenever I talk with him about this whole situation he always says that he couldn't afford two child supports and to live. I feel like he's more worried about having to pay child support to me and his ONS then he is about losing me and our daughter. He also told his grandmother that he would have to move back to NY which is 10 hrs away. He's already 10 hrs away from his other daughter and knows he won't be able to be involved in her life with that kind of distance. Why would he put that kind of distance between him and our daughter if I left? I still want him to be a father to her even if I can't live with him as a husband any longer.
I do believe that he hasn't done anything since we've been married and I believe that he doesn't remember doing this but it doesn't change the fact that either I didn't exist to him when he did it or that my feelings and our relationship didn't matter. I just wish I could get all of my questions answered. It may (or may not) help me process my emotions.