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HFSSC posted 5/20/2013 18:27 PM

I gave birth to an exquisite, beautiful, tiny baby girl. I held her close to me. I breathed in her scent. I kept her with me for 48 hours, only letting her leave at midnight for a few minutes. I fed her, changed her diapers, held her while she slept, nestled between my breasts. My family came and visited. My parents stayed the entire time. So many friends, family, loved ones came to see us. I held a dedication service in the hospital chapel, and most of my church attended.

And then, 48 hours after her birth, I left the hospital without her. Two weeks later, I signed the documents that would forever sever the legal bonds between me and my child. I had no idea, of course, how strong the emotional bond would be, and that I would spend the next 21 years trying to make the pain go away.

It was the right decision, made for the right reasons. I was 19 when I was raped by a friend of my brother's on the other side of the world when I had gone for a visit. I was 20 when I gave birth. I had not yet begun to process the abuse that I suffered as a child. My mother was nuts. My family was wracked with mental illness, addiction, abuse. I remember looking at my daughter and thinking, "No one deserves to be brought into a family like this on purpose, certainly not this beautiful, innocent baby in my arms." So I signed the papers and trusted that God would ensure that she was cared for, and that He would bring her back to me some day.

Not a day has gone by in the past 26 years that I have not thought of her and grieved. I have been able to peek into her life over the past 8 years, and I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse. I mostly think it's better, because I know that she was cherished, cared for, loved and brought up in a stable home. I've been able to see pictures as she has matured into a beautiful woman. She's a high school guidance counselor now...maybe she'll have the opportunity to counsel a pregnant young woman.

I wasted 21 years trying to numb all of my feelings with drugs, alcohol, sex, achievement, marriages...nothing worked. In the past almost 5 years of sobriety, I have learned to live with pain, to walk through it. I bend, but never break. I get knocked down but I keep getting up.

The last communication I had with her was 3 years ago...she said that she wants to meet me "some day" but is not ready. So every day, at least once, the thought crosses my mind, that maybe, today will be the day.

And then it isn't.

Today, it really, really, really hurts.

Thanks for letting me share.

somanyyears posted 5/20/2013 18:35 PM


..

..keep hope alive..the day, your day will come and hers..

sending prayers

smy

wildbananas posted 5/20/2013 18:38 PM

(((HFSSC)))

jo2love posted 5/20/2013 18:44 PM

(((HFSSC)))

boontje posted 5/20/2013 18:46 PM

Give her time. She will be ready, and you will be there for her. I wish I could say something to magically take away the pain you are feeling today. (((HF)))

KVille posted 5/20/2013 18:47 PM

BIG BIG hug.

redrock posted 5/20/2013 18:48 PM

(((HFSSC)))

nowiknow23 posted 5/20/2013 18:56 PM

(((((HFSSC)))))

deeplysad posted 5/20/2013 18:57 PM

I understand. For me, it was 45 years ago, but I have been lucky enough to have her in my life for the past 20+ years. And I get to have a relationship with my granddaughters.

It has taken a very long time to develop the relationship she and I have now, so I do think as your daughter gets older, she will be more willing to let you be a part of her life. I hope this happens for you.

I do understand the pain you're in today and my heart is sad for you.

((((HFSSC))))

SoVerySadNow posted 5/20/2013 19:26 PM

((((HFSSC))))
One day...

Williesmom posted 5/20/2013 19:29 PM

((HFSCC))

Kep the faith.

jrc1963 posted 5/20/2013 19:52 PM

(((HFSSC)))

Tred posted 5/20/2013 19:55 PM

(((HFSSC)))

Just want you to know that even though I didn't give birth to her, I know what you are going through. I had to make that decision as well, and to this day I know it was the right one, but it still hurts. I've gotten to know her, but she hasn't wanted contact lately because it confuses her. My heart goes out to you.

inconnu posted 5/20/2013 20:00 PM

(((HFSSC)))

HFSSC posted 5/20/2013 20:31 PM

Thank you all so much for the hugs, the prayers, the gentle, kind thoughts.

I am just so weary of walking in pain. Days like today, it feels as though I have never had a single day of my life that was not overshadowed by the pain of abuse, of loss, of grief. I have had happy days, days when the sun was shining, but there have always been clouds hanging over the horizon.

I wonder what it would feel like to wake up totally free, totally new, totally alive, totally refreshed.

Deeplysad and Tred, especially, thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. It is truly a pain that no one can imagine who has not been through this.

yewtree posted 5/21/2013 11:02 AM

((HFSSC))
You are a brave woman, and I hope that someday your child will come to you.

Deeply Scared posted 5/21/2013 11:19 AM

(((HFSSC)))

I was adopted and about 20 years ago my bio-logical mother found me ( I was never really interested in meeting her since I was adopted into an incredibly loving home and always felt fulfilled) and she ended up flying MH and myself out to the East coast for a visit.

She was/is very nice and I'm glad we met however the best part of the meeting was getting to know my two brothers.

I hope one day you get to meet your daughter, giving her up for adoption was beyond loving of you.

MissesJai posted 5/21/2013 11:19 AM

(((((HFSSC)))))

click4it posted 5/21/2013 11:41 AM

((((HFSSC))))

How incredibly brave to share your story with us here. I do hope that the "one day" will be very soon. Much hugs and prayers sent your way.

HFSSC posted 5/21/2013 11:47 AM

Again, thank you all for the hugs and warm thoughts.

DS, thanks for sharing that. On some level, I truly am glad beyond measure that her life has been so good for her, so complete that she doesn't have this aching, empty need to fill. That's what I wanted for her. But on the other side, my entire family has never forgotten her, never given up hope of meeting her, knowing her, having some sort of relationship with her. My niece, who was 5 years old at the time, still remembers holding her in the hospital. My cousins still have a picture holding her. She was loved, immeasurably and unconditionally from the very start of her existence.

My boys know they have a sister, and it breaks my heart over again when ds14 asks if I really think they'll get to meet her someday.

And I truly do get that so much of this is about ME and my needs. I keep thinking that if I can get to a point where I don't need/want it so much that's when it will the right time. I just don't know how to get there.

I can't tell y'all how much it helps to just be able to get this all out. Everyone here is either in the same place or I'm scared they're tired of hearing about it.

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