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Obsessing what he said to the OW

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Undone1 posted 5/20/2013 18:21 PM

I am now 6 1/2 months out and thought I was done with periods of anger and obsession of the OW. For the last three days all I have thought of is "what did he say to the OW so that she fell in love with him?" He had a 3 year affair, sex nearly every two weeks and can only remember he said "I love you" back to her a couple of times. He says "I said the normal stuff you say when you are having an affair with someone" What the H does that mean? He says "I cannot remember the specifics." I do not understand how you see this person for 3 years and then can't remember what you might have said.

When he says he cannot remember, it causes me to think that he is not telling the truth, but he swears he is. He has been honest, remoreseful, goes to IC, working on the "why" he had an affair. Is this normal? Was he sleep walking thru his life so that now he really cannot recall.

But more importantly, why do I need to know? What makes this information helpful to me in any way? I know the horrid details of where, when, how.

I feel like I am in a huge hole and there is no way to crawl out. This is VERY unlike me since I have been doing so well!

TXwifemom posted 5/20/2013 18:24 PM

Who cares why you need to know? You need to know to recreate the lie that was your life with him.

I'm almost eight months out. I still ask and re-ask stuff like that. Plus, I watch to see if his stories are consistent.... I've caught him in lies before that way.

sisoon posted 5/20/2013 19:09 PM

My experience has been: when I don't know why I want to talk about something, actually talking about it shows me what I wanted to learn. Usually, it's different from what I thought, but asking the question got me going on the right path.

Also, at 6 months, you may not be done with the ups and downs, and in particular you may find more anger. If the next months are less settled than you expect, just go with it.

LA44 posted 5/20/2013 19:56 PM

Undone1, wow, I am glad I read your post bc I am 5.5 months out and I have been going through this in my head too!

H just asked me if I wanted to talk as he knows something is bothering me. I said, "no" bc I don't even know how I want to word this yet. I just want to address the emotional aspect of his A. I guess I will keep reading what Sisoon put down bc something about it, caught my attn.

In our case, she told him that she could "never" be mad at him. What were the circumstances that this was said? I mean....its such a ludicrious, idealized thing to say to someone.

For the record, I read the other day that when one is in an A, they have to live with an "altered state of consciousness". So...perhaps it is no wonder they are fuzzy on the details.

In any event....I will think for another day or so and then have a talk with him. I know this started out as sex. Purely sex. I now want to know how emotional this got.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:57 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

2married2quit posted 5/20/2013 20:03 PM

You want to put the puzzle together. That's why. Will it change things? Probably not, but it satisfies an obsession. I've been there so I know. I still have some questions, but a at this point asking those questions kinda do a bit of damage to the R. Sets us back and it really does not good in the end.

LA44 posted 5/20/2013 20:14 PM

maybe that is why I am holding back asking....maybe I feel it will "set us back" in R as you note, 2married.

My H is doing everything right. I even have to say, things are better now then they were even before the bloody A got started!

FightingBack posted 5/20/2013 21:06 PM

Oh Sister, I am so sorry. I know how you are feeling. I don't know if knowing will help you or set you back. I only know that I could have written that changing only 3 years for 15.

He said I told Her a couple of times that I love you, because that is what she wanted to hear. Turns out he said it most of the times they had sex because in that fantasy bubble, that was what he was supposed to say.

He also cannot remember specifics. It is a nightmare, I know. Why do we have to know? Because there are so many things swirling around in our heads, we just want to know what is true. Just give us that and we can deal with whatever. Just the truth please.

betraydtwice posted 5/21/2013 01:17 AM

Oh I so agree with everyone...I want to know more. I hate that I do, it feels like they are still controlling me in some way. By not rising above it I mean. But truthfully I'm obsessed by it. I want to know it all.

I want to put her behind me but I can't seem to stop thinking about her. So hard, moving so slowly.

catlover50 posted 5/21/2013 03:57 AM

I needed to know the details in part because then it was something between us and not just between them. It became part of our history and not just theirs. It did help me, but partly because it wasn't as bad as my imaginings.

Undone I suspect your WH remembers more than he says but doesn't want to hurt you further. Only you know if knowing more will help or hurt. You cannot unknow.

Good luck.

2married2quit posted 5/21/2013 08:44 AM

This book I read said to write all the questions down on a sheet of paper and discuss with your H that you have questions and to tell you when the time is right to answer these questions. Seems like a good way to get deal with this.

It's not easy on both to deal with the truth, but sometimes it has to be done or else you may grow in resentment within you just from the mind movies based on assumptions. Then again, the new mind movies maybe accurate and torturing. It's a lose lose.

LA44 posted 5/21/2013 14:07 PM

Catlover, I know that part of me wants to know based on what you said - bc now its between the two of you and not just them. The secret is busted up. I feel when I KNOW, I am more in control. But really, I use the word "control" lightly. Things seem far from it in my head some days.

I have this fantasy of looking at her and saying simply, "You're secrets are mine now. I know."

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:07 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Undone1 posted 5/22/2013 14:38 PM

It's nice to know that others have the same issue of wanting to know what happened, what he said to her. My fWH has let go of her, she has sold her house and moved back to Hawaii. yeah! Fightingback, you are right, there are just so many things swirling around in our heads! I have MC tomorrow and plan to discuss this.

Dare2Trust posted 5/22/2013 19:53 PM


He had a 3 year sexual affair with this OW - and I assure you: HE DOES REMEMBER!!!

He needs to man-up and answer your questions HONESTELY.

wannabenormal posted 5/22/2013 20:14 PM

I didn't R, but I believe he is embarrassed about what he said to her and wishes it would just disappear.

How important is it to YOUR relationship now to know what was said?

Honestly - he probably did say some gross crap you don't want to know about; leave it at that.

If he's trying and you're interested; just let that go - much easier said than done I'm sure.

You want to know just because; I did too. I read so much I wish I could unread and I'm not even with him anymore. LOL!

He's with you now because YOU are friggin' awesome and hot and he doesn't want to lose you. Pick your battles?

(note again, I didn't R so I don't know how important some of this stuff is; but F his OW; she wasn't up to snuff, YOU ARE!)

Sue1964 posted 5/22/2013 21:24 PM

Don't bother thinking about it will just be lies to make to what he's doing know and your family know kind of person u are and that's the main thing.
They now have to live a relationship based on lies let them get on with it.

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