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Coming out to friends

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Bumbling posted 5/20/2013 18:24 PM

I've talked with a couple of my closest friends about my affairs, and they've been surprisingly supportive. My wife wants me to talk about them with more of our friends, and she wants to post some things on facebook that anyone paying attention will understand means "Bumbling had an affair, and I'm getting over it." It's scary and embarrassing, and I hate losing my reputation over this. How have you guys dealt with this?

SandAway posted 5/20/2013 19:12 PM

Why in the world would she want to post something like that on Facebook?

That is just wrong and would be completely humiliating. Telling people face to face is one thing; posting for the world to see in another...

Darkness Falls posted 5/20/2013 19:57 PM

I agree with SandAway.

All of my friends know. They know what I did, they know it's why XH divorced me, they heard me eat humble pie as I personally apologized to each of them for lying and putting on a false persona for 5 1/2 months while I was cheating, and for hurting their friend (XH).

Putting this kind of crap on Facebook or the equivalent makes everyone involved look like a drama queen. (Gender-neutral.) IMO, it will likely not have the intended effect (which I assume is to humble you and maybe also allow your BW to find support). IMO, it will more likely have the effect of appearing as though your BW is intentionally forcing you to humiliate & emasculate yourself and make her look like a pity-seeking victim.

I'm NOT saying that's her intent. Not at all. But that's the way the immature (IMO) nature of social media works.

Edited to add: I don't disagree with confiding in select friends of the marriage if it will be supportive to you and your BW. I just don't think a public free-for-all such as Facebook is an appropriate venue.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 7:59 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 5/21/2013 17:45 PM

Let her. It's her prerogative to shout it from the rooftop. You cannot control her. It's a consequence of your actions.

However, you can and should make your boundaries. If you are ok staying married to someone who needs to express her feelings so publicly, then that's fine. But you also get to decide if you cannot live with that.

tired girl posted 5/21/2013 19:10 PM

I am with Unexpected Song on this.

It is her right to do this. You altered her life forever, how she deals with that is her business.

I think you should have thought about your reputation prior to your decisions.

And as US said, you can decide how you want to handle it if she does it.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/21/2013 22:23 PM

FB is not the place to find any sort of healing IMO. Support from friends? Sure. But putting stuff out there with comments which allude to the A is just something that doesn't need to happen. If she does it, well, not much you can do to change that...and it sort of sounds like you will go along with it, meaning you would stay with her if she chose to air your stuff on FB. Your choice.

I hope your BW doesn't post stuff on FB.

That's just my opinion.

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