Honestly, I struggle with this everyday. I had an A. That's it. I did it to my husband and to us. I for some reason thought it was a good idea at the time to go behind my husbands back and screw around with someone else. It is hard to accept that title sometimes, but it is something you have to come to terms with.
Now that the affair is over though, a cheater is something you were. Not something you are now. Yes, you may have lied, cheated and snuck around behind your spouses back, but you aren't doing that now. You confessed your affair to your spouse, that is a good thing. Honestly, I wish I would have had the balls to confess my affair to my husband. But he discovered it and I think that hurt him more. I know it would have hurt him either way but I just wish I would have told him instead of how he found out.
Not many people know about my affair, and I think it is better that way. It is something that I would gladly tell anyone if that is what my husband wanted. It is something that is between my husband and I and we are working through it.
Winning your spouse back is a really hard thing to do after betraying them. I have been working so hard over the past 13 months to do everything I can to help my husband heal from my affair. Trust is a huge thing that is going to take a really long time to get back. When my husband told me that he is starting to trust me again, I didn't think I deserved it. After what I did to him, after all the trauma and turmoil I caused, I didn't think I deserved even a little bit of trust from him.
Honestly, there are a lot of things that are gone in our relationship that I destroyed with my A. One thing is the innocence of our relationship. And another thing that I completely destroyed is being firsts and onlys. We were each others first everything and onlys too. But I completely made that go away what I had my affair. I fucked that up so much that is actually kills me to think about it.
I know for a fact that forgiving yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. I am 13 months out from D-Day and I still don't forgive myself. I wish I could take back what I did and take back all the pain I have caused my husband. I hate seeing him cry, I hate seeing the pain in his eyes. It kills me.
So how do people go on with life after cheating?
It is hard but you can do it. Just do everything you can to help your spouse heal. Make sure you answer every single question your spouse asks, even if they make you look terrible. Even if he asks for the details of what happened, be open and honest about it. It will make you feel better and hopefully help him heal better.
How do you live after you are forever a cheater in the eyes of the person you love?
This is something that is hard to do. But you won't forever be a cheater. It is something that you have done and hate that you have done. You will not always have that title. You used to be a cheater.
Just keep your chin up. You can make it through this. Just be honest.
[This message edited by FR2012 at 6:58 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]