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It's all spirally out of control!

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confused52204 posted 5/21/2013 07:53 AM

It's been since march 16th I've found all the details about his Craigslist adventures of 2 years (while we were dating). Got lie detector test done and he passed that. He does everything in his power to show me he loves me. He is ready to get married and start a family as we planned. We baught our dream house sept 2012. One week later everything started to crumble. I found CL evidence kept digging until I found the jackpot which I did! I wish I never found it!

I'm stuck in hell right now. We have had sex twice since we found out, we argue everyday. I can barely look at him but yet I can't let him go. He told md last night that he just can't live like this. I agree but yet I don't want to see him go. He has always been great to me. So great that I never had any fears of this happening. I can't make a decision to save my life right now. Wtf!

Tred posted 5/21/2013 08:12 AM

He has always been great to me

I'm going to disagree, or else you wouldn't be here going through hell because of him. He has shown you who he really is, it's up to you to believe him.

SoVerySadNow posted 5/21/2013 08:33 AM

I found CL evidence kept digging until I found the jackpot which I did! I wish I never found it!

It sounds like you are wishing you didn't know the facts of your life. Maybe so that you can go back to him "being great" to you. Reality is that he wasn't.
You need to take the time you need. Stop fighting and re-read up on the 180.

I'm sorry to sound harsh here, but it's your right to live a real life with real love. You know this stuff, judging by your registration date.

confused615 posted 5/21/2013 09:15 AM

He was not great to you...he was answering and placing ads on craigslist looking for men during 2 years of the time he was "so great." Who he really he,and who he showed you,are 2 different people.

Of course he's ready to move on and get married...he's embarrassed and humiliated that you found out his secret. He is desperate to move on and leave this in the past..he wants society,his family,his friends,to see him as a husband and a father...meanwhile who he really is is a man who is in denial about who he is..a man who is denying his sexuality.

I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were. I see here that you are fighting with him all the time,can't look at him,and clearly you are not happy with him. Because you know,deep down,that he is lying to you.

He may even be lying to himself. He may really think he's not bi or gay. For whatever reason..maybe he feels it's something to be ashamed of(it's not.. deceiving your wife is though)...maybe he is scared of the reaction from the people in his life..maybe he has convinced himself that he is straight.

But...here's the thing..straight men do not do what he did. They just don't. If they need an outlet for stress,they do not request pics of other men's penises. You know that..and *that* is why you are still spiraling out of control.

If he would just admit it,you could work with it. Bisexuals can be faithful,after all,cheating is a choice.(If he is gay,well,there's no working that out) But as long as he is lying or denying what is so clearly the truth,until he takes that first step, you can not even begin to think of R-ing with this man.

It took a year before WH admitted he was bisexual..a whole damn year. I knew it..I read everything in that email account...and I refused,absolutely refused, to allow him to hide his head in the sand(or the closet ). I knew that until he was honest about that,I would never be able to trust him again.


Big hugs,honey. Im sorry you're hurting.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:18 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

confused52204 posted 5/21/2013 09:49 AM

Confused615. How is ur situation going? I do believe he can be faithful to me. He has been so good to me but yet I'm still not accepting any of his actions that show me he loves me.

confused615 posted 5/21/2013 10:25 AM

My WH is still rugsweeping,and Im still wishing he would stop being selfish and just DO the things I need him to do...mostly talk to me about what he did..answer my questions..and really listen to me when I talk. I have an exit plan in the works.

Mousse242 posted 5/21/2013 10:34 AM

Are you in IC and MC?

confused52204 posted 5/21/2013 10:51 AM

We were in MC and I have been in IC for some time now. It really all comes down to me being able to accept his answers to my questions and moving on. I'm having trouble accepting. And if I do accept then I feel weak....

sisoon posted 5/21/2013 11:30 AM

It really all comes down to me being able to accept his answers to my questions and moving on. I'm having trouble accepting. And if I do accept then I feel weak....

I don't think 'accepting the answers' is the critical issue, though of course I can't be sure what the critical issue is.

Perhaps what you need to do is to accept that you're holding back for very good reasons.

My sitch is quite different from yours - neither my W nor I care if she's bi-sexual or straight, because she has explicitly and repeatedly committed to monogamy with me, and there's a lot of evidence her commitment is reliable. Among other things her IC/our MC says W is committed to me.

You've got a lot less evidence for your SO. In fact, mainly you've got words.

If you were excited about getting married, without hesitation but with an appreciation for the risk, I'd wish you well and be happy for you.

But you're holding back big time, so I say: Welcome your reluctance. Accept it. Honor it. Work through it, with your IC and with your SO.

Remember, you have to risk your relationship to save it. (And if it's not savable, you can survive and thrive.)

I think I can posted 5/21/2013 13:35 PM

"Move on"???? After a couple of months. After an entire relationship of lies?

Marriage and parenthood is frickin' hard work day in and day out. And so is R. And he "can't live like this" for two months???

Please do not entangle yourself with a guy who has given you ZERO reason to trust him. You do not need to make a decision right now--make it next year.

confused52204 posted 5/21/2013 14:08 PM

I know they are both hard work. Was married before. Got divorced bc he cheated right after we had a baby. I'm a single mom now. That was nearly 6 years ago. Yes her dad is very much involved in her life.

She loves my F to pieces. That is y it's so hard to make a decision. I can't break her heart while mine is breaking also!

StrongerOne posted 5/21/2013 17:34 PM

Don't have sex w him without protection. And get s thorough STD panel, both of you.

libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 17:37 PM

I agree with I think I can.

H and I were a great couple up until the birth of our first son. To me, that was the hardest challenge of our M. I think it's the hardest thing we ever went through...besides SI. Oh, and breastfeeding and working full time. That was hard too.

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