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Just Found Out, Heart Broken

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byHisGrace posted 5/20/2013 16:33 PM

My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We were married last year and I just gave birth to our first child. One week after giving birth we both found out that he had another child from a one-night-stand. I am crushed and confused.

He cheated 3 months after we started dating. He was away at a training for work and got drunk. He ended up sleeping with a girl who was also at this training. He does not remember doing this because when he gets too drunk he forgets everything that happened the night before. I know this to be true because I've seen it happen.

We are both confused about this child, he's never met her and she and her mother live 10 hours away from us so he may never get to meet this child. I'm not even sure if he wants to but if he does I'm not sure if I'm ok with that. I do know that I'm angry that his choices are taking money away from our family because he must pay child support on this child that he doesn't even remember conceiving (paternity tests proves it's his though). I think he should pay for her but I am angry because he shouldn't have created her. He was with me at the time and he claimed to love me then. How do you have a ONS when the woman you claim to love is waiting for you back home? I missed him so much and looked forward to the weekends that we had together and dreaded Sunday nights when he had to leave again.

I am so hurt and afraid because I never expected to have this kind of life. I don't want my marriage to be over but I don't feel like my husband is the same man anymore. I'm also hurting for my daughter who now has a half-sister when she should be an only child. I wanted her to have siblings but I wanted them to also be my children. I wanted to give my husband children, I wanted to be the ONLY one to do so. Since the day he found out this child was his he has vowed never to drink again. He gave what alcohol we had in the house to a friend of his (I don't drink).

I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him of this. I could have forgiven him if he hadn't conceived a child but this OC is a constant reminder of what he did. I want to forgive him but I am still hurting so much that I'm not sure right now.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/20/2013 18:22 PM

Wow! You have a lot to deal with all at once. It must feel overwhelming. You came to the right place for support. First, take care of you and your baby. You don't have to decide anything right away. Hang out here, read other people's posts and you will learn a lot. I'm sorry you are going through so much but glad you found SI.

Betrayed67 posted 5/21/2013 02:34 AM

I'm sorry you are dealing with this after just having a baby. I can only imagine the toll this has on you.

I haven't got a lot of words of wisdom but my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. I pray for strength and clarity of mind.

My husband had an ONS, the saving grace was he had protection on (not that it excused what he did) and he can't have children anymore ( vasectomy 3 years ago.

I am thinking of you... and I hope your husband looks after you well during this difficult time. ANd I am glad that alcohol will never feature in his life anymore

HUGS to you..

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/21/2013 08:25 AM

It seems kind of odd that this woman got pregnant from a one night stand and never, ever contacted your husband again to let him know the results of their drunken ONS.

It seems equally odd that she'd wait until AFTER the kid was born to drag him into court to force a DNA test on him and start the child support procedure rolling.

I mean, doesn't it seem odd that she disappeared for all this time and then suddenly reared her head out of the blue 2 years later?

I hate to say it, but I think there's a lot more to this story than he's letting on. And being honest, most people who are at the stage of 'black out drunk' aren't even able to walk, much less maintain an erection and peform the act of sex.

There's something more to this story. Guard your heart.

byHisGrace posted 5/21/2013 11:52 AM

((Neveragain)) What you are saying makes since but I believe him. The reason I believe that it was just a ONS is because at this training they were only allowed one night where they could go out and enjoy themselves. They had a curfew and would lose their job if they didn't follow it. On this night he says he had too many, he's been this way around me a few times and he is able to still perform.

We also thought it was odd that she hadn't tried to contact him prior to this so he called the CS office. They told him (and I overheard the whole conversation) that she had been trying to contact him but only knew his name and occupation. With that they started their search but were going after the wrong person who had the same name.

I hate that they couldn't find the correct person first because who knows if I would still be with my husband. I doubt that I would but now I feel trapped and betrayed because the state was going after the wrong man.

I know I may sound naive but I choose to believe this story.

((Betrayed)) Thank you, I am very glad he is giving up alcohol. From the day we found out that this could be a possibility he said that if it was his he'd never drink again. I'm glad he's following through on his promise. He is also now working more hours at his second job to make up the lose of CS each month (I can check his work schedule to verify). Unfortunately, this means I'm home alone with our one month old a lot more then I'd like to be. Some days I feel like a single mom because he's at work all day.

((Ladyogilvy)) Thank you, I am only thinking of our baby girl during this time. I will do whatever I think is best for her and I've told him that.

Pudding posted 5/21/2013 12:57 PM

Hugs to you. I know a little how you feel, except I am too old to have more children and FWH and OW and WH refuse to have a DNA test. I too married last year to my partner of 8 years, knowing that he had conceived a son on an ONS 2 years into our relationship ( although it took him 3 years to tell me).When I married him, i thought it was all over and he didn't see OW and OC except for work. A month after our wedding, I discover they still go out on work night drink sessions and he has been seeing the OC. I can relate.

It is absolutely devastating. I have insisted on NC with OW and contact with OC to be arranged through OWH ( who knew all along and doesn't seem to care that he is raising my Hs child as his own). I think you could insist on NC with OW and with OC. Is she married? Does her H know? Does she want financial support? I would say no finance without DNA test. I believe it is advisable for you to get your claim in first to protect your C. Have a look on the OC thread in the I can relate forum. There is a lot to read there, some helpful.

I don't understand how you have ONS with someone when you love someone else, but this site tells you we are not alone. That is the hardest part, as I (and you) thought everything was wonderful. Why do they do it? I am learning (see Healing Library) that it is very rarely to do with the BS or the relationship. It is something in them. In my case alcohol was also involved and I too think he can't have been that drunk as he wouldn't have maintained an erection. Your WH needs to focus on making you feel safe and secure and loved. He needs to work on why he did it and what boundaries he will set up with women in general, so that he never does it again. If he does worry on this for you and you C, then R might be possible, but he has got to work at it.

This is awful for you. I love my husband and apart from 10 stupid minutes everything is great. I am trying to get to the stage that I don't want those 10 minutes to ruin everything else we have. Too right, he (my H and your WH) was wrong to have the ONS, but OW has compounded the situation. She could have taken precautions in the first place, she could have taken the morning after pill, she could have had an abortion. Continuing with the pregnancy has compounded one stupid error. She chose to continue the pregnancy without reference to your WH. He has had no decision in anything that happened after the ONS. You can castigate him for the ONS, but she has continued the situation. She should not have continued with the pregnancy, if she can not afford to raise the child herself. She should not have had sex without taking precautions unless she was aiming to pregnant.

Try to separate out what has upset you about your WHs actions from the OC situation (very difficult). You have a plus in that he doesn't want to maintain contact with OC - my FWH is still working on that one, which upsets me.

If he definitely is the father, then he probably does have to support financially which is really tough. You need to ask him what he is going to do about that. No way should any of your personal money fund the OC. Will he take a second job? He can provide financially without having any physical contact. He needs to step up and show you that you are the most important woman in his life (and your child) and he is going to keep you safe.

Good luck, do wha they all say on here, take care of yourself, drink plenty of water, get our sleep (as much as you can with a newborn).

SisterMilkshake posted 5/21/2013 13:20 PM

I just wanted to reassure you that it is quite possible for someone to have a ONS and not contact the father until a later date.

My niece and her fiancee found out 6 months before their wedding that he was the father of about 12 month old twin boys. He had a ONS about 20 months earlier with a friend of a friend. The woman he had the ONS with had a SO. They broke up a few months after the boys were born. She wanted child support, her SO fought her on it and the court made her get a paternity test.

Yeah, my nieces' fiancee was the father. My niece wasn't dating him at the time of the ONS, so he didn't cheat on her, and I don't think he was aware that the woman was living with a SO.

So, very possible scenario and I wouldn't dismiss your husband's story out of hand. The difference being is that he did cheat on you. So sorry. ((((byHisGrace)))

byHisGrace posted 5/21/2013 13:21 PM

He had a DNA test done (state required it). The OC is his. I often wonder why she continued with the pregnancy but I also don't agree with abortion so she may have the same view. I am angry for my husband because, as you stated, he had no say in the situation after the "10 minute" mistake. He had no say in the continuation of the pregnancy. He has no say in the way the child is raised.

He does have to pay for this child but is working a second job (which he did have before) to pay for her. Although he already had the second job, he is working many more hours now then he did before so as to not take money away from our daughter and myself. The biggest problem I have with this is that by him working so much, he is taking time away from us. I love my husband deeply and don't want one mistake to lead to a divorce.

We talked last night and I think he wants NC with the OC. He has negative feelings towards her and her mother. He feels like he got used because of how drunk he was (I sincerely don't think he remembers having sex).

I also wonder if this other woman was trying to get pregnant. She is not married but has two other children (the things you can learn through social media). I don't know if these children have the same father or not but I know that the youngest is the only one that's his. I also know that she's in a relationship and we're both hoping/praying that she marries this guy and he wants to adopt the OC. My husband knows he can't be a father to the OC because of the distance and we both know that it would be best if she would get adopted by her mother's husband (when and if her mother marries). My husband is willing to sign his rights over if a man does want to adopt her but there has to be a man to do so before he can sign them over.

I pray so strongly that this happens because more then anything, I want my family back to the way it was. We were happy that way, now I'm just miserable.

byHisGrace posted 6/3/2013 23:28 PM

I'm going to try to stay and work on this marriage as I want my daughter to know her dad but I'm afraid to stay. I'm afraid that even if nothing more ever happens, I'll be thinking about this everyday and I'll be in a depressed state everyday. I know the information is still fresh (I only founded out May 9) but I want it to be over. I want to stop thinking about this other woman and their daughter together.

My husband wants no contact with his daughter because he doesn't feel that it will be beneficial to either of them due to the distance. I'm both happy and sad about that. Is that normal? I'm happy because I think that it will make things worse between us if he does see her but I'm also sad because I don't understand how you could not want to see your own child. I guess since he hasn't ever met her, it's easier not to care. Maybe he doesn't even think of her as his daughter. It just makes me afraid that if I leave him will he do the same thing to our daughter.

Whenever I talk with him about this whole situation he always says that he couldn't afford two child supports and to live. I feel like he's more worried about having to pay child support to me and his ONS then he is about losing me and our daughter. He also told his grandmother that he would have to move back to NY which is 10 hrs away. He's already 10 hrs away from his other daughter and knows he won't be able to be involved in her life with that kind of distance. Why would he put that kind of distance between him and our daughter if I left? I still want him to be a father to her even if I can't live with him as a husband any longer.

I do believe that he hasn't done anything since we've been married and I believe that he doesn't remember doing this but it doesn't change the fact that either I didn't exist to him when he did it or that my feelings and our relationship didn't matter. I just wish I could get all of my questions answered. It may (or may not) help me process my emotions.

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