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loveisareddress posted 5/21/2013 11:13 AM

My apologies in advance. This is long and contains many excruciatingly trivial details. Please forgive me. I'm just trying to understand it all.

Because I have no concrete solid irrefutable proof, I may not belong here.

Maybe all it really is is all these abusive and controlling manipulative people I've been around.

Just dealt with years and years of symptoms, weird coincidences and all the abusive statements and manipulations that go along with this sort of thing(infidelity)

If anyone has been following my posting history, they will recall that I have been dealing with world class manipulators for years. Specifically my H, his XW and SD.

Some of the mind games have been too horrific to list here. They weren't just garden variety mind games-they were things a psychopath would dream up.

Things that could have ruined lives if I didn't have that one nerve of steel left.

All these years, nobody ever admitted how abusive and devious they were. They all just went on like nothing ever happened as long as I stayed in line and let everyone run over me. And I was the crazy one if I tried not to let them run me over.

Some months ago, my husband finally admitted that he/they did do that. Bully for him. But he just can't understand why I'm not over it. Why can't I just let go. You know what they say...

Like I can just undo all these years of extreme damage from dealing with these toxic people. I know when I am demanded to just get over it, it's because they don't want to deal with how awful they've been. Fine, but leave me the fuck alone and let me process it all and heal in my own time, okay? Problem is, I've dealt with this crap for years. I've had to fight back against all these people saying I'm crazy, jealous, alcoholic, rude whatever.

I have just tried to detach from everyone and take the high road. Which usually works, but now SD is getting married and I'm going to be thrown in with all of these people who have listened to her lies all these years and taken her side, as far as I know. Plus H has lied about me to some of these people.

I don't want to go there. I was planning on attending the wedding, but we've never really been close and I don't want to be with all these people who don't really like me anyway, so I wasn't planning on going to the bridal shower. I was going to attend the rehearsal dinner just to be there with my family, who are all in the wedding.

Now I'm not even sure I want to go to any of it.

Last night, H called SD to let her know that she got some mail here.

This is leading to something-bear with me-here's a laengthy background story:

Several weeks ago, he told her we(11y/o daughter and I) would not be attending the bridal shower. I have nothing in common with these people and would just be kind of an outsider. I will gladly send a gift though, and I appreciate being invited.

Last week, the MOH called demanding to know why I'm not going. Last I heard, RSVP was yes or no and number of people attending, not why.

I said that I had already declined before, stated again that I would not attend, but I would be glad to send a gift.

That should have been the end of it, right?

I am waiting for the MOH to say something like ,"Well, we'd really like to see you there, but if you can't go... just thought I'd ask" and then excuse herself to continue planning this wedding. You know-the kind of thing a normal, healthy person might say.

She just sat on the phone liked I owed her a major explanation. I had already told her several times I wasn't going to attend, but I'll send a gift. I'm not about to say anything like "Because I'm trying not to deal with toxic people anymore so I can heal and get on with life"

She continues to just sit there waiting for me to say something.

I finally said, "Look, I gotta get dinner on the table, okay?" I tried to be polite, but I guess it didn't work.

No response. So I hung up. And put dinner on the table like I said.

Later, SD calls, wanting to know why I was so rude and why I hung up on the MOH.

By now, I am feeling very badgered and manipulated and it's pissing me off. And I'm getting even madder because I know she's going to start a big scene and poor mouth me to her dad like she always does when she doesn't get her way or I'm trying to maintain a boundary.

But I am trying to be polite and I don't mention any of this.

There were weird, awkward silences, because I know I'm being manipulated, but I've never been able to fight back against it without everyone turning on me.

I'm trying very hard to control myself and not go off on anybody, not say anything cruel, just be polite. Like usual.

And I'm kind of shocked for the moment that after all these years, she's still running all these stupid games. I got disgusted and just handed the phone to her father. I was done for the night.

Okay-there's the background story from last week let's continue our story at last night's phone call.

The convo turns from the piece of mail to the wedding details. Again, I decline to go and offer to send a gift. I am asked if 11 y/o daughter will be there.

I tell her I am not going to force her to go and I won't force her to stay home-she can do what she likes.

11 y/o told me this AM she was going, but just for the food. The plan is H will take her and go hang with son in law. I'm not to keen on her going with these manipulators(SD & XW)present. I don't know if she's old enough yet to see them for what they are. But if I say no, then I'm controlling her.

Again, I can't tell her the real reason I'm not going. Trying to escape toxic people. Yeah, right. That's really gonna fly.

I just stick with my original story of not being very social. Which I'm not, but I can bite the bullet in normal company.(non-toxic) I went to a big party back in January. Didn't know anybody. Everything was just fine, the food was great and I actually enjoyed it.

She starts to cry. Tells me she can't understand why a major female figure in her life(we are not very close at all and she has always kind of worked dad against me which almost broke us up several times)would not be there to support her.

I'm not giving in. So she wants to talk to her dad.

I hand dad the phone and I can tell after a minute or two that it's really going south.

I start to get the feeling she's telling her father lies about me.

So I did something very sneaky and underhanded.

I picked up the other phone and listened as she told her father she couldn't understand why I had this bad attitude, hung up on her, was rude to her because I was drunk off my ass(I'd had a couple but I wasn't drunk off my ass because I was watering lawns, cleaning a BBQ and getting dinner ready)one lie after another.

My husband knew I picked up the phone. He let her go on and on and on like this before he told her that I heard the whole thing b/c I was listening the entire time.

At that point, she began to lay it on very thick. Started saying I don't care about her and her wedding.

Dad doesn't care about her and her wedding.

Crying. Shouting. Badgering. Manipulating. Twisting her father's words around so she can make him feel guilty.

Here and there when asked why I was so mean(I wasn't mean I was just trying to stop being manipulated)I explained very calmly that at a certain point, I had started to feel badgered and manipulated and it was making me mad.

I told her that nobody likes to be badgered and manipulated.

In all of these exchanges, I was very calm. I never raised my voice. My husband was a different story though. He was addressing some incidents that should have been addressed a long time ago. He was yelling and screaming, but it wasn't over unfounded stuff. He was feeling manipulated too. He can dish that out, but he sure can't take it. But I digress.

This all went round and round for at least an hour.

H finally said just hang up. Just hang up.

Even though SD lied about me to her dad and tried everything possible to manipulate both of us and turn him against me, I still wound up feeling kind of sorry for her. Some day, everyone is going to figure out what she's doing if she's doing them like that. And they won't be happy about it.

And I feel kind of guilty for picking up the phone and listening in.

But I wasn't about to let her get away with it yet again.

I'm tired of all these people stomping all over me.

Anyway, it appears that for once in my life, H took my side instead of throwing me under the bus like an empty soda can.

We'll see what happens.

I'm not going to count on it.

I was trying to see it all like maybe she's just being a bridezilla and it will all blow over.

But she's still trying to cause friction between me and my husband after all these years.

I really don't know if I want to support her at her wedding when she has tried to mess my marriage up so many times by bad mouthing me to her father.

I am also left wondering.

If I didn't pick up the phone, would he have just let her go on tearing me down and lying about me like that?

Or did he only act like he was taking my side because there was no denying what was happening?

Am I overreacting?

Was it low and sneaky to pick up the phone like that?

This is all so confusing.

And while I feel good about standing my ground and letting a bit of truth out there and exposing this behaviour, I am a bit worried about the blowback.

It's bound to get very ugly and I'm dreading it.

Mousse242 posted 5/21/2013 11:24 AM

Why are you still with this man and his family?

loveisareddress posted 5/21/2013 11:32 AM

Why are you still with this man and his family?

I ask myself this question repeatedly.

I am trying to get healthier so if I need to go, I can.

I'm kind of a mess right now.

Lucky posted 5/21/2013 11:35 AM

Why are you still with this man and his family?

Ditto? Why are you there?

atsenaotie posted 5/21/2013 11:39 AM

I would stop worrying how you appear to this odd group and work on 180 for you. Stop worrying about blowback, stop worrying what any of gthem has to say.

I know this is hard, but the 180 will help you to work in that direction.

I see your WH admitted how they treat you, what about his A? What is he doing to take care of you?

I know it takes time to get ducks in a row and strength, but I would be looking to leave.

Forget the gift, forget appearances, do what works for you.

loveisareddress posted 5/21/2013 11:40 AM

When I said maybe I don't really belong here, I was referring to SI not my situation.

Getting to Happy posted 5/21/2013 11:41 AM

Damn!!! Talk about scorched earth!

Am I overreacting?

NO. After years of abuse, the abusers are not used to the abused standing their ground. Bullies always back down when their prey grows a pair.

Was it low and sneaky to pick up the phone like that?

No and double no! It is your house, and your phone. You home is your domain. All actions that impact your home life are your prerogative to know.

loveisareddress now is your chance to teach them all how to treat you. With RESPECT!

I think some Bitch Boots are in order!

JanaGreen posted 5/21/2013 11:43 AM

((HUGS)) they sound awful. I think you should continue to work on you and block them out as much as possible.

JanaGreen posted 5/21/2013 11:45 AM

((HUGS)) they sound awful. I think you should continue to work on you and block them out as much as possible.

housenotahome posted 5/21/2013 12:07 PM

Wow. That is so much to deal with. My situation was similar but on a much smaller scale. How will you ever be able to recover being distracted by all that dysfunction and drama? As far as these people are concerned, there is nothing to recover from. Everything is about them and you should be able to put it all behind you because its happy time. These people are not smart enough to understand genuine reaction and you couldn't explain it to them if you drew it with a crayon. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Let them do what they're going to do. If you're lucky, they'll anger you enough not to show up at the wedding.

Problem is, I've dealt with this crap for years. I've had to fight back against all these people saying I'm crazy, jealous, alcoholic, rude whatever.
Whether this is true or not of you, they are mirroring their own behavior. Who ever owns it, walks away the winner. Don't deal with a bunch of losers.

tushnurse posted 5/21/2013 12:54 PM

You are sooo beaten down you feel bad about listening in on a phone call that you knew was going to be detrimental to your well being?

Honey please go get help, and get out. Those people are not deserving of your time, attention, and feelings. They have shown you that.

You feel out of sorts because you stood up for yourself. You are confused because it felt good, and you were vindicated by your H. You demanded respect, and you got it. You are not used to that feeling, and being somewhat empowered, and now are feeling out of sorts, because you are a little less broken down than you were last week. Keep building on that, and say F those people. You did good. Be proud.

((((and strength)))))

loveisareddress posted 5/21/2013 17:25 PM

Thanks for the hugs everybody.

Thanks for listening.

I will be trying to just continue the detachment or semi-180 as long as it's like this.

Sometimes, I have to put it out there and share with you guys for a reality check.

I really want to just go on and love everyone, but people who manipulate like that see kindness and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings as weakness. They take advantage of your desire to be authentic and good to people.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me. How can there be so many manipulative, narcissistic people out there? Maybe it is just me!

But now I'm starting to believe it's kind of a widespread, cultural kind of thing.

Maybe it's my karma.

I used to be kind of a crazy mean person too way back in the day. But I saw how messed up I was and have been trying to fix it for years. I can't bear to hurt anyone on accident and I would never do it on purpose.

Are there really that many broken people wandering around spreading their misery to everyone they can?

I guess so.

nowiknow23 posted 5/21/2013 17:32 PM

When I said maybe I don't really belong here, I was referring to SI not my situation.
Can you elaborate a bit on why you don't think you belong at SI? Because honey, you do belong here.
Is it that you think this manipulation and abuse crap isn't relevant here? Because it is.
Is it because you need something SI isn't giving you? Because we are all here and wanting to help, in whatever form that help needs to be.


loveisareddress posted 5/21/2013 17:35 PM

What if he didn't really do it?

What if it was just mind games?

He enjoyed seeing me off balance and uncomfortable.

If he didn't really have an A, maybe I don't belong here.

But it's a good place for getting reality checks and staying grounded.

hardtimesinlife posted 5/21/2013 18:03 PM

Your reality is that he had an A and will not admit. That is the reality. That is what SI was made for. You do belong

crazyblindsided posted 5/21/2013 18:27 PM

loveisareddress now is your chance to teach them all how to treat you. With RESPECT!

I think some Bitch Boots are in order!

This ^^^ 100%

loveisareddress posted 5/28/2013 10:10 AM

So I've been mulling all of this over for about a week now.

I have decided that from now on, I will have nothing to do with SD, XW or any of their people.

This means I will not attend the wedding or the rehearsal dinner or any function where SD is. If she calls, I will just hand the phone to her dad.

I'm done with her. If dad wants to do things with her or visit, fine. She's his daughter and always will be.

But I'm done with her.

By telling her dad one lie after another about how I treated her, she took an enormous crap on me and what's left of my marriage.

I've been very quiet all week, trying to sort it all out in my head. H thinks I'm mad at him. I just don't want to discuss it. I don't want to say anything I'll regret. And when all is said and done, he will probably just turn on me like he always has in the past.

If he can't understand or handle this decision, maybe it's time to let him go.

What do you guys think?

Am I being petty?

StillGoing posted 5/28/2013 10:12 AM

I don't think it's petty to shut out people who won't respect your boundaries.

loveisareddress posted 5/28/2013 10:55 AM

They accuse me of being bitter.

Maybe I am.

So what?

Like they wouldn't be if they had to wear my shoes for a while?

loveisareddress posted 6/27/2013 10:16 AM

So it's been about a month. I told him several times that I would not be attending the wedding.

Things were quiet for a while, aside from a couple of little blow ups on his part. I've been expecting a doozy and somehow I knew it would happen last night.

He's been trying to get close to me and get me to engage(I'm in modified 180 for a long time)so he can blow up again.

It starts when he asks me if I've purchased a dress to wear to the wedding.


Are you going to? Do you have anything to wear?

No. We discussed this a few weeks ago, remember? I said I'm not going. Remember? Why is this an issue right now? It should be a done deal.

According to him, I am splitting up the family by refusing to attend.

According to him, SD(bride) didn't come to see him on Father's Day or her younger stepsister on her birthday because of me.

Note: This is a blended-no pureed-family. There are several sets of parents now that a future SIL is in the picture. On Father's Day, they probably went to go see SIL's dad. They kind of make the rounds and rotate visiting because there are so many people to consider.

But no, I'm splitting the family up.

He's very upset and telling me that I have to go to the wedding. If I don't, I'm splitting up the family and causung SD to stay away.

Somewhere in the middle of this he screams, "She's my only daughter!"

I told him I couldn't believe some of the shit that comes out of his mouth and I hope our other daughter didn't hear it.

Some other shit that came out of his mouth recently:

My son does not have a right to an opinion because he's not paying the bills.

I'm not family.

I told him sometimes when he says this stuff I stop and look at him and think Oh-so this is how you really feel. This is really who you are.

And it floors me.

I looked all over the place for her. She was outside. After the yelling subsided, she went straight to bed.(It was only about 7 PM) I still don't know if she heard that. I hope not.

I never even wanted to talk about it. I wish I could have just walked away.

It turned into a four hour circular argument where he rewrote every point in history that I brought up to make my point about how it's him splitting up the family.
He cried and pleaded with me.
Put on those crocodile tears about how distant I am and how lonely he feels.

Because it is him.

He wonders why I don't want to go anywhere with him.

He wonders why the kids-especially our youngest daughter(excuse me-MY youngest daughter, remember he only has one daughter-the SD!

)sometimes seem to avoid him.

I told him it's you.

They can hear you when do this. When you yell and scream and all of it. They don't like it either.

I'm always supposed to be the bigger person and suck it up and deal. For the most part, I have been.

But there's no payoff.

I feel like I am being punished for marrying him, or for things that someone else did to him.

I get punished every time I try and draw a line and enforce some kind of boundary. I'm not trying to be mean or spiteful.

I'm just tired of overlooking it all just to keep the peace.

It's like my only purpose in life is to take their abuse. If I deviate from the role of scapegoat and refuse to play it, I am punished.

I asked him "Why is it so important to you that I'm thrown into this room full of toxic people? I told you I don't want to be around them."

He claims it's all about family.

If family is so goddamned important to him, he could have straightened up by now.

He just keeps on with all his bullshit about rewriting history and blaming me for everything.

What I can't figure out is...

Is he doing this intentionally to get me to blow up like he does?

Or does he really believe the lies he's telling me and himself when he rewrites history like that?

No matter what the reason is, the very idea that he does this should send me running for the hills.

Because it's very sick.

It's sick and dishonest to live like that. Always rewriting history and lying continuously about what really happens.

It's like he lives in an alternate reality.

I'm splitting up the family.


I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't call anybody up and tell them one lie after another about their spouse.

How am I splitting up the family?

This is his doing. He never stepped up to the plate and straightened all this shit out when he should have. It was always easieer to be mad at me and blame me than to do the right thing.

Am I wrong?

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