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T/J....:Losing a loved one

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Undefinabl3 posted 5/21/2013 09:56 AM

Ever since I have had children, i have a REALLY hard time with anything to do with the loss of kids.

I stopped watching CSI, Criminal Minds, all of the Law and Orders, and any movie that 'fucks with the kids'....I just can't do it, it hits too close to home.

My problem is that every time I hear about a loss, it comes with 'I wish I would have let them eat more cake, or done this or done that'....and I will think the same....until I realize that I am not sure I am supposed to.

I struggle with my inner desire to make their lives the best most magical lives i can give them.....while also giving them structure, rules, responsiblities, and manners. Teaching them that they will not always get what they want, and chocolate ice cream is not something they can eat for breakfast everyday.

I did it with my Grama's when they passed and after 6 years, i still have guilt that I didnt play 'that' game of canasta, or helped her make 'that' pie, you know?

So how do you balance this kind of thing, how to I be ok with missing out on time that I didnt know I was missing out on?

JustDone posted 5/21/2013 10:19 AM

I think that's the job of being parents - the balance of fun and responsibility that you speak of.

If they are never told "no", there are big (usually bad) consequences. On the other hand, if they are never told "yes', there are others...

So, balance is the key. And not watching those shows. I agree.

Sad in AZ posted 5/21/2013 10:20 AM

By living your life in a manner that doesn't make you ask this question. Seize the day; live life to it's fullest. Loosen up; don't let chores bog you down so that you don't have fun. Do what pleases you and you know will please others whenever you can rather than waiting for the 'right' moment.

Live you life so that you have no regrets.

TrustNoOne posted 5/21/2013 10:32 AM

Live without regret, Undefinabl3.

You will never be the *perfect* - daughter, sister, granddaughter, wife, mom, employee, etc etc.

Life must go on - and that means not living in fear that each moment is your last...while still appreciating that it could be.

Your children need rules, structure, discipline and boundaries. Eating eggs for breakfast instead of chocolate ice cream is a gift of love you give to them - it's healthy, responsible and important. :)

Live well. Live with integrity. Live with honor. Love totally - with your whole self. And live without regret.

simplydevastated posted 5/21/2013 10:44 AM

I'm with you. I've stopped watching those shows as well, for the same reason "leave the kids alone."

I did it with my Grama's when they passed and after 6 years, i still have guilt that I didnt play 'that' game of canasta, or helped her make 'that' pie, you know?

I do this as well. I recently lost my Aunt, my favorite person. She was the one person who you could talk to with fear of being judged. She was an amazing person. Now that she's gone I regret not seeing her as often as I should. I didn't live that far away from her and I'm unemployed, what's my excuse? I can't say I'm too busy. So I will hold onto that for the rest of my life, I'm sure of it.

But like the other say parenting is balance. Sure you could say there's no rules, they do whatever they want, eat whatever they want, but in the end what you be teaching them? There are rules for everyone to follow no matter where we go. It's part of living together as a society and the rules we set down when they are young, in my opinion, prepares them to follow the rules of society when they get older.

Teaching them not to eat ice cream for breakfast but to have a eggs, cereal and juice teaches them proper portions and gives them healthy eating habits. Teaching them to wash their hands after using the bathroom gives them proper hygiene, more healthy habits. Sometimes we have to be the "bad guy" and set down tougher rules that they may not like but ultimately they will benefit from them when they are grown. It does come down to balance. Know when to parent and when to be the friend.

The other night I'm playing checkers with my son and we were trash talking each other "You're going down!" "If you win you're grounded." Usually that's when we have the best conversations and I'm in my "friend" role. Then when I have to get into my "mom" role they listen much better than if I was constantly saying "do this, do that, do this." It's all balance.

I hope my ramblings helped.

Pentup posted 5/21/2013 12:56 PM

Ask yourself these two questions:
1. Will this help my child be a better citizen, spouse, parent when they arE grown?
2. If I don't do this will I regret it when I am 80?

Chocolate ice cream for breakfast? Nope to both.

Playing forts in the living room with all the blankets and popcorn for dinner? Questionable for 1. Yes to #2. It is a go!

Sad in AZ posted 5/21/2013 15:54 PM

Will this help my child be a better citizen, spouse, parent when they arE grown?

Did you ever hear of fun for fun's sake? Fun is what helps your child grow up to be a better citizen/spouse/parent.

My only question when raising DS was 'Is it likely to kill him?' If the answer was no, it was all good. He's a very good and productive citizen/spouse/parent to his pups

kernel posted 5/21/2013 19:40 PM

I think you have to accept that you cannot control everything, so work on the things where you can make a difference, such as manners and discipline, good nutrition, rules and responsibilities. At the same time, it's okay to have fun. I have let my kids have cake and ice cream for breakfast before, as a special treat whether for a birthday or for no reason other than to make them smile. Obviously, not on a regular basis, just as a surprise. Guess what, no lasting harm and it's the kind of thing they remember as special. So, look for a balance - you do the best you can to the best of your ability, and try to let the guilt go. Use that energy to enjoy your kids and the time you have with them. They grow up so fast!

Pentup posted 5/22/2013 08:44 AM

Sad, that is the point of question 2.

Personally, I have been around too many children whose parents only care about keeping the child happy and not giving them any responsibility. That often makes for irresponsible spoiled adults who make bad choices. In fact, can cause one to at a site dedicated to helping people recover from bad choices.

My parents gave me and my siblings a fantastic childhood complete with more fun than almost anyone I know. They also required that we be respectful, caring of others feelings and responsible in order to have those privileges. Not a bad combo in my opinion.

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