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Think a woman at my BS's work is after him

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Schwaina posted 5/21/2013 01:31 AM

Occassionally I look at my BS's work e-mail (own insecurities about things). I noticed that he's been getting emails from a girl in his office. From maybe a home that hasn't been affected by infidelity, they may seem innocent but being a WS, I kinda know different.
She's seems to be 'fishing' for compliments by self-depricating herself...you know like.."Sorry I couldn't eat your birthday cake...my genetics tell me I shouldn't" and some other references to her maintaining her figure. But the most concerning was one in which she told him how awesome and handsome he looked. He responded by saying "Thanks, you should see me today" (god knows what that means). All his other responses have been friendly and short.
I completely devastated him with my A but he seems to be slowly coming to terms with it and we are working hard to reconcille, he has changed physicallys since DDay, lost weight, works out etc, he's paying more attention to himself which is great. I'm worried however with the blow to his self-esteem I dealt him, he may be vunerable enough to step over the line. He assures me he is committed to us and is open about his hurt but I know all too well the lure and excitement of another when you are broken inside.
I'm not sure if I should talk to him about it or if I just let it go...am I reading in too much into this? Has anyone been here before?

Unagie posted 5/21/2013 02:17 AM

I have. I think you should approach him about your worries with this woman but do not make it accusatory or attacking. Does he know you read his emails and why? Is the transparency open both ways? Just tell him you need to talk and let him know your worries and that it is making you uncomfortable. If you are in MC perhaps addressing it there is a good start. Remember open communication is key to recreating your M.

ophelia24 posted 5/21/2013 02:35 AM

She definitely fishing. And as WW we are only too aware what that looks like. I agree with Unagie, have a talk with him about vulnerability for him being high after your betrayal. And also point out the inappropriateness of her messages. No one should be telling a co worker over email that they are handsome. It would be a Red flag for me too.

Also be prepared for him to dismiss your concerns.

Unagie posted 5/21/2013 04:55 AM

If your DDay is close to your registration date understand you are so fresh out from this and as Ophelia said be prepared for him to dismiss your worries. Be prepared for anger that you would feel the right to question him in any way but vocalizing concerns is just you being upfront and honest. My SO got so angry when I saw hidden convos but by the time I found them it was too late, he was in an EA and I don't know if it ever went physical but I do know he went on a date. Address it now, but do it with grace and calm.

whatlysbeneath posted 5/22/2013 07:22 AM

BS here, No stop sign.

You are correct to be concerned.

You are also correct that most BSs question their sex appeal because their WS rejected them by having an A.

However, the same rules apply to all. The choice to have any A (EA, RA, PA) or not is the individuals alone, not the actions or inactions of a WS or BSs SO.

Be totally open and honest to your BS about your concerns, this let's him know you do care.

[This message edited by whatlysbeneath at 9:00 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

numb&dumb posted 5/22/2013 08:35 AM

BH here.

I would add to what has already been said that building up your H and showing him he can derive what he needs from himself, with your help, you make outside influences less effective. Showing how grateful you are, how he is not a second choice and apologizes for specific things really go a long way.

You need to talk to him about it, but in a very gentle way. Just because he is a BS does not mean he is going to take this friendship any further. I think you realize it is much more individual than that.

Aid him in repairing his self esteem by trying to woo him a little. Speak his love language, show him without a doubt that you are "all in." Compliment him to other people when he thinks you don't know he is there. You get the idea. He is desperately trying to get someone to disagree with all the messages he tells himself in his head. You are in the best position to help him with that.

It is hard to do, but you will have to address your own insecurities as well. The projection of your feelings and experiences also play a factor here and you need to be cognizant of that. Not every friendship turns into an EA.

When you are at a low point the lure of attention is hard to ignore. He needs to be mindful of that too. IC has helped me a lot. Talking to my W about how much it hurts to see me react to her choices was just as, if not more, effective in realizing that the attention I get was unhealthy and really did little to make me feel better in the long run. Accusations that my W made actually drove me further away and made me feel that she was saying "Do as I say, not as I do," Avoid that at all costs. Approach from how it makes you feel. (use "I," not, "you."

Ask him about his friend, but pair it with wooing him and building him up at the same time. It won't happen overnight, but having anyone paying positive attention to him right now is important to him. Be that person.

losingmyground posted 5/22/2013 10:53 AM

First, when it comes to reconciliation you both have to communicate. The fact this bothers you means that you should speak up. Most likely it is nothing, but it does sound like she is testing the waters, but he has not taken the bait.

I will tell you that, as a BS, attention from the opposite sex after finding out your spouse has cheated feels very good. And it can lead to bad things if the BS cannot keep themselves in check.

I will also tell you how great it feels to know that your WS is worried about you stepping out. Not in a "hope you hurt too" way, but in a way that says "I love you enough to be worried".

So speak up...I would start with I know you are hurting but we need to talk about something that is bothering me. That might scare him at first, but once he realizes that you nervous about this woman and not his actions it should put things in perspective.

DO NOT use an accusing tone and be sure to touch him while you are talking.

Schwaina posted 5/23/2013 22:38 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I talked to him a couple of nights ago. I cried the whole time - feeling scared, shameful and embarassed that maybe I over reacted. He was lovely and understanding about the situation and admitted had he read an email like that from another guy to me, he wouldn't be happy (especially afer m A!).
He was very keen to make it right and possibly put some distance between this girl and him but I said the best thing will be just to ignore her and the comments she makes. He assures me he is not interested in her in anyway but she is single and very friendly.
I tried to reinforce it doesn't even matter if he's not attracted to her, people get 'lost' in the excitement of it all....god knows I did. I told him I trust him, he's never given me a reason not to and that I was thankful that he took it the way he did. He was also glad I brought it up with him becasue he could see I was not myself for a few days which obviously is a trigger for him.
God I hope it goes no further...but that is not in my control.

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