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ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2013 11:43 AM

Ugh, my STBX is SO annoying.

Only a couple weeks ago, he was refusing me Mother's Day and cursing me out via email. I had to go through attorneys just to get the day.

Now, he's sending me unnecessary text messages with smiley faces.

Yesterday, he called saying his car broke down, so I picked the kids up from school. I was going to be picking up my older son for the Boy Scouts meeting anyways, so I just kept them until after the meeting.

Him: Hey u just want to meet me after the pack meeting so I can get my car fixed?

Me: Ok.

Him: 7:30 Walgreens?

Nevermind just text when your done thanks :-)

Me: Will text when I'm on my way to Walgreens.

Him: Cool thanks :-)

Me: Leaving now.

Him: Ok see u in a few :-)

This morning was my son's Kindergarten awards ceremony. I brought my dad and sat apart from him. I did politely say "hi" back to him after he said "hi" to us. After we leave, I get the following text messages:

Him: Good to see you

An hour later: Don't you think it's about time we get along lol

An hour later: Guess not lol

I know unicorn land is starting to suck since MOW found out he was cheating on her with the twink, but I'm annoyed he thinks he can waltz back in to talking to me whenever he feels like it. Perhaps I was rude to ignore his first text this morning, but it had nothing to do with kids or finances, and it was NOT good for me to see him. I'd rather he drops off the fucking planet. I'm so tired of this bipolar crap, cursing me out and treating me like shit to overly friendly and nice. Either way buddy, just leave me the hell alone!! I didn't respond to any of your emotionally abusive rants cursing me out, so I'm not responding to your overly nice crap either. I'm not your fucking backup plan for when the shit starts to hit the fan over there!!

SBB posted 5/21/2013 11:50 AM

A-fucking-men sister.

I find it easier when he is being a pig. ATM it drives me mental when he tries on the smiling assassin bullshit.

I see you now - everybody does.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2013 12:17 PM

I agree. When he's being mean, I almost know what to expect. I know how to fight it.

When he's being nice, I can't help but wonder why. Is he trying to manipulate me? What does he want? He wouldn't normally be this nice for no reason, so I'm more on my toes wondering what the hell is going on.. I'm not in the mood to fall into any traps, so I'm keeping my guard up..

Of course I had to hear from the kids how he told them he was probably going to pick them up in MOW's car. Or MOW was going to pick them up. And how they have the mattresses set up in one of the rooms now so MOW's kid and her kid's cousin could sleep right next to my kids.

Well no fucking wonder I don't want to talk to you asshole. I got nothing nice to say, so be happy you're getting crickets..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:13 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 5/22/2013 13:36 PM

Ugh, the bipolar saga continues.

After ignoring his texts yesterday, I had a conference with my son's teacher and sent STBX an email with an attachment of the teacher's assessment and letting STBX know our younger son is being recommended for gifted (just like my older one, yay!). He emails back "ok." Then, when dropping the boys off at our usual store, as he pulls away and is right behind my car, he honks for like 10 seconds and flicks me off so only I can see and not the kids. Yeah me for still ignoring.

Now today he sends me a text, "Hi guess you're going to DS' awards ceremony tomorrow?" I already answered this in an email last week, and I debate answering him, but I finally just say "yes." Then he texts me, "Ugh dang...stop being angry :-)"

Why is he trying to bait me into talking to him? He really doesn't care if it's nice or not. I really think he would be happy right now if I went off on him. Please give me the strength to ignore him. I know going off on him would be like talking to a brick wall, and that's just what he wants, but I'm so freakin tempted.. Stupid asswipe. I hope his dick falls off..

Jayne Doe posted 5/22/2013 13:43 PM

The truth is - they don't know what the heck they want.

Well actually they do!
They want you at home taking care of the house and kids, and no questions asked when they walk out that door.

How dare you not give him what he wants You are making him confused.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/22/2013 14:05 PM

You mean those glittery vaginas aren't providing all the answers for him? Poor widdle confused muffin..

But seriously, are all these smiley faces really how grownass men try to flirt these days? Ugh, realization coming. I've been married to a high schooler. How pathetic..

I just so want to rip him a new one. I've been quiet for sooooooooooo long.. Siiiiigh....

ButterflyGirl posted 5/22/2013 14:45 PM

Now he just said, "No hard feelings friend :-)"



ButterflyGirl posted 5/22/2013 22:49 PM

Okay, here's the latest. Could really use some advice on interpretation and if I should respond to him at all.

He breaks the administrative rules again by sending a message through my son, which I've told him 100 million times not to do. He texts my son, "Hello!!! I miss you!! Tell mom and DS5 I miss them too!" I've told him over and over that if his texts with our son have "tell mom" ANYWHERE in them, to NOT send it.. At least it wasn't about a schedule change this time, but it was still a message for me through our son..

Later tonight, he texts me, "There hasn't been any mail EVER..are u taking it?"

Well he just accuses me of a crime, so as much as I don't want to respond, I text him, "No."

The he texts, "Lol," which I ignore for about an hour, and then he texts, "Come on aren't u much happier now...don't u wanna be'll be much easier for us and the boys"

Oh, where to start. NO. I'm not much happier now. My parents stayed together. My dream was to stay together and raise a family. I didn't want our kids coming from a broken home like so many of my friends did. I wanted to give them the dream! I wanted the dream!

Don't I wanna be friends? NO. I want to be civil co-parents, which is what I'VE BEEN DOING. Why you haven't, I have no idea.

It'll be much easier for us and the boys? You mean it will be easier FOR YOU?? When the hell have you thought about the boys in the last 2+ years?? You are sleeping with your married skank right in front of them!! You told DS9 to check your phone for you this past week, and he saw a text where you tell her, "I love you." You think he was happy about that? Do you even know he saw that? Cause he was devastated. He WANTS us to be together asshole. Easier would have been you growing the hell up and dealing with your issues and dedicating yourself to your family. But noooooooo, you must only think about yourself and your dick and stupid sluts.

Am I being unreasonable here?? Is a judge gonna look at this and think I'm rude for not responding and giving him a chance to be "friends"? I don't want to be all friendly with him in front of the kids. Especially given where there heads are at right now, I don't want to give them false hope that mom and dad are being nice to each other now and might get back together. Or is he feeling guilty and this is my chance to take advantage? I just don't know what.. He financially screwed us up one way and down the other, and I don't think there is any turning back from eventual bankruptcy..

I just don't know. If his goal was just to remind me how much pain he has put me through, then he succeeded

justabrokendream posted 5/22/2013 23:01 PM

"Friends" don't do what your STBX or my ex-H did.

I believe continued Crickets are the order of the day....

SBB posted 5/23/2013 06:04 AM

I don't know why they do it.

During the first S which was 8 weeks of in-house hell I had asked that we each take turns having the girls and the house until 10.30pm each night.

When I had the house I would head off to bed just before 10.30pm to avoid him.

When he had the house he would wait up for me and try to talk to me. When that didn't work he would goad me into arguments. He especially liked to gloat about how fucked I was financially.

I was a hurting, broken shell of a woman yet he had not one single shred of empathy or decency. I sat there in the darkness quietly crying as he spoke.

In False R he told me he had a compulsive need to talk and interact with me. He said he couldn't help himself. Even arguing with me fed this insatiable need. I asked if he saw how cruel it was and he said he honestly did not.

His petty needs outweighed my critical needs. Always have, always will.

I see now it was about control. He lost his perceived control of me on DD. Truth is he never did have control of me - I was simply numb. Dead inside. He mistook that for compliance.

He still does it now albeit he has far less opportunity to do so.

Ignore him - maintain hardcore NC. He WILL yank your chain. You WILL be annoyed. Never show it to him.

Ignore. Detach. Ignore. Detach. Make this your mantra.

Easier said than done - boy do I know it.


stronger08 posted 5/23/2013 06:22 AM

Do yourself a big favor and shit him down quickly. Being that he likes texts so much use that outlet. Spell it out exactly as you have told us. That your are civil for the sake of the kids. That there can not and will not be any personal friendship or anything else. Tell him you wish him the best of luck but this is the life he chose. Tell him to limit his conversation and comments to the kids and finances. Thank him for his cooperation in the matter. And if you feel like having a bit of fun at his expense add a smiley at the end.

I suggest this because he very well might become a problem. He may start stalking or harassing you. If you need to take legal action it shows that you have addressed the issue prior and he refuses to adhere to your wishes. You really need to cover all the bases with these indecisive crazy MFers.

Strongmama posted 5/23/2013 06:23 AM

Oh this is so f'ing annoying! My ex used to try that crap. One second being evil and hateful, and a few days later sending creepy text like that; "it was so good seeing you", or the one time I actually responded to his a text in the middle of the night "I've been smiling since our last meeting". Wtf dude. I said Hi when believe me I wanted to say Fuck you!
It's obviously in the bipolar cheaters handbook, and it's crazy and exhausting.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. You know they hurt us; cheat; lie; leave and then all this stupid fun to follow. Makes no sense.
I wish I hadn't let myself get roped into those stupid texts earlier and had started with just crickets. Crickets from me lead to psychotic anger texts and emails and then he'd also go through the kids. What a horrible mess.
Stay strong and ignore ignore ignore!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/23/2013 10:48 AM

Hopefully this will be the last event in a while that we both need to attend, but I had to see STBX again this morning for DS9's awards ceremony. I sat with my dad again a couple of rows away from him. After it's over, STBX starts walking over to my son. The kids are heading back to the classrooms, so I just wave to my son and leave. STBX calls out to me in the parking lot telling my DS9 wants me to have the certificates he got. I say thanks and walk away without really looking at him. Of course he texts me right after, "What's wrong with u..u don't even want to talk to me about our kids."

I'm really getting sick of him starting the conversations like I have a problem, like "stop being angry" and "what's wrong with you." He's automatically trying to put me on the defensive like I did something wrong.

I know everyone says NC and crickets, but what about Stronger's opinion? I don't know, I've told him at least a hundred times, but maybe I should go ahead and text him something again like, "Please keep all non-urgent communication to email." And that's a rule clearly spelled out in the temporary mediation agreement, to only communicate via email for non-urgent issues.. I'd love to say more like, "I'm only going to respond to SPECIFIC questions about the kids and finances, stop sending messages through our son, and please leave me alone," but I'm wondering if I'm wasting my breath since I've said all that before.. I don't know. I just want him to leave me alone. I'm trying to think if there's a good response to give him legally, but I'm really tempted to keep ignoring him..

ButterflyGirl posted 5/23/2013 10:50 AM

Oh, and:

He especially liked to gloat about how fucked I was financially.

His petty needs outweighed my critical needs. Always have, always will.

Both of those so true in my case as well. Sigh....

gonnabe2016 posted 5/23/2013 11:30 AM

There is no way to handle this. You know that.
The term non-urgent just doesn't compute in his head. If he has something to say, then it is *urgent*.

he texts me right after, "What's wrong with u..u don't even want to talk to me about our kids."

^^^These are the type of texts that I don't like and, IMO, require some type of short least until the divorce is finalized. Something like...."I responded to your comment about DS's certificates." And then <go dark> again. It shows that (1) you did respond, and (2) that he's actually whining over 'certificates'.....and not that you were ignoring something that's really important - which could be implied by the general statement that he made.

Linus1968 posted 5/23/2013 15:36 PM

Gad!!! REALLY!!! My WW tries this at first, and still occasionally does. She wanted to go Christmas shopping for the kids, and wanted me to met the OM. And, the all inclusive "Can't we be good friends." As you said Butterfly "Uh, NO!!!" You wanted the life without me, so you got it. Now that life isn't Fluffy Rainbow-colored Unicorns, you want me back. Sorry, that ship has sailed.
Butterfly, ignore it. I did. Now I am in power, and she can't handle it. They got what they wanted and now don't like it, and are trying to get back over the fence to the yard they departed. When we throw them back, we are being rude.
You are doing the right thing being civil. As long as you are civil, I don't see a judge looking at that unfavorable, because you don't want to be friends.
I will say, isn't it great to see them all fluster when they can get to you emotionally, well at least react out with your emotions. It honestly gives me joy and pleasure for her to rip into me for not wanting to be friends. Man, it's great.

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

[This message edited by Linus1968 at 3:36 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 5/23/2013 17:00 PM

Someone down in new beginnings was having this issue as their NPD ex was going fishing, and NIK told them after you shoot your NPD ex down or ignore them when they do this, it's war, so shields up! She is one smart lady.. Guess I've started a war..

After his, "What's wrong with u..u don't even want to talk to me about our kids," he texted me later, "Really come on Butterfly." I finally texted him back, "I will discuss the kids with you when necessary. Otherwise, please keep non-urgent communication to email, as per the temporary mediation agreement. Thank you."

As Gonna said, if he wants to say it, it's urgent to him.

He says, verbatim, "Get over it why u such a bitch..I was gonna ask u why the kids keep telling me they hate u and don't want to be with you..but now I know why haha." Then, "This a serious matter Butterfly very urgent don't u see what your doing to them..I'm very concerned about their well being and ur severely destroying that I'm concerned that they're not gonna want anything to do with u unless u take care of ur issues now."

I texted him back, "The boys and I are fine. Thanks for your concern. Perhaps you should question why they are only bad mouthing me around you, as if they know that's what you want to hear." Then, "Leave me alone."

He then says, "They are not fine. Butterfly they've been telling me the childish things uve been saying..I can't have you as a bad influence on them and they see what a bitch u are to me and that I'm trying to get along and be have to stop letting ur personal problems affect them..they tell everyone the way are..of course they aren't going to tell you because u intimidate them..I will be writing you a long email later about all the Fucked up things uve been doing." And then finally for now, "They see ur hatred toward me and its really affecting them..think about the boys..I'm not gonna leave u alone until u stop hurting my kids"

He was really in the mood to be "friends" with me eh? Assuming he accuses me of things he does, now I'm nervous. I guess he intimidates them. I guess he bad mouths me all the time. I guess he's scared that he keeps hurting them while he is around them and knows he needs help before he continues to see them.. Ugh. Why can't he see that it's HIM that keeps involving the kids and telling them too much?? I don't fucking do that!! I'M the one who has them in counseling and is doing my best to help them through this without them thinking they did anything wrong and reassuring them it's not in any way their fault..

Can't wait for my email later

I ordered "Splitting" and "Divorce Poison" off the internet to read. I've heard about those a few times, but I'm pretty certain I need them now.. Siiiiiigh...

SBB posted 5/24/2013 06:53 AM

Stop responding. Stop defending yourself.

He is baiting you - using your children. The lower the act the more desperate they are becoming. Involving your kids like this is pretty damn low.

Ignore/delete his texts. If he continues then it might be time to give your phone to someone you trust and let them vet the messages and ONLY tell you things you need to answer to.

Responding or reacting in any way just amps up the crazy.

What helped me was visualising ego kibbles for him whenever I broke NC.

I still slip up sometimes and stupidly take the bait but its getting easier and easier to ignore.

I am hopeful that ignoring it will mean he tires of the game and pisses of. I just want to be invisible to him and him to me. Is that really too much to ask?

When you feel tempted to break NC post your response here instead. Make it as wild and colourful as you like - just get it out.

((BG)) I don't undertand it - so hell bent on getting out of our lives yet they STILL hang around like a bad smell.

tesla posted 5/24/2013 07:20 AM

I put ex-shat ring-tone and incoming text tone to crickets and then would ignore it. Later, I just switched the ring-tone to silent. Then my day isn't interrupted. He gets responded to on my schedule, not his AND unless there is a question, I do not respond.

They really dislike it when we start detaching. Ex-shat eventually got used to it and leaves me alone. Hell, he doesn't even bother me with CS payments anymore! What a sweetie, huh?

Stay strong BG. Post not engage with crazy, it only breeds more crazy.

bigpicture3236 posted 5/24/2013 07:45 AM

You don't really think he wants to be friends do you? XH is not as bad, but was sending me little jokes and stuff he finds on the internet; sends to kids as well. I do not respond or acknowledge and now I am off the list. Point is he just wants to keep you engaged. You do not have to be.

MY SIL, divorcing cheating XH's brother, said it best. 'I can pick my friends. I certainly wouldn't pick 'BIL' to me my friend the way he treated me or my children. So, I will not treat him as one.'

STBX is not your friend. He is just manipulating you into conversations of no matter or substance. Of course he wants to be your friend...then he can have it 'all'.

NC except for kid matters. Save your sanity. It gets easier and before you know it, he won't be able to push any of your buttons.

Good luck.

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