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hexed posted 5/20/2013 18:16 PM

My 19 year old sister is pregnant. She is a disaster and has been most of her short life. She has not finished HS. She parties all the dang time. Drug use, drugs ect. She really accomplished something she is really proud of by being selected to be a 'go go' dancer for some band's shows.

I am not surprised that this has happened.

However the big question for our family is "now what?" No one expects that she will actually parent a child. I will be shocked if she stays sober for the duration of the pregnancy. She still lives with my dad and step mom. My dad is 70 and my step mom 59. Both have significant health and financial issues. It is likely that a baby will get foisted on to them to raise.

She won't consider adoption.

I'm having a really difficult time being supportive. I'm so mad at her for this. There have been hints that maybe she and baby could come live with me for a fresh start with the baby.

There is no way that I am willing to consider it. I don't want her influence around my son or TG's kids. Worse I do NOT want an infant around. I am not home a lot of the time and I don't want her in my house alone.

Does anyone have any suggestions for ways to be supportive w/o getting very involved. I really want to be supportive of my dad more than anything. He's so depressed about all this.

Williesmom posted 5/20/2013 18:26 PM

((Hexed))

No ideas, just a hug.

Amazonia posted 5/20/2013 20:13 PM

Buy used baby items? No gift cards, no cash, just a reliable stroller/car seat/carrier and some second hand or hand me down clothes in various sizes... Things baby needs.

HeartInADustpan posted 5/20/2013 20:28 PM

It is so hard. Yes, they are blessings. We dealt with infertility problems and our DS is literally a miracle baby. I'm would maybe find out her reasons for not considering adoption. Serious talk. I don't think she has a clue what she's up against when the child comes.

Trust me, there are many, many families out there that would be wonderful parents that may not be able to have a child. We were one. The day the adoption papers arrived was the day I found out I was pregnant. Had we already started the adoption, though, we would have been blessed with two wonderful children.

I know no one can convince her, but she needs to understand she won't be able to live that lifestyle and raise a child IMO.

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but that's really all the advice I can offer.

Sad in AZ posted 5/20/2013 21:51 PM

Gah We went through this with my drug-addicted niece; you may remember my thread. Don't let family members guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. You have very good reasons to not get involved.

hexed posted 5/20/2013 22:16 PM

S AZ I do remember that. Thank you for the reminder

Yeah I am struggling with some guilt with this one. Realistically in terms of family stepping in to care for a baby I'm about the only logically choice.

I'm just getting my life back together financially. My DS graduates HS in one week. I feel very selfish but I don't want to have the time and financial burden of an infant and teen mom. I feel guilty, selfish and awful but I don't want anything to do with the day to day stuff.

I want to be supportive but I don't know what advice to give or things to do. I just want shake her and tell her she HAS to get it together and get a plan together. She won't listen.

FaithFool posted 5/20/2013 22:23 PM

Oh hell no! It's not your job!

She made the mess, she's the one who has to clean it up.

Get her a gift card to a good IC.

Kajem posted 5/21/2013 07:18 AM

Let her stand on her own.

- That said from a mom who's 21yo DD gave birth to a baby last year. She was in college headed for medical school. She opted to keep the baby.

This is what I did. I offered her to live with me -rent free - as long as she continues toward her 4 year degree. I offered to adjust my work schedule ( I work from home and can do this without a problem) so she could work to support the baby. She is responsible for her and baby's expenses. She lives with me. I provided daycare for the first year. (after a year CC expenses are cut in half). For the most part it has worked out. She attends school online, works 30+ hours a week. Has a decent GPA. She did switch her major from premed as she could not attend the labs needed for a premed major.

Baby is now 1 and is on a waiting list for 4 daycare centers. She just landed her internship and may possibly be moving out.

She covers her own bills, phone, car, car insurance, XH has to keep her on his health insurance till she graduates college (its in the decree). Baby is covered under his until she is 18 months then DD will be paying $15 a month for state health insurance.

I have a friend who's DD 16 got pregnant.. friend told her she would provide a roof over her head. But would not be taking care of the baby except for 2-3 hours on a saturday evening from 7-10pm. And she stuck to it.... Her DD ended up putting the baby up for adoption at 15 months... it got too hard for her to do it alone. The baby was adopted by someone at my church.. (friend and family are at a different church)

There are no right or wrong answers here... just what is best for the baby.

I hope your sister figures that out.. although I know it took DD several months to feel confident in her role as mama.

Hugs and good luck.

K

JanaGreen posted 5/21/2013 12:45 PM

What a tough spot.

Honestly, I think if you really think your sister will be drinking/doing drugs during her pregnancy, you should consider calling child protective services and getting their input.

Crescita posted 5/21/2013 13:29 PM

Best way to be supportive, for both your sister and your father, support their autonomy. Let them be adults. Let them know you support their decisions and their ability to handle the consequences and will not interfere. Make it clear your resources are not readily available and you will do your best to support in other ways. Offer to accompany her to parenting classes, touch up her resume or help her study for her GED. Support her by supporting her independence. Your father needs to do the same, it is unacceptable for him to just cater to her whims and then foist her onto you.

GabyBaby posted 5/21/2013 13:35 PM

I was 18 (almost 19) when I married XWH. Our DD was born a few weeks after I turned 21yrs old and DS when I was 24yrs old.

At the time, I was in the military and we were on the opposite coast from our FOOs.
I believe this is the ONLY reason we made it as well as we did (as a married couple and as parents).
We had no choice but to do it on our own since there was no one to fall back on.

The biggest favor you can do for your sister is to do nothing.