My apologies in advance. This is long and contains many excruciatingly trivial details. Please forgive me. I'm just trying to understand it all.
Because I have no concrete solid irrefutable proof, I may not belong here.
Maybe all it really is is all these abusive and controlling manipulative people I've been around.
Just dealt with years and years of symptoms, weird coincidences and all the abusive statements and manipulations that go along with this sort of thing(infidelity)
If anyone has been following my posting history, they will recall that I have been dealing with world class manipulators for years. Specifically my H, his XW and SD.
Some of the mind games have been too horrific to list here. They weren't just garden variety mind games-they were things a psychopath would dream up.
Things that could have ruined lives if I didn't have that one nerve of steel left.
All these years, nobody ever admitted how abusive and devious they were. They all just went on like nothing ever happened as long as I stayed in line and let everyone run over me. And I was the crazy one if I tried not to let them run me over.
Some months ago, my husband finally admitted that he/they did do that. Bully for him. But he just can't understand why I'm not over it. Why can't I just let go. You know what they say...
Like I can just undo all these years of extreme damage from dealing with these toxic people. I know when I am demanded to just get over it, it's because they don't want to deal with how awful they've been. Fine, but leave me the fuck alone and let me process it all and heal in my own time, okay? Problem is, I've dealt with this crap for years. I've had to fight back against all these people saying I'm crazy, jealous, alcoholic, rude whatever.
I have just tried to detach from everyone and take the high road. Which usually works, but now SD is getting married and I'm going to be thrown in with all of these people who have listened to her lies all these years and taken her side, as far as I know. Plus H has lied about me to some of these people.
I don't want to go there. I was planning on attending the wedding, but we've never really been close and I don't want to be with all these people who don't really like me anyway, so I wasn't planning on going to the bridal shower. I was going to attend the rehearsal dinner just to be there with my family, who are all in the wedding.
Now I'm not even sure I want to go to any of it.
Last night, H called SD to let her know that she got some mail here.
This is leading to something-bear with me-here's a laengthy background story:
Several weeks ago, he told her we(11y/o daughter and I) would not be attending the bridal shower. I have nothing in common with these people and would just be kind of an outsider. I will gladly send a gift though, and I appreciate being invited.
Last week, the MOH called demanding to know why I'm not going. Last I heard, RSVP was yes or no and number of people attending, not why.
I said that I had already declined before, stated again that I would not attend, but I would be glad to send a gift.
That should have been the end of it, right?
I am waiting for the MOH to say something like ,"Well, we'd really like to see you there, but if you can't go... just thought I'd ask" and then excuse herself to continue planning this wedding. You know-the kind of thing a normal, healthy person might say.
She just sat on the phone liked I owed her a major explanation. I had already told her several times I wasn't going to attend, but I'll send a gift. I'm not about to say anything like "Because I'm trying not to deal with toxic people anymore so I can heal and get on with life"
She continues to just sit there waiting for me to say something.
I finally said, "Look, I gotta get dinner on the table, okay?" I tried to be polite, but I guess it didn't work.
No response. So I hung up. And put dinner on the table like I said.
Later, SD calls, wanting to know why I was so rude and why I hung up on the MOH.
By now, I am feeling very badgered and manipulated and it's pissing me off. And I'm getting even madder because I know she's going to start a big scene and poor mouth me to her dad like she always does when she doesn't get her way or I'm trying to maintain a boundary.
But I am trying to be polite and I don't mention any of this.
There were weird, awkward silences, because I know I'm being manipulated, but I've never been able to fight back against it without everyone turning on me.
I'm trying very hard to control myself and not go off on anybody, not say anything cruel, just be polite. Like usual.
And I'm kind of shocked for the moment that after all these years, she's still running all these stupid games. I got disgusted and just handed the phone to her father. I was done for the night.
Okay-there's the background story from last week let's continue our story at last night's phone call.
The convo turns from the piece of mail to the wedding details. Again, I decline to go and offer to send a gift. I am asked if 11 y/o daughter will be there.
I tell her I am not going to force her to go and I won't force her to stay home-she can do what she likes.
11 y/o told me this AM she was going, but just for the food. The plan is H will take her and go hang with son in law. I'm not to keen on her going with these manipulators(SD & XW)present. I don't know if she's old enough yet to see them for what they are. But if I say no, then I'm controlling her.
Again, I can't tell her the real reason I'm not going. Trying to escape toxic people. Yeah, right. That's really gonna fly.
I just stick with my original story of not being very social. Which I'm not, but I can bite the bullet in normal company.(non-toxic) I went to a big party back in January. Didn't know anybody. Everything was just fine, the food was great and I actually enjoyed it.
She starts to cry. Tells me she can't understand why a major female figure in her life(we are not very close at all and she has always kind of worked dad against me which almost broke us up several times)would not be there to support her.
I'm not giving in. So she wants to talk to her dad.
I hand dad the phone and I can tell after a minute or two that it's really going south.
I start to get the feeling she's telling her father lies about me.
So I did something very sneaky and underhanded.
I picked up the other phone and listened as she told her father she couldn't understand why I had this bad attitude, hung up on her, was rude to her because I was drunk off my ass(I'd had a couple but I wasn't drunk off my ass because I was watering lawns, cleaning a BBQ and getting dinner ready)one lie after another.
My husband knew I picked up the phone. He let her go on and on and on like this before he told her that I heard the whole thing b/c I was listening the entire time.
At that point, she began to lay it on very thick. Started saying I don't care about her and her wedding.
Dad doesn't care about her and her wedding.
Crying. Shouting. Badgering. Manipulating. Twisting her father's words around so she can make him feel guilty.
Here and there when asked why I was so mean(I wasn't mean I was just trying to stop being manipulated)I explained very calmly that at a certain point, I had started to feel badgered and manipulated and it was making me mad.
I told her that nobody likes to be badgered and manipulated.
In all of these exchanges, I was very calm. I never raised my voice. My husband was a different story though. He was addressing some incidents that should have been addressed a long time ago. He was yelling and screaming, but it wasn't over unfounded stuff. He was feeling manipulated too. He can dish that out, but he sure can't take it. But I digress.
This all went round and round for at least an hour.
H finally said just hang up. Just hang up.
Even though SD lied about me to her dad and tried everything possible to manipulate both of us and turn him against me, I still wound up feeling kind of sorry for her. Some day, everyone is going to figure out what she's doing if she's doing them like that. And they won't be happy about it.
And I feel kind of guilty for picking up the phone and listening in.
But I wasn't about to let her get away with it yet again.
I'm tired of all these people stomping all over me.
Anyway, it appears that for once in my life, H took my side instead of throwing me under the bus like an empty soda can.
We'll see what happens.
I'm not going to count on it.
I was trying to see it all like maybe she's just being a bridezilla and it will all blow over.
But she's still trying to cause friction between me and my husband after all these years.
I really don't know if I want to support her at her wedding when she has tried to mess my marriage up so many times by bad mouthing me to her father.
I am also left wondering.
If I didn't pick up the phone, would he have just let her go on tearing me down and lying about me like that?
Or did he only act like he was taking my side because there was no denying what was happening?
Am I overreacting?
Was it low and sneaky to pick up the phone like that?
This is all so confusing.
And while I feel good about standing my ground and letting a bit of truth out there and exposing this behaviour, I am a bit worried about the blowback.
It's bound to get very ugly and I'm dreading it.