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apologizing to inlaws?

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Alyssamd24 posted 5/20/2013 20:07 PM

My BH' s parents know about my A and haven't spoken to me since my BH told them about it. BH has mentioned to me a few times that at some point, his parents would like me to sit down with them and officially apologize to them for what I have done.
I am wondering what others think about this and if it's something you have done yourself?

Darkness Falls posted 5/20/2013 20:17 PM

My XH's family also know about my A, and they also haven't spoken to me since he told them.

After D-day, I wrote his mother and his sister & her husband each a personal letter apologizing. I emailed his brother the same, since I didn't have his physical address. His brother replied to me but his mother and SIL/BIL never did. That doesn't surprise me and I totally understand.

That being said: we have been in R for over a year now (just passed 3-years-divorced mark) and AFAIK they don't have any interest in a relationship with me. Which, again, is totally understandable and also not a surprise.

I don't know if they're waiting for me to make the first move. It's difficult since they live on the opposite side of the country and they didn't seem receptive to my written communication of years ago. I figure I'll worry about it when I'm family-by-marriage again.

Since you're still married, I'd follow their lead and do as they request. IMO, of course you do owe them an apology, if for nothing other than hurting their son. I'm sure it will be awkward and painful, but hopefully they will be gracious!

Card posted 5/20/2013 20:34 PM

I believe it's important to make amends to everyone that I've injured. My infidelity was no exception. Upon reconciling with my wife, I immediately sought out my In-Laws and confessed my action and asked them to forgive me. This allowed relationship with them to occur again.

It was hard! It was humbling! It was scary! But most of all, it was worth it!

The people that stood up for me at my wedding were all betrayed too. They were witnesses to my vows and they were hurt when I broke them. I've made amends to many, many friends and family for my infidelity and they all ask the same thing after they forgive me..... They ask me to promise to never hurt my family again. I'm so glad they care!

[This message edited by Card at 8:35 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

OK now posted 5/20/2013 21:14 PM

Not so sure the in-laws merit an apology; isn't this issue between your BH and yourself? You made a mistake and your husband deserves a heartfelt apology, but for the life of me I can't see why relatives qualify for one.

longroadhome posted 5/20/2013 21:17 PM

I did it. Mrs LRH needed to see me make amends to her Mom, so it was really her idea. That said, I'm glad I did it. The best I can tell you is be heartfelt, be humble, an take ownership

Good luck

BaxtersBFF posted 5/20/2013 22:51 PM

I'm with OK now on this one. Yes, infidelity is far-reaching, sometimes we aren't aware of how far-reaching the effects were, but I think that R is between you and your BS.

It's up to you and your BS. If the BS needs it to happen for R, then that should be your path. You and your BS should also then present a united front, meaning if you apologize, then that it. There should never be an issue moving forward and the in-laws should respect the BS's wishes to R.

FaithStricken posted 5/21/2013 01:16 AM

My opinion is that a marriage is not really "just between the spouses". I think the significant family members (including parents/in-laws) deserve a heartfelt apology as the relationship with them is an extension of the marriage.

I don't agree that only the BS is owed an apology. If that were the case then the WS shouldn't consider apologizing to the children of the marriage for betrayal either. The fact is infidelity and its devastation greatly affects others and recognition and an apology for that is warranted if you really want to move forward.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 1:18 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

caspers1wish posted 5/21/2013 09:51 AM

I guess I'm the exact opposite in that the marriage is strictly between spouses. Letting 3rd parties in is what got us in this mess in the first place, not having that boundary around "us".

My BS has never had any desire to share our personal issues with his family, because they can't keep things private, they are judgmental, and would not support his decision to reconcile. If he felt differently, I would probably extend them an apology because that is the way I am, but I wouldn't expect it to change the way they felt about me.

RyeBread posted 5/21/2013 10:09 AM

I saw this topic on the main forum page and it caught my interest. I hope it's ok for me to wager a perspective here since I am a here it goes.

About the same time my WW's A came to light I found out that my BIL was also having an A. My BIL and I have known each other for more than 20 years. We are very close. His A put me in a very precarious position. On the one hand I love him and want to support him in his efforts to R with my sister. On the other my priority is my sister and her healing. I felt torn. I also felt betrayed by my BIL to an extent.

Some may say that the M issues need only be resolved within the marriage. But I know I need some kind of reconciliation with my BIL to regain some trust in him that he won't betray my sister again. He has apologized to me which has helped me to see that he at the very least recognizes his destructive choice and opens up a path towards feeling comfortable with him again. It is still a work in progress but he took the first steps.

Do what you feel is best in your situation. It may or may not be appropriate for you, I don't know. But I did regain some level of respect for my BIL being willing to put himself out there and taking my feelings into account.

Best of luck to you.

caspers1wish posted 5/21/2013 10:28 AM

My BIL also cheated on my sister within the last year. My sister is now reconciling with him and she was desperately afraid to lose my support after helping her when things were at it's worst. I will always support my sister and her choices, because they are hers and hers alone. I really don't know my BIL well, and we were never exactly close. But I don't have to live with him, sleep with him, raise kids with him. He's not my problem. I feel like he doesn't owe me anything. I want his focus to be on my sister, not on me and what I think. Their degree of success has nothing to do with how sorry he says he is to me, but everything to do with how sorry he is to her and the actions he takes to show her.

Maybe because I am not very emotionally close to hardly anyone that I feel less affected by apologies/apologizing. Sigh.

RyeBread posted 5/21/2013 10:36 AM

Maybe because I am not very emotionally close to hardly anyone that I feel less affected by apologies/apologizing. Sigh.

My FOO is very close and my BIL was/is a part of that so him apologizing made a difference to me. But I get your point caspers1wish, and if I wasn't close to my BIL I'd probably feel exactly like you do.

LA44 posted 5/21/2013 13:56 PM

BS here. My H apologized to my sister bc he used her one night to watch our son in order to be with the other woman. He didn't have too. She never would have known. But he wanted too.

He also lied a number of times and used my parents' cars when he was in town in order to see her under the guise of going to meetings. He would like to apologize to them. I am not sure them even knowing is a good idea.

Unfortunately, my 17 year old niece found her from her mom. She loved my H/looked up to him as a positive male role model. He has impacted that relationship. She does not want to see him or hear an apology.

What a mess.

forever.haunted posted 5/21/2013 15:36 PM

BS here... my FWH apologized to my parents and they forgave him after they seen he was truly sorry and doing everything possible to save our marriage.

Apologizing to the inlaws is a good idea because they will see that you realize the pain you caused them.

scared&stronger posted 5/21/2013 16:44 PM

My FWH apologized to my mom and my siblings. We are a family. When I and my children hurt, they get up in arms. He and my mom had a conversation that neither of them is willing to discuss but she also told him in front of me she loves him and will support him as he tried to recover.

Williesmom posted 5/21/2013 18:21 PM

When my wxh wanted to discuss R, I told him that I needed him to apologize to my parents and quit smoking. He did neither, and we did not R.

For me, it was a test of character, of which he is severely lacking.

Trying33 posted 5/22/2013 02:44 AM

If it helps with BH's healing and starting to trust you again, then I see nothing wrong with it. But if it's to humiliate and make a point of then that's a different matter.

cliffside posted 5/22/2013 09:18 AM

BS here, didn't see a Stop Sign.

My WH wants to apologize to my Mom, as we have a very close relationship with her. My Mom wants nothing to do with it. She is supporting us and wants us to reconcile but says she doesn't want to hear an apology, she only wants to see him making the effort to change and fix himself. I feel like him apologizing is to make himself feel better. It actually kind of ticks me off when he brings it up. My Mom feels the exact same and doesn't want to hear it. I think he spent the past two years making himself feel better so sorry, bud, respect my Mom's wishes. But that's just us...

I'd find out ut what your in-laws and wife want you to do and honor their wishes.

[This message edited by cliffside at 9:21 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

cs2384 posted 5/22/2013 09:40 AM

I apologized. It was not taken as a sincere apology. My BH was involved in a lot of revenge behaviors and was very abusive after DDay. He would talk to his parents to justify his actions and they dissected my apology letter and tore me apart. It created a bit of strain in our marriage for quite a while. So if you and your spouse are in a good spot I would send it. Otherwise I'd just focus on you and your spouse first.

idiot85 posted 5/22/2013 09:51 AM

BS here- I hope it's OK...

My wife did apologise but I didn't ask her to and my parents didn't expect it.

It has to come from you and be sure what you're apologising to them for if you know what I mean? It depends on your in-laws really, the reason I said is because as my wife started to apologise my Mum interrupted with a "you should be apologising to *idiot*"

tryingmybest2011 posted 5/22/2013 10:17 AM

My WH apologized to my parents about a year after DD. He wasn't going to - said he didn't need to be judged. (An aside on "don't judge me" - I find this hilarious statement often falls out of the mouths of people who don't want to be held to the expectations of the society or lifestyle they choose to live within. Man, does that statement irk me).

Anyhow, I insisted, and then it took him a little time to get up the nerve. He went by himself, and spent about two hours talking to them. It was a discussion, and the first time he'd faced them since DD, in addition to an apology.

Years ago, he asked my Dad for my "hand in marriage" - an old-fashioned notion, but one I think is sweet. By doing that, he assumed care for me. Now, I am very independent and self-sufficient, and don't require literal "care", per se, but the idea of the transference of care from my dad to my husband was one that both me and my father appreciated. Cute - 1800's style.

So, he screwed that up, royally. He broke that trust. He broke me. Damaged me emotionally and physically, and changed me permanently. He hurt our child. He hurt my parents. From a parent's perspective, if someone hurt my child, especially after they'd promised to look after them and have their best interest in mind, I sure as hell would expect an apology.

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