SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Permission to Cheat, this has been the question that I struggle to answer more than any other. I know that my decision to cheat was based on my neediness, wanting attention, selfishness, low self esteem, and opportunity. But even if those are reasons for what happened, it still doesn't answer the question of how could I think this was ok. At some point in my decision making process, I must have told myself that this was ok or it would not have happened. I certainly don't remember this process, but none the less, it must have occurred. How do you answer this question for yourself?

I made a decision and backward-rationalized it. The further I got into the A, the more exaggerated my reasons got. I wrapped the reasons around myself like a blanket, and they were so real, so comforting at the time.

When I look back now at what I wrote to AP, how I felt about my BH and our M, it feels like another person did that. Not me, not in this universe. I have a sense of detachment from it. What's hard now, is digging those reasons back up and facing them.

That is exactly how I feel. It is like as if it wasn't me back then and I feel completely detached from it. I can't comprehend how I made those decisions.

I also feel like this. Who was that person? Where did she come from? And how did she take over my life? IMO, it's the addictive feeling that came with the A that made me rationalize that what I was doing was okay. At first, I felt totally in control of what I was doing and thought I could stop any time I wanted to. But then, when I would try to end the A, I was always the one who would get back in contact with OM. That's when I realized the A was controlling me and I was "hooked". And I also realize now that I lied to myself just as much as my BH.

I rationalised. As long as it wasn't interfering with my role as a mum and a wife it was ok. I wasn't hurting anyone. I wasn't sleeping with AP and I was making sure my kids always came first.

I made myself believe I wasn't hurting anyone. It allowed me to continue as it rugswept any guilt. I became a master at justifying my actions.

Totally fucked up thinking.

It was all one big ESCAPE from my real life problems and marriage.

I wasn't sleeping with the person either and rationalized it that way as well. Even though I had kissed this person, I discounted this and continued a 3 month inappropriate relationship with this person over the phone as an escape from my life. I also believe I rationalized it by not seeing my wife as the victim of it all. It is all very screwed up.

At the beginning, the EA was a very convenient distraction. It kept me "busy" and "happy". I was nicer to be around and my spirits were high as the void was being filled. In my head, I could handle it and compartmentalised my home life and my "other" life. I told myself I wasn't harming anyone. I was just getting to know someone and we liked eachother's company. It was cool. I've got this.

My husband had told me to find something to do. I was bored as a SAHM, kept bothering him for attention and company. He had a meltdown and told me he couldn't cope with my demands anymore and I had to go find "something to do". God forbid, I found a hobby or an interest or a job. No, that wasn't interesting enough for precious ol' me.

I knew my "friendship" with AP was inappropriate but at any moment when this thought entered my head I would dismiss it instantly and replace it with gross justifications as to WHY I WAS ENTITLED to have a friend in my life. I accepted my behaviour because FINALLY I have someone who really listens, and pays attention and thinks I'm smart and beautiful and irristable and most importantly to me at that time, someone who gives a shit about my life, as no one else could care less about me.

My choices were limited at that time BUT I had choices. An affair was cowardly, cheap, a copout and above all I let myself down and everything I've ever stood for during my life. I've always looked down upon and judged "cheaters" as lowly characters. I'm ashamed of myself and my actions. I now wear the badge of being a wayward and no matter what I do I will carry that forever.

I'm petrified that I was capable of such behaviour. It was like I was someone else caught up in a sea of entitlement and selfishness.

I know there's a stop sign but for any BS's who are reading this, I hope it gives you some insight into a waywards fucked up thinking. Not that it excuses the pain we caused but gives you some insight.