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Newest Member: Gypsy2017 (60730)

User Topic: just finished "after the affair"
♀ 39082
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished "After the Affair" and I found it very helpful. My husband wants to read it too, which I find encouraging. He says he believes he is ready to come back to us, he lives me and wants to be married, but he is feeling apprehensive because of all that has transpired. I can understand that and I told him I was apprehensive too. He still isn't sure where he sees himself and us in 5 years, but he wants to try to heal our marriage. If it doesn't work, at least we tried.
I have asked him to completly stop contact with the OW, except as is necessary for school, and if it is, I want to be told about it. I am not sure what his decision will be about that, but he clearly knows that if he wants to come back and give reconciliation a true go, he needs to stop all communication.
I feel like we are getting there, but its a long process to even get to a place where we can begin reconciling!

Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H read After the Affair and asked me to read it too. I did. We both found it very helpful esp bc our intention is to R.

Mind me asking why your H need to talk to her for school purposes? Do they work together?

Ok - never mind. Just read that they do work together.

He can make an effort to NOT speak to her whenever possible. Not sit in the same group in the lunch room, meetings, etc. But he needs to have that conversation with her or perhaps write a letter that you witness. ie: saying that NC would be the best possible solutation but bc it not possible given our work situation, I would ask for your respect in refraining from speaking to me unless absolutely necessary given that my #1 priority is R with my wife.

She needs to know that YOU are his #1. You come first.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:14 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think you need to be MUCH firmer on the NC requirement. Since he couldn't stop contact before, I would make NO contact a requirement for R. Otherwise he will likely not be successful and it will torture you.

In addition, his focus should be more on fixing himself than your marriage.

I read this book as well, and while ok, I belive "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass to be far superior. In addition, there is a quick read by Linda McDonald called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" that he should be required to read before proceeding to R.

Best of luck.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8012 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I told my H I would be a lot happier with him if he changed jobs. He started a new job last month.

Every time he would go to work (at a bar where there's women, booze, and working till 2am), I would get so angry and send him hate text messages. I know! I was seriously out of control with my emotions. Now, I have no problem with him going to work. That's just my story.

If I were you, I would tell him how much it hurts you for him to see her regularly.

Sorry, just read your tag lines. You are S. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:26 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Least he said he "loves" you. He'll have to prove it with NC and remorse.

Haven't read that book you said but would have to recommend "Not just friends". Excellent read. Especially since he still has some contact with OW.

I too am apprehensive and so is WW. She not only because of what she's done to the marriage, but also because she's a mess.

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: divorced.

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 5

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