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WH Lashing out and so angry!

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hurtmotherof2 posted 5/21/2013 09:40 AM

Please read my profile for an update as to what has been happening over the last several months.. I decided i needed a trial separation to make a decision on whether i want to be married anymore.. Here is some of the text messages I got last night after him screaming at me and guilting me on the phone about our young boys.. sorry this is so long..I need support please!

From WH:

"i appreciate your selfish self centered detached attitude. I always knew u were an asshole i just didnt know how big"

I told him he didnt have to be so mean so Here's another one

"""i'm being mean? look in the mirror. we dealt with the affair 3 years ago so please do yourself and me a huge favor and stop blaming this on me and btw other people think its a poor excuse too. U want to be single again at all costs. That's what u want ok lets call it what it is. For what reason is stil a mystery but fuck me and the kids and everything we've worked for since the time we've been married. You have convinced yourself that it's ok to screw us all over so u can have what you want. U see this as a sign of strenght? Serioulsy? on what planet are quitters considered strong? call it guilt i dont fucking care its a fact. i'm sorry that fact makes u feel guilty and no amount of bullshit u pile on top of it will change that. u are going to destroy our marriage just like i almost did b4 i realized it wasn't all about me and what i wanted and desired. I'm calling your mom maybe she can talk some sense into you. I hate to do it but it's like you've lost your mind or something"""

I responded with "call my mom.. no one is going to make this decision for me'

Here was his response

"i know you seem to think that the most important thing in the world is not letting anyone that loves you give you any advice about what your throwing away! This is crazy and this isn't like you. I'm sorry that family and marriage and commitment have become such dirty words to you""

I didnt respond to that message but then the final text message I got for the night was this

"Oct 1 is when your either back in or we call a real estate agent and a lawyer. I'm sorry you are willing to give up 50% of your kids lives without trying anything to make it work. I'm sorry you dont love me enough to try. we both have dependency issues and u know it.(he refers to the few glasses of wine i drink to help me sleep) I am determined to fix mine. We will alternate who is in the house each month. I am keeping my ring on and not dating. U do what you want. I apologize for all the things i've done to hurt u. We made a great team for a long time. My heart is breaking. Kids n bills from here on out. Have a good night""

My response was "kids and bills from here on out .. u can keep your ring on your choice..i need separation.. we will see what happens""

any support advice would really be appreciated.. i'm having a weak moment right now..

Jayne Doe posted 5/21/2013 10:07 AM

This is typical, normal behavior from them. Been there, done that. It was almost laughable the verbal lashing he gave me...altho I wasn't laughing then!

It's that moment that they realize that there IS consequences for their actions. So they flip out, turn it around and blame YOU.

This is the time when you need to go NC. Go ahead with that trial separation. Let him see what life is like without you in it. Either he will do anything to get your back, or he won't.
NC is soooo hard. Omg... but you are doing it for YOU for your sanity.

After I got the verbal lashing, I told him that was that. No more phone calls. Emails or texts only. That way we could both go back and delete anything that should not be said before hitting send.
It's so hard, but now is the moment you put your foot down and say enough.

Sending you strength (((Hurtmother))) You can do this.

ErinHa posted 5/21/2013 10:19 AM

You are right about the bills and kid thing, sounds like there are so many issues flying around in these text messages that you need a mental break.

It's very complicated right now and you are doing the right thing by taking some time off and thinking it through, it's a HUGE decision.

Do not reply to his messages and fuel the fire. One thing I know for sure is there is no talking and/or fixing this right now...way too gulity/blamy going on.

lieshurt posted 5/21/2013 10:25 AM

My exwh did the exact same thing to me. He failed to change, so everything ended up being my fault.

They pull out every trick in the book to manipulate you with. Ignore him.

doggiemom12 posted 5/21/2013 15:17 PM

Sounds exactly like my bipolar NPD ex.

Things will never ever be ok with him. So go forward, get the divorce, put up with what you have to to get free. It will only get worse from here if you stay with him.

Good luck to you. Get a lawyer and move half the money into an account only you can access. Get the hell out as soon as you can.

Nature_Girl posted 5/21/2013 15:32 PM

I'm so sorry. That must have absolutely gutted you to read. ((((HUGS)))) May I suggest that you have a trusted friend or relative read his texts before you do? That way they can pull out whatever is actually necessary for you to respond to - if anything - and you don't have to read anything that's hurtful.

Ashland13 posted 5/21/2013 15:50 PM

I'm really sorry, hurt mom.

I think these are good ideas and esp. the one talking about having someone else read the messages ahead of you. Protection of ourselves is a really hard thing to fight for, but we have to, esp. for our kids.

STBXH/Perv has done similar things and still yells at me and bullies. Even if it costs money, I don't respond until I contact my lawyer or not at all, FWIW. Sometimes I've had to call IC to ask her how to calm down and that helps and she often has good ideas.

Sometimes not responding at all is really beneficial and they spend their anger on something-or something else.

It sounds like a guilt trip to me, where maybe your WH doesn't want to have consequences for not staying within M boundaries. Maybe he thought he could have an A an you would always be there...but you are showing backbone and self-respect and I think a non-remorseful WS isn't going to like that, especially one who is a bully like I have.

Mine worked really hard to also make all the problems mine and not things he had done, just something to watch for in the lashing out process. And if you can get on a high road and stay on it somehow, it will be something to have and hold at the end of the day. Some days, it's all I have besides my cat and the shirt on my back...but if I can not respond to the bullying, I am better and proud of myself. Sometimes it's fuel to do again.

And there is the whole blameshifting side of things that sound like your WH may be trying? He did the deed but didn't choose to end the M and that's what STBXH did too. Then he started making excuses I heard through the grapevine for why he didn't file, but he's PA and makes me do anything hard...from day one.

So anyway, I hope some of my bizarre story may help.

I have a friend who says, "It's like I have three kids, not two, and one's overgrown!!!" I feel it, too!

Take2 posted 5/21/2013 16:07 PM

HMo2 - All I can tell you is that if I were 3 years out from a two year long affair and was dealing with those behaviors (listed in your profile) they would have had me double thinking things too. In fact, I'd have told him to get out and to use the number he procured.

And if you didn't catch it: The line about "what other people think" - is a red flag -- NPD style manipulation.

Pre-affair his behavior would have led to a lot of issues in the M. Now, post-affair they'd be dealbreakers on my end.

eta: Not saying this is what you should do... just that what you are feeling is totally understandable!!

[This message edited by Take2 at 4:32 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

damncutekitty posted 5/22/2013 08:17 AM

Wow, because if you want to win someone back the best way to do that is be an ASSHOLE.

He doesn't want a wife. He wants a fulltime maid and nanny he can fuck... when he's not out fucking other women. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

TrustGone posted 5/22/2013 09:20 AM

I read your profile and updates and couldn't agree with you more. I don't care if it's been 3yrs or 30yrs, this shit never goes away totally. There will always be trust issues, especially after a LTA and anytime they screw those up, it sends a BS right back to DDay and then we have to start the process of trying to heal all over again. After a while this will make the BS start to detach themselves from the marriage in order to spare yourself more pain. BTDT. He is the one that cheated and changed the rules. Now he doesn't like the consequences of his actions. I look at it like how hard can it be to ask yourself "would my spouse not like this if I do it and would it upset my spouse if they found out considering what I did before". This is what is called earning your trust again.

The WS's actions are what determines whether a marriage can survive an affair. Continued sneaking around and lying by omission kills trust. I have let my WH#2 know this recently when he was lying by omission about OW attempting to break NC and him trying to call her to stop texting him. I know he didn't talk to her, but he did talk to her answering machine and told her to leave us alone. Of course I had to find this out on my own and he knows he is skating on very thin ice. This set him back to <0 in the trust department. I have told him I will not spend the rest of my life being his warden. It's not what I signed up for when I got married and one more lie or omission and he will find himself in D court.

Do not let him bully you into this being your fault. It is his actions that has caused all of this. Reading his text saying he realized it wasn't all about him is BS. He is the one that quit the marriage the day he decided to have a LTA with a co-worker. He just wants you to forget it now, rug sweep it, and he gets back on the slippery slope and sets himself up for another affair. He just can't see the forest for the trees at this point. Is he in IC? (((HUGS)))

movingforward13 posted 5/22/2013 10:54 AM

Have you both tried counseling. Your marriage won't last if you both don't go. You both have too many issues to hash out, individually and together.

tabitha95 posted 5/22/2013 11:17 AM

When I read this, I may have misconstrued something, but I just felt like he thinks it is only about having sex with someone. The behaviors before, during and after A's are actually what is most damaging to the M, IMHO.

hurtmotherof2 posted 5/23/2013 12:09 PM

Thank you all for your advice and support.. I am doing the 180 and the only contact we have is via texting and it's only about our boys...

I am in IC and he told me he would be calling to seek IC himself so I can only pray and hope he does so that he can get his anger under control....

imagoodwitch posted 5/24/2013 15:19 PM

I kind of want to punch him in the throat.

I remember getting emails like this when I said I wanted to D.

Reading the texts he sent to you triggered me a little.

It's funny, he killed your marriage by having an A and he's mad at you for wanting to give it a proper burial by S and possible D.

It's crazy making.

It's called a consequence.

Don't engage him, he's not a remorseful H and he's not owning his shit and he's blameshifting.

Don't let him get to you.

[This message edited by imagoodwitch at 4:20 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Housefulloflove posted 5/24/2013 15:48 PM

Ugh! The anger of an unremorseful spouse is so crazy-making! They did an unspeakably horrible thing to us but they feel justified in being angry at us for....feeling betrayed/heartbroken? Attempting to put the pieces of our hearts together and moving on? Not accepting the blame? Not developing amnesia immediately after DDay?!? It's ridiculous.

The blameshifting, projecting, justifications, etc. that my STBX uses to fuel his misdirected anger and blame the consequences on me sends me over the edge!

alphakitte posted 5/24/2013 16:00 PM

Saying that other people think that blaming your husband's lack of boundaries with women, buddies and strip clubs as a poor excuse for separation, or divorce, is a form of triangulating and triangulation is used by manipulators to avoid true intimacy and to coerce.

He used triangulation, again, when he threatened to call your mother. Your response was most appropriate.

You husband hasn't committed "indiscretions" he has made multiple bad choices exhibiting a lack of boundaries to keep you safe. He has proven to be untrustworthy.

No further explanation, on your part, will create understanding on his part. Besides attempting to manipulate you he has chosen to threaten you with an October date. Unless of course you decide earlier than that.

Crickets are what he should hear unless it is something absolutely necessary regarding the boys, or finances. Don't respond to another volley - it changes nothing.

Being untrustworthy, and unfaithful is to marriage what murder is to life. The person that committed those acts didn't "almost" destroy their marriage - they in fact did destroy it.

Hurtmotherof2, I sent you a PM.

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