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allfalldown posted 5/21/2013 08:50 AM

I found this site a few weeks ago after I discovered emails including pictures of my WH and the OW on his computer. After lurking for a while, I hesitated posting because I am hurt and just trying to breathe in and out at the moment. Please do not reply if you have a mean response. I just want some advice on what to do with the information I have discovered. It is driving me crazy. WH confessed to A and we are both wanting to R. If I am committed to R then won't the emails and pictures just be a constant trigger? WH does not know I have a copy of the information saved.

MrsDoubtfire posted 5/21/2013 08:56 AM

Hi and welcome. Firstly breathe and breathe again.

If you both want R then get to marriage counselling and get FWH into IC. As for the emails and pictures?

Kept them for the moment but don't keep looking at them.

Hugs to you.

You may find it better to post in just found out forum too if you are very new (((()))))

confused615 posted 5/21/2013 09:01 AM

First,welcome to SI. No one will be mean to you. This is the kindest,most compassionate group of people you will ever "meet." You are safe here. You may hear advice you don't like,but no one will be mean or hurtful.

Second,save that evidence. And keep it a secret. Keep it somewhere email account that he is unaware of,perhaps? While transparency in R goes both ways,you are very,very new to betrayal. WS's usually lie and minimize at first(some for a very long time..some never stop) will need this evidence to compare it to what he tells you. If he tries to lie or gaslight(make you think you're crazy),you will need these emails to remind yourself of the truth..what he really said and did. There may come a day when you're ready to delete it all,but for now,keep it. The fact that he doesn't know you have all of this plays into your favor. In order to rebuild trust,he will have to be honest with you about everything...he will need to answer all of your questions and be completely transparent..if he will have proof and know he is not doing what he should be doing if he wants to save this marriage.

Again,welcome. Im so sorry this has happened. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. He is 100% responsible for his choice to cheat.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R?


* I just wanted to add,since this is in the R forum...while I agree for the most part that transparency goes both ways in a marriage,when a spouse is a NEW BS, they need to protect themselves..after all..the WS has just shown they are capable of great harm...I do not men for my advice to sound as if I think a BS has a right to secrecy when they expect transparency from their WS...but in the beginning,until the BS feels somewhat safe, I think they should keep some things..their sources..their evidence...etc...a secret. Absolutely.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:04 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

pretendingtobe posted 5/21/2013 09:06 AM

I am happy you found this site. You will get a lot of advice from people who really understand what you are going through and what you will be going through. The finding out about the "affair" is just the beginning. I hope you have begun reading from the The Healing Library, it is right underneath the Guidelines. The pictures and emails you found should be discussed with your partner when you feel ready. You are going to feel like you are on a very big never ending roller coaster, but you will need to find out what is good for you. The shock will save you for a bit, but when it wears off the emotions can get really crazy. Keep posting and reading, use the journal to keep your thoughts together. I don't want to scare you, but this is a difficult journey...check out the "The Healing Library."

allfalldown posted 5/21/2013 09:11 AM

Mean encompasses the harsh names and seemingly vindictive responses I have read for revenge, etc. I am a peaceful person. I found the information and sent copies to my email before I confronted WH. He admitted everything and we read the emails together and then he deleted, trashed and permanently deleted them in front of me. The A was already over. OW ended it about a month prior. WH was going to IC (different issue) and was working to tell me when I found the evidence.

confused615 posted 5/21/2013 10:32 AM

SO does not condone revenge. However,it is a normal reaction to betrayal.

As for the harsh names,everyone's situation is different,but some members are dealing with stalkers,OW who are claiming the BW's kids are hers,OW who were best friends with the BW,etc..there is alot of pain and anger involved in betrayal. And anger is very,very normal. And healthy in a situation like this.

The R forum is protected..there is no name calling the AP in this forum.

I stand by my advice to hang on to those emails. You may need them later.

Is the OW married? is her BH aware that his wife had an affair?

Is your WH 100% transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,and his cell,passwords included? Is he answering all of your questions without blame or defensiveness? Is he owning his actions without being angry with you? Is he NC with the OW? How has he proved that he is? Is he accountable for his time when he isn't with you?

losingmyground posted 5/21/2013 14:55 PM

I am almost a year out. I to found out about the affair after is was over due to facebook, emails, videos and pics.

I forwarded everything to my personal email, put them in their own folder and changed my password. I then contacted her husband and forwarded on all the information.

I still have it all and do not look at it. But feel safe knowing that if I ever needed proof in the future it is there.

libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 15:32 PM

Did you come from just asking. MOST of them are really mean when it comes to A's. ESPECIALLY, if they have never gone through one themselves. They all claim what "they would do." I can promise you, people really feel your pain firsthand here. So, there's no need for being insensitive.

Read, read, read. It's really helpful and people here are really nice. A LOT of them have been in your shoes.

Good luck, sweetie. I know it's hard, you will get through it...We're all here for you.

Yes, save them, but try not to look at them. I obsessed about my H's OW for months and months. Only you can decide how much pain you can take on a daily basis.

allfalldown posted 5/21/2013 17:58 PM

This is very overwhelming. OW is married. She sent a NC email to WH. I have always had access to all WH accounts and phone, etc. I never felt the need to check up on WH before. I stumbled on this by accident looking for an insurance number. Everything was deleted but still hanging out in the trash. I don't know what is happening from day to day.

avicarswife posted 5/21/2013 21:16 PM

Hi welcome to SI. Though I am so sorry you have had to find us.

Have you checked out the healing library? It is in the box to the top left. It has lots of information in it.

I too would keep the emails and pictures for now.

Do you know if the other woman's betrayed spouse knows about the affair? Sometimes affairs restart or go underground. Often wayward s get sort of addicted to the adrenaline high from an affair. If both partners are aware of it there are 2 people watching out. Also this woman's spouse has the right to know the truth about his marraige.

Have you had a health check up? A screen for STDs are important.

Most of our WS (even those with spouses who want R) minimise the facts about their behaviour. Be prepared for this - R is hard work, but there are plenty of couples on SI who so successfully.

Is your WH exploring in counselling why he had the affair in the first place?

Marriage counselling for you both - addressing the affair will be helpful as you reconcile.

Hang in there - it is an emotional roller coaster for a while.

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