And then, 48 hours after her birth, I left the hospital without her. Two weeks later, I signed the documents that would forever sever the legal bonds between me and my child. I had no idea, of course, how strong the emotional bond would be, and that I would spend the next 21 years trying to make the pain go away.
It was the right decision, made for the right reasons. I was 19 when I was raped by a friend of my brother's on the other side of the world when I had gone for a visit. I was 20 when I gave birth. I had not yet begun to process the abuse that I suffered as a child. My mother was nuts. My family was wracked with mental illness, addiction, abuse. I remember looking at my daughter and thinking, "No one deserves to be brought into a family like this on purpose, certainly not this beautiful, innocent baby in my arms." So I signed the papers and trusted that God would ensure that she was cared for, and that He would bring her back to me some day.
Not a day has gone by in the past 26 years that I have not thought of her and grieved. I have been able to peek into her life over the past 8 years, and I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse. I mostly think it's better, because I know that she was cherished, cared for, loved and brought up in a stable home. I've been able to see pictures as she has matured into a beautiful woman. She's a high school guidance counselor now...maybe she'll have the opportunity to counsel a pregnant young woman.
I wasted 21 years trying to numb all of my feelings with drugs, alcohol, sex, achievement, marriages...nothing worked. In the past almost 5 years of sobriety, I have learned to live with pain, to walk through it. I bend, but never break. I get knocked down but I keep getting up.
The last communication I had with her was 3 years ago...she said that she wants to meet me "some day" but is not ready. So every day, at least once, the thought crosses my mind, that maybe, today will be the day.
And then it isn't.
Today, it really, really, really hurts.
Thanks for letting me share.
..keep hope alive..the day, your day will come and hers..
So you do it one day at a time until you can't...and on that day you know. If that day never comes the doubt and questions fade and eventually become replaced with strength and conviction.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
It has taken a very long time to develop the relationship she and I have now, so I do think as your daughter gets older, she will be more willing to let you be a part of her life. I hope this happens for you.
I do understand the pain you're in today and my heart is sad for you.
It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert
Kep the faith.
Just want you to know that even though I didn't give birth to her, I know what you are going through. I had to make that decision as well, and to this day I know it was the right one, but it still hurts. I've gotten to know her, but she hasn't wanted contact lately because it confuses her. My heart goes out to you.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
I am just so weary of walking in pain. Days like today, it feels as though I have never had a single day of my life that was not overshadowed by the pain of abuse, of loss, of grief. I have had happy days, days when the sun was shining, but there have always been clouds hanging over the horizon.
I wonder what it would feel like to wake up totally free, totally new, totally alive, totally refreshed.
Deeplysad and Tred, especially, thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. It is truly a pain that no one can imagine who has not been through this.
Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.
I was adopted and about 20 years ago my bio-logical mother found me ( I was never really interested in meeting her since I was adopted into an incredibly loving home and always felt fulfilled) and she ended up flying MH and myself out to the East coast for a visit.
She was/is very nice and I'm glad we met however the best part of the meeting was getting to know my two brothers.
I hope one day you get to meet your daughter, giving her up for adoption was beyond loving of you.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
How incredibly brave to share your story with us here. I do hope that the "one day" will be very soon. Much hugs and prayers sent your way.
Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?
DS, thanks for sharing that. On some level, I truly am glad beyond measure that her life has been so good for her, so complete that she doesn't have this aching, empty need to fill. That's what I wanted for her. But on the other side, my entire family has never forgotten her, never given up hope of meeting her, knowing her, having some sort of relationship with her. My niece, who was 5 years old at the time, still remembers holding her in the hospital. My cousins still have a picture holding her. She was loved, immeasurably and unconditionally from the very start of her existence.
My boys know they have a sister, and it breaks my heart over again when ds14 asks if I really think they'll get to meet her someday.
And I truly do get that so much of this is about ME and my needs. I keep thinking that if I can get to a point where I don't need/want it so much that's when it will the right time. I just don't know how to get there.
I can't tell y'all how much it helps to just be able to get this all out. Everyone here is either in the same place or I'm scared they're tired of hearing about it.